“I want a life that’s forme, not what other people tell me it should be.” Her whisper is hoarse, shredded, words scraped over the sharp stones that have weighed her down, more honest than she’s ever dared to be. “Not what I told myself it should be. Now what fairy tales and books and people’s notions of dreams and success are. Itshouldbe easy. Figure out what I want and live it.”
My pulse tears at my neck and my heart beats so hard that it’s painful. “Sounds terrifying.”
“There were times that I used to long for a set of problems that weren’t just the ones I’d inherited and had nurtured into me. This is not the vibe I was going for.”
I should try and get her to take a shower, get her a change of clothes, tuck her into bed, put on some lo-fi beats, and figure this shit the fuck out, but I can’t move. “You made yourself into the thing James wanted. He never looked out for you in return. He never even saw you. You justwereto him.”
She twists away so I can’t see her face, but all her churning emotions are there in her voice. “I hated myself for it most of the time. I didn’t allow myself to process any of it. I locked it down. Unhappiness wasn’t something that should be built into that life I’d worked so hard to have.”
“Why did you never tell me?”
She wraps her arms around herself. “For the same reason I never told myself. We both knew anyway.”
She trembles visibly, but it’s different this time. She can’t hold it all together anymore. The shock has long worn off and she’s crashing. Her shoulders heave once before I set a hand on them. I step into her space, getting closer than I’ve ever dared. I spin her into me and lock my arms tightly around her. Her forehead hits my shoulder, and she sucks in deep pulls of air right near the side of my neck. She cries softly, still able to hold onto some of those jagged edges. She doesn’t lose control completely. She doesn’t sob. Her tears are quiet, but maybe they’re more pained for it. She still can’t let go and pour it all out.
She’s so slight in my arms. So small. So warm and alive andright. She has no idea that I’ve always wanted to be just this. The place she could come to when she has nowhere else. Her home. A safe spot for her to shatter and rebuild herself. I’venever held her past a quick, perfunctory hug. She’s rested her head on my shoulder several times in that utterly platonic way of deep friendship. I’ve squeezed her hand more than a few times.
I was always so afraid that I’d be able to lock down my face, but that she’d read my body language, and I’d be finished because every time I’m near her, I come totally undone. I’ve dreamed of this moment, but I never wanted it to be like this.. Not infused with sorrow. Feeling her tremble against me with those quiet sobs she’s trying so hard to control could crack the sky open.
I don’t stand a chance.
I gather her thick, dark hair up in my hand and let it fall over her shoulder. I rub small circles on her back. “None of this is your fault. This is the world. A cruel, hard place that doesn’t make sense and hurts people that don’t deserve it. This is James’ fault, and Iwillfind him. You’re not the one who is gonna have to pay for his mistakes. You’ve given enough. You deserved better from the first minute you were with him, and I’m gonna make sure you get it now.”
She wrenches back, silvery tears tracking down ashen cheeks. “I… I appreciate it, but I don’t want James to pay that way. It might teach him a lesson, I guess, but the lesson would be getting mangled by a bunch of thugs or probably killed. I don’t think they were joking about that.” She heaves in a shuddering breath. “They sounded like a little bit of murder would make their day.”
“You know that getting logical and saying respectable stuff like that only makes me want to help you more,” I groan.
“You won’t feel better, getting revenge. Being able to help and not doing it is as bad as standing by and watching it happen.”
“That’s debatable.”
“I don’t think so, Wizard. Not in your mind, and not in your heart, it’s not.”
In my heart.Hearing those words is like choking on glass.
A harsh exhale bursts out of me. My head screams, my chest is going to implode, my stomach twists sickeningly. “Shower,” I mumble. “I’ll lay some clothes out for you on the bed. This room is yours for as long as you need it. I won’t come in again without knocking first. Don’t feel like you’re trapped here, but if you need anything, text me. I shouldn’t be more than an hour. I’m going to find James, talk to him, and go from there.”
Seeing Esme’s face soften and the worry bleed out of her is worth so much more than the two million dollars I’m going to have to find. “Go from there?”
“I need to talk to Tyrant and Raiden. They’re the club’s Prez and VP. I’m gonna get you the money.”
She nearly collapses. Her hand shoots out and I grasp it, steadying her. I need to distract her. Immediately. “The shower kind of sucks,” I blurt. “Turn it on and let the water run for a few minutes. More than a few. Probably five. It takes a while to heat up. Don’t step under the spray, because you’ll freeze and then immediately get scalded. Set the temperature before you get in.”
She studies me, something flickering between us. Shimmering. Something I can’t name and don’t understand. Sheseems confused by it too. She frowns. “I… I’ve put all of this on you. You don’t know how sorry I am. For the past decade and a half.”
I can’t stand here and let her see me crack in half. I need to get back to my computers and screens, back where I can translate this grated raw feeling back into something I can understand. Anger. Code. Channeled energy as I pour myself into the challenge of finding my asshole brother and holding him accountable in the long run, and borrowing club money in the short.
One errant tear slips free and slides down Esme’s cheek. She brushes it away and gives me a shaky smile. “Thank you for being here and for helping me. Now. Always.”
Fuck, I’m going to come apart at the seams. I need to get out of here.Now.
Thankfully, Esme turns and heads into the bathroom. She shuts the door behind her. Doesn’t lock it. She knows that I would never come in, and my bedroom door has a keypad on it that only I have the code to.
I quickly set out a pair of sweats that are going to be massive on her, but at least they have a drawstring, and a t-shirt.
I don’t take a proper breath until I step out of the door and shut it firmly behind me. My lungs are on the verge of collapsing, my temples booming, my body screaming. I couldn’t fall apart in there. Couldn’t afford to hope.
I still can’t.
