“I do. We talk weekly. She lives across the country with the rest of my family, so I don’t see them much. She’s a strong, wonderful woman. She managed to do it all. After my father left us, she raised five kids alone. She worked to provide for us and managed to make lunches and cook meals and never missed an event. I honestly have no idea how. I think I’m afraid to ask, because it would mean letting her know I can’t do it all. I’ve tried and it burned me out so quickly. I am privileged enoughto be able to give my kids everything they need, and part of that includes hiring a nanny. Why is that so wrong?”
Rowyn understood that the question wasn’t for her. She reached out and covered Eliza’s hand with hers.
“So, you don’t tell your mom much about your life to avoid the chance of disappointing her?”
“Basically. Which I probably need a therapist to work through, since the avoidance makes me feel like I’m disappointing her anyway,” Eliza said.
“Therapy is great. I recommend it for all. But it makes sense to me. The idea of your fears being confirmed can be terrifying, even if you fear it anyway in the meantime. So, you have four siblings?”
Eliza nodded.
“Yep. Two sisters, two brothers. They are all living in the town we grew up in with their families. We had very little growing up despite how hard my mom worked, and I guess part of me was determined to be able to give my kids more. And now that I can, I often wonder if what I felt I was missing growing up was all that important, you know?”
“It’s not a bad thing to want your kids to have everything you didn’t, Elle. It’s a balance, and it can be hard to find the middle. But you’re trying, and that’s more than a lot of people do. That’s what good parents do.”
Eliza squeezed Rowyn’s hand.
“I just realized that I started this conversation because I knew next to nothing about your life outside of here, and it’s somehow become about me, again. How do you do that?”
Rowyn smiled widely as if proud of herself.
“It’s a unique and useful skill,” Rowyn replied.
“Why did you take this job?” Eliza asked.
“Whoa, fast topic change,” Rowyn chuckled.
“Well, you have no problem telling me you don’t need thisjob, and I believe you. So why take it? From what I remember, you were living pretty far from here. You uprooted your life to come here, so why?”
Rowyn wrestled with something in her head, and Eliza had a feeling it was a balance of how much to share.
“I’ve never been the stay-in-one-place type. As soon as I was old enough to get away from my parents, I went as far as I could without leaving the country,” Rowyn said.
“Which isn’t extremely far considering we live on a small island. You didn’t have any desire to move abroad?” Eliza asked.
“Honestly, no. I love Ireland, so living somewhere other than here never appealed to me. My desire to run away was strong, though. Once my reputation as a nanny started to grow, I pretty much had my pick of places to move to.”
“That sounds fun, exploring the country as part of your career,” Eliza said.
“It was fun for a while. My sister, who is one of my favourite people, kept telling me it was time to stop running. I went to therapy, and my therapist said the same. So, I did. I met someone, and I settled down, and I tried hard to be the person they all wanted me to be. My girlfriend included.”
Anyone who picked someone up in a bar with the ease Rowyn had picked Eliza up with wasn’t a beginner, so she had known Rowyn had experience. Still, Eliza couldn’t help the little stab of irrational jealousy at the word “girlfriend.”
“She wanted someone who wasn’t me, though, and in the end, it didn’t work out. The thing is, I wasn’t even broken-hearted because I don’t think I let my heart be involved to begin with. I was following the steps that seemed to lead to a healthy relationship and life without allowing my heart the chance to tell me what it wanted. So, after it was clear my ex was done with me too, I was itching to leave. I had to finish out my contract with the current family, and then I got the call about here and knew Ihad to come. So, I guess I did what I always do. I ran.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing,” Eliza said.
“Isn’t it? Something goes wrong and I flee the scene.”
Eliza thought the words over to understand what she was missing.
“It sounds to me like you were young and exploring what you wanted and needed. You left because you weren’t being fulfilled, at home or then in your relationship. You were searching for more, which you absolutely deserve. Why is that wrong?”
Rowyn blinked at her for a few moments.
“I…don’t know. I guess I associate it with being like my parents. They were never around, and I promised myself I wouldn’t be that type of person, chasing money over people.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” Eliza asked. “Did you come here simply for the money? Because I know what I’m paying you, and I can’t imagine it’s theuproot your lifekind of incentive.”
