And above all, I wanted them all to see how fucking happy I was now that all of this was happening.
There were only a few weeks left before the start of the next season, and while Ben, the GM, and theorganization had been very kind about keeping my news quiet until I told everyone, if I didn’t let them all know now, they’d find out it was my last season through the media, and I knew they wouldn’t forgive me for that one.
Jonah was still kind of pissed about me not telling him what was happening with Hunter, though we were better now than we had been over the last year, so that was something. Things with Caleb were still tense though, but I was pretty sure we could find a way to fix it.
It just meant learning who we were to each other outside of the trauma bond my mother had created between the three of us, and that part had a lot of growing pains.
“I think everyone nearly here.” Vanya’s voice floated toward me, and a moment later, his arms circled my waist, and he pressed a soft kiss beneath my ear. “You ready?”
“No. But also yes. It just feels weird not to be prepping for the season and everything, you know?”
“Mm. I can’t imagine.”
No, I doubted he could. Vanya had a good decade left in him if he really wanted to play that long. Maybe not with Boston. Redding was an amazing goalie, and if another team didn’t snatch him up in the next few years, I knew the Glaciers were going to trade Vanya.
The thought might have made me sick to my stomach, but the truth was, I was free now. Free to gowith him. Free to follow him anywhere. Free to make the life I wanted in his arms.
I turned, gripping his jaw as I kissed him slowly and thoroughly. He moaned into my mouth, only pulling back when the doorbell sounded. “Fuck.”
He laughed. “Maybe later.” He sealed that promise with a kiss, then pulled back and stepped aside so I could answer the door.
It was time to unburden myself completely. After tonight, everything would be out in the open, and I could finally breathe.
I expected surprise when I announced my retirement. I didn’t expect Jonah to get pissed off. But his fork hit the table, and then his chair squeaked over the hardwood floor as he stood up and walked out.
I knew it was him. I didn’t need to ask, and I appreciated that no one tried to stop me as I stood up and followed the direction of Jonah’s feet. He walked all the way to the living room, where he froze, and I knew it was because he was too unfamiliar with the space to keep going.
“Do you want to go outside or sit on the couch?”
He groaned. “I’m not in the mood to have this conversation, Micah.”
“Too fucking bad.”
He was silent for a beat, and then he sighed. “Outside.”
I walked forward, gently brushing my handthrough the air until I found his shoulder, and then I took his wrist and tugged. “Come on. We can go out the side door to the back and sit on the swing.”
He didn’t protest. He took the back of my shoulder as I led the way down the hall and out the side door, where we wouldn’t have an audience. The path to the swing was flat, raised on the sides so I could feel it with my feet, and I guided Jonah’s hand to the chain so he could orient himself and take a seat on the thick cushions.
“Whose idea was this?” he asked as I gave us a small push.
“Mine. Vanya loves it so much, though, he’ll probably take credit.”
He snorted. “Sounds like him.” He took another deep breath. “Are you doing this because you’re angry at me?”
“Doing what?” I wasn’t angry with him, but I did feel a hot spike of resentment at the question. I knew what he was implying, but I wanted him to say it.
“I just can’t help wondering if you’re leaving hockey as some way to separate yourself from me. I know I wasn’t the most supportive brother when it came to Mom and Dad. I know I fucked up. But you can’t punish me for that forever.”
I bowed my head and pushed us a little harder. The swinging motion was soothing and helped keep my temper at bay. “I don’t love hockey. Not the way Vanya does—not the way Alexio or you do. Hell, I think even Ford loves it more than I do, and he hasn’t played in a year.”
Jonah was annoyingly quiet for too long. “When did that happen?”
I almost laughed. “Bud, it’s been like that always. Like, I’m good at being a goalie—I can’t help that. It’s just something we’re both kind of amazing at. But you and I both know I could be better if I tried. I probably could have taken the Fury to the cup half a dozen times if I’d put my heart into it. But I didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted to ensure I would never, ever have to rely on Mom ever again.”
“You could have done something else. Caleb found his thing.”
Wrapping my arms around myself, I leaned against the chain, feeling the cold metal bite into the side of my forehead. It was grounding. “Caleb found something he loved early on. I…shit. I don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life. I just know I can’t go another season after this. This whole thing with Hunter almost destroyed me. There were nights I went to sleep and…” I stopped. I hadn’t said these words aloud to anyone. Not to myself, not to Vanya, not to my therapist.
