“Is it just sex? This…agreement. Is that what you want?” Eliza asked.
“Okay, so we’re going right there,” Rowyn said with a chuckle.
She had considered this on and off all day but was no closer to an answer.
“I don’t really know. I didn’t plan any of this, neither did you. The sex is amazing. I also enjoy your company and like getting to know you. So I don’t feel like I can honestly say it’s only scratching a sexual itch, even if that would be simpler. I’m not long out of a relationship and I wasn’t looking for another one, but I also don’t want to ignore what’s obviously between us because of timing or other external factors.”
“How long was your relationship for?” Eliza asked after a moment.
“Two years.”
“Was it a bad breakup?” Eliza said.
“I mean, I don’t think any are particularly good. Like I said yesterday, it wasn’t heartbreaking, which in itself probably tells you a lot. I wasn’t me in most of that relationship, though, and that’s not something I’m willing to do again. I have worked hard to accept the parts of myself that I hid because I felt they were unlovable, and I’m not hiding them anymore.”
Eliza reached a hand across the table and placed it over Rowyn’s with a squeeze.
“I never want you to have to hide parts of yourself, with me or anyone else. My concern, though, is if we decide to explore what this is, some things are going to have to be hidden for a while. My kids have already been through their parents’ divorce, and they adore you. If something happens between us that leads to you leaving…”
Eliza trailed off as she looked lost for words to explain her concerns.
“You said they adore me, and I believe you. So, they wouldn’t be happy regardless of why I leave. If it’s because of you, or because of something else, it’ll suck for everyone involved. I adore them too, if that wasn’t clear,” Rowyn said.
“That’s true. But you are their nanny, and they are still eight, I don’t want to confuse them with you in a different role in their lives. I realize I am getting way ahead of myself here, but I don’t get the liberty of taking it day by day and not considering these things. You already live with us, you already see them more than I do, you’re already embedded in all of our lives. And I don’t regret any of that, but I don’t want them to get ideas of you being a part of our family forever and then they lose that. That’s a risk I can take for myself, but not for them. Not while we are figuring things out.”
Rowyn couldn’t help herself from pulling Eliza’s hand to her mouth and kissing it softly.
“You are a fiercely protective mother, and do not ever apologize for that. Honestly, it might be my favourite thing about you. I am not at all asking you to tell the kids I am anything more than their nanny. We don’t even know what this is yet, so it would be ridiculous to expect them to understand,” Rowyn said, as Eliza visibly relaxed.
“Hiding parts of me is absolutely not the same as discretion for the sake of your children. Privacy and secrecy are two different things, for two distinct reasons. All I want to know is that if we explore this, you’re not going to expect me to be anything other than me. I’m never going to be a corporate career ladder person, I’m never going to be a meek, demure partner for your business dinners. There’s nothing wrong with those people, but those aren’t me.”
Eliza pushed her chair back and tugged on Rowyn’s hand. Rowyn got up and Eliza pulled her onto her lap as she turned her face toward her.
“I know who you are, Rowyn. I would never expect you to be anything else. I would never want you to be. Who you are is more than enough, darling, it’s incredible.”
Rowyn blinked back tears at the earnest expression on Eliza’s face. Feeling like she was enough was a constant struggle for Rowyn, and the immediate understanding of it that Eliza had was astounding.
“You’re a sweet talker, you know that?” Rowyn said.
“And you can’t take compliments very well, but we’ll work on that.”
“Will we?” Rowyn asked.
The question was about more than working on her compliment taking ability. Eliza stroked her fingers up and down Rowyn’s arm in a soothing rhythm.
“Yes. I’m not going to pretend I know how we will figure it out, but I do know I want to at least try. I agree with what you said about timing. This whole thing has thrown us in the deep end there. You usually don’t live with someone one night after having mind-blowing sex. So, I guess we need to write the rules for ourselves and figure out how we manage taking things slow while our lives are so intertwined.”
“Mind-blowing sex, eh?” Rowyn said as she wiggled her eyebrows.
Eliza kept her face devoid of humour, but Rowyn was getting to know that twinkle in her eyes that showed far more than Eliza would be happy with anyone seeing. Her cool demeanour didn’t stretch quite as far as those expressive eyes, even if not everyone looked close enough to notice.
“Don’t make me regret being vulnerable, Wyn,” Eliza said.
The words were said lightly, but Rowyn understood they were rooted in a deeper fear that Eliza carried daily. Her walls were lowering, and that was terrifying for someone so used to the safety of them.
“I won’t, Elle. I love your business suits and your take charge attitude, but I have never experienced beauty quite like your vulnerability. I don’t take that for granted.”
Rowyn leaned in and placed a soft kiss against Eliza’s temple. She pulled back and was met with eyes filled with such softness it had emotion welling up in her unexpectedly.
