He turned his hand beneath hers, so they were palm to palm, threading their fingers together. “Thank you. And there’s something I need to tell you.” He swallowed, as if what he was about to say next was something she wouldn’t like. A sense of dread pooled low in her belly.
“What?”
“The night of your rescue, I was the one who carried you to safety.”
The confession was almost a whisper, as though he didn’t want to say it too loudly in case it triggered her.
Reflexively, she pulled her hand out from his, and curled her fingers until the sharp points of her nails were digging into her palm. Her eyes closed, and she concentrated on the sting of pain as her rescue replayed in her mind like a movie.
It wasn’t the first time she remembered being lifted up by strong arms. The sound of his voice reassuring her that he was a friend, not a foe, and that she was safe. He kept saying she was safe.
Slowly, that night morphed into the most recent time she’d heard those words spoken by the man next to her. “How did I not pick up on it?” she said almost to herself. “How did I not know it was you?”
Chapter Eight
Jag watchedSteff as she battled through her memories of her rescue and, he guessed, their recent reconnection. He’d said the same words to her both nights.
You’re safe.
Realistically, they were hollow words, because she may have been rescued, but the nightmare wasn’t over for her, and from what he’d seen a few nights ago, that rang true. The trauma was still a huge part of her life, and always would be. It would never go away. Experiences like that might dull over time, but they wouldn’t be erased.
“I’m sorry,” he said, after she asked how she didn’t know.
Her eyes flicked over, and he was happy to see she showed no signs of being down the tunnel of a PTSD attack. “What for?”
“I knew telling you it was me that night had the possibility of sending you into a panic attack.”
Steff nodded. “It might have done, but I could feel your leg against mine, and it kept me grounded. I should’ve recognized your voice at Teresa’s place. You were saying the same things over and over.”
“I wasn’t offended, if that’s what you’re concerned about. I wouldn’t have expected you to remember me. That night wastraumatic for you. I’m sure we were all shadowy figures in your mind. Maybe even scary.”
He didn’t want to be scary to her, but accepted that would always be a possibility. It wasn’t anything he could change.
“You said you’d be truthful, and you deserve the same from me.” She took hold of his hand again. He hadn’t missed the way she’d squeezed her own hand into a fist until her knuckles were white. He also hadn’t missed how she’d filed her nails into sharp points. Steff had on a short sleeve blouse and her arms were bare. He couldn’t see any evidence that she was causing herself any harm, but he’d lock it away to bring up at another time—sensitively of course. Or maybe Steff would bring it up herself.
“You’re right, in my dreams, even the good guys are scary. I don’t think they won’t stop being that way. I’m sorry.” She lowered her head as though she was ashamed for feeling that way.
“Aww honey, you don’t have to be ashamed. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. We were decked out in all black. Of course we looked scary.”
“I know. It’s just… I don’t want to think of you like that all the time.”
Jag considered what she was saying. “Did you think of me as scary before I told you it was me that night?”
Steff worked the corner of her lower lip with her teeth. Was it another way for her to feel pain, or was it a natural nervous reaction?
Stop it. Don’t make everything out to be more than it is.
His inner voice was right. Just because he’d seen something and had come to one conclusion, didn’t mean the conclusion was right.
“No,” she answered. “If anything, I’ve felt safer than I have in a while.”
“Then I think, and I’m no therapist, but slowly your mind will reinforce that feeling, so if you do find yourself feeling that way, part of your brain will pull you back and remind you that you are safe with me.” He framed her face, so she could understand he was speaking from his soul. “You are safe with me. I will always be your safe haven.”
He swallowed the words he wanted to say about always keeping her safe, because in his line of work, he’d seen it wasn’t always possible to keep that promise. That no matter how much he did or precautions he put in place for her, something could always happen. He wished with every fiber of his being that he could make it true though.
He may not say it out loud to her, but he made the vow to himself.
Her hands covered his, and she smiled sweetly. “I know. You’ve proven that a couple of times already that I am safe with you.”
