I knew a lot about his mother from my friendship with Jonah. I knew the pain she caused all three brothers. I knew how much strength it had taken all of them to break free of her.
“Hockey gave me freedom, but I don’t love it the way Jonah does, or Bodie. Or even Tucker.” He turned his face into my chest. “Or you. I’m good at it, but I feel like it should mean more to me, you know?”
“I know.” And I did. If I didn’t love every second I spent on the ice, crouched in the crease, defending my boys, I wouldn’t continue to put myself through this.
It wasn’t worth it.
“I don’t want to do this anymore. I think next season will be my last.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
He tilted his head up, brows furrowed. “Yeah? I mean, what if I can never get another job?”
“I will take care of you,” I told him. I was smiling, but I meant it. “And you are not poor, pretty little goalie.”
“I—well. Yeah. That’s fair. I can live comfortably for a long, long time.”
I tilted his chin up and leaned down so I could kiss him. He tasted like coffee and mint gum, and I let myself indulge for a long, lush minute. “You will find something you love as much as you love me.”
“Woooow,” he said. “Your ego is so huge even I can see it.”
I laughed and nipped at his fingers, which were tracing my smile. “Yes, yes. Because I am best. But so are you. And you will be best at whatever you want. Maybe try school? Or design homes for blind people? Teach skating to kids?”
“Uhg, no. I tried that with Jonah a few years ago. Kids are not for me.”
I kissed the top of his head. “You have time. We get through this moment, and next ones, and then you will figure it out.”
“I love you,” he murmured very, very softly. “Like, a lot. You know that, right?”
I settled against him, curling into him more. I could feel his heartbeat against my ribs, and I counted each one for what felt like a short eternity. “Yes,” I told him eventually. “Even when you don’t say, you show. And I hope you see my love too.”
“I do. Always have,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes, sharing in his darkness, taking the comfort in it that he felt. We weren’t home yet.
But we would be.
And we were happy.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MICAH
Leaning on the counter,I listened to the fish tank bubbling and pressed my hand to the curved glass. I let Vanya pick out the new tank for Fish since it didn’t matter to me, and he went with some sort of random shape that had corners and curves. I liked running my fingers over the glass, feeling it cool against my palm, and the slight vibration from the bubbler.
Vanya insisted Fish was happier now. He said his tail was bigger, and he was swimming more. It made me feel like a shitty fish-dad, but Vanya soothed me, kissing the back of my neck and whispering that I’d been through it, and nothing that had gotten neglected was past saving.
I hoped he was right, considering I was still trying to fix things with all my friends. Tonight was a big dinner. The announcement, I was calling it in my head.
Letting everyone know that I was moving on to anew chapter in my life. I still had no idea what the fuck that was going to be, of course, but I was working on it. Right now, I was still adjusting to the home Vanya and I had bought together.
He gave up his dream of buying a fancy brownstone, and instead, we chose a ranch-style house in Wellesley with half an acre where I was able to add something nice to the yard—a tactile walking path where I could enjoy a stroll without needing my cane. It was a place that Vanya was able to start up his gardening again—room for his massive greenhouse and one of those oversized swings set in the center of a pagoda.
I was even thinking about maybe a fishpond, though Vanya did remind me the winters would probably murder whatever little fish I was trying to raise, so I was putting that idea on the back burner until we could figure something out.
Either way, I was happy. I was settled. We’d spent the summer having the house renovated so it was fully accessible for me and all of my friends who needed it. I wanted Tucker, Ford, and Boden to be able to treat the place like their own.
I wanted Jonah and Caleb to be able to walk through and not feel like they were out at sea without a guide.
