“You look upset,” Vanya murmured.
“I’m fine.” That sounded like a lie. Tasted like a lie. But he didn’t call me out on it.
“Come on. We can get burritos on the way. I know the best place. They always give me guacamole for free.”
CHAPTER TEN
VANYA
He was shaken.That much was obvious. Micah was usually unflappable and always on his game, but not tonight. Watching him on the ice was like watching an artist paint. The way he tracked the puck, the way he dominated the net, the way he didn’t let anything past him.
He was better than me. Not that I was the greatest goalie. I was with the Glaciers because I was decent, and they had an amazing offense. My cracks would start showing if the boys started playing worse. But for now, I felt safe. I was comfortable and cozy in Boston.
And my head was spinning because from the moment I met Micah, all I wanted to do was bask in his presence. He looked a lot like Jonah, but his personality was night where Jonah was the day. It might have been off-putting, but I could tell Micah had layers to him, and there was nothing I enjoyed more than peeling those back.
I liked him. More than I should.
And now that he had let me taste him, touch him, pretend for just a moment that he was mine, I was obsessed.
Addicted.
I wanted to give him everything he knew he wanted, and then everything he didn’t know was quietly hiding in his subconscious. All those little things he’d always been afraid to ask for.
And I wanted to keep him as my own.
My pretty little goalie.
But I would take friendship over anything else, if that was actually what he wanted. I would take anything lasting so long as it meant he would stay in my orbit. I was selfless enough to back away if that’s what he needed, but I was too selfish to let him go entirely.
It was lonely here in this place where I didn’t grow up. It was better, of course. Safer for me to be who I was. But I missed home. I missed where I could freely speak my language and not feel like my tongue was getting stuck to the roof of my mouth.
I missed not being noticed.
I was a nobody back home. A little different-looking from everyone else because of my birth mother, but not so different people did a double take and wondered who I was. What I was. Where I came from and why I was there.
Here—in this little corner of the world—I was someone, and that made my anxiety so much worse. I never told a soul about it, of course. It would pissoff every other Russian in the league if I admitted to having anxiety where anyone could hear me.
It wasn’t that we didn’t suffer—it was that we weren’t meant to express weakness to anyone.
That had always been my downfall. That had been the tender, vulnerable spot that the boys in the KHL went after. The NHL was different—maybe not entirely better, but it was a softer place to land when I fell.
I didn’t know how long I would last. I really wasn’t a star goalie. I wasn’t winning trophies or setting records. I would be forgotten as quickly as I had become known. But if I could make a little nest egg for me and my family, buy a little house in Montreal and retire there, I could maybe know what happy meant.
The drive to my place was quiet. Micah agreed to eat, then let me pick his burrito, and I went into the shop because the guys behind the counter were always so nice and never once made fun of my accent or my inability to remember that English used so many fucking articles.
I held our food in my arms like it was a precious meal I had hunted, killed, and cooked myself, then made the drive back to my place. I had a secured parking spot right outside of the building, and it was easy to haul Micah’s bags up the three flights of stairs.
He wasn’t winded as he moved up behind me, and he didn’t hesitate when he took my arm once we reached the landing.
“Is here,” I told him.
“How many doors in this hall?” he asked.
“Just mine. Is my building.” I punched the code into the keypad, then frowned. “I will show you lock soon. Is probably not difficult to remember.”
“I’m not gonna worry about it,” he said in that same tone he’d been using that told me he didn’t actually want to be here. I would have been offended if I didn’t understand, but I liked my home. It was my sanctuary.
And Micah’s had been threatened.
