“That’s it?”
Eliza looked confused at the question.
“Well, no, I mean the assessment is the first piece, but I’ve spoken to Henry and we’re both going to do this parenting course I found online too and…”
“You realize I’ve been agonizing for weeks about the right time to bring this up, and how you might react, and the fact that it could fracture things between us if I’m out of line or wrong, and you say…thank you, you’ve already started the process, and you’re about to fight for better services?”
Eliza pondered her words for a moment.
“I guess I should’ve mentioned it to you earlier, but I figured you’d bring it to me eventually. I wanted to get the process started first because it can take a long time. Why would anything be fractured by you taking the time to understand my kids and trying to help them?” Eliza asked.
“Well, a lot of people don’t see it that way. They don’t like feeling like they missed something, and usually the messenger gets shot, so…” Rowyn trailed off.
“I’m not happy that I didn’t pick up on it sooner. After you mentioned it and I started thinking, there were a lot of signs. The emotional regulation. Amelia’s issues socialising with other kids in school and acting out impulsively. Elliot’s struggles academically, but how quickly he soaks up knowledge on stuff he enjoys. His issues with maths seem to be textbook dyscalculia, which I didn’t even know was a thing,” Eliza said.
“Lots of people don’t. I have dyscalculia too, although it wasn’t diagnosed when my ADHD was because it’s so widely misunderstood or unknown. That’s how I knew to try the visual tricks with his homework,” Rowyn said.
“Yes. Obviously, that’s the tip of the iceberg. I should haveseen it and searched for ways they could do things rather than getting annoyed at the ways they couldn’t. You did.”
“Yes, but that’s an unfair comparison. I did because I’ve spent a lot of time learning about my own brain, and a lot of the things translate,” Rowyn said.
“I know. And I can’t do anything about that now. Being angry with myself any longer about it won’t improve the outcome. What I can do is do everything in my power to understand my children’s needs now and make sure they get what they need to thrive. You are a few steps ahead of me with that, but I’ll catch up,” Eliza said.
The surety of her words left no room for doubt, and Rowyn had a glimpse into what she imagined Eliza was like convincing a client she was the best fit for them in work. No wonder she was as successful as she was, there was nothing but confidence radiating from her.
“It’s a lot easier to see things with fresh eyes. You’ve watched your kids grow every day, and so to you, they are simply…them. Which they are, but it might be good for them to know what that entails so they can feel better about themselves and find ways to make life easier. You had already put a lot of the scaffolding in place, and once I started to see that, it made sense,” Rowyn said.
“Scaffolding?” Eliza asked.
“Things you were doing to support them, even unintentionally. The nighttime routines you keep with them, the clear expectations and boundaries, the visual schedules in most rooms including their playroom, and all of the organization you’ve already put in place. You’ve been managing things for them so well all along. It’s time now to help them manage things themselves too.”
Eliza’s forehead crinkled, and Rowyn could practically hear gears turning in her head.
“What is it?” Rowyn prompted.
“A lot of those things I put in place for me, not them. The routines, the schedules, the organization, I’ve had those long before the kids. I worried it would be hard to maintain with them. They seemed to work better with it too, so I expanded them. Henry never needed any of it and never understood my need for it. Thinking about it, he probably doesn’t have this stuff in place when the kids are with him, which might be part of why they can be so up and down regulation wise. I’ll need to talk to him. But yeah, they were in place for me, originally.”
Rowyn gave it a minute as realization sparked in Eliza’s eyes.
“My brother is neurodivergent, though. He was a very typical hyperactive boy, so ADHD was diagnosed early. But Mom kept pushing because she knew there was more at play, and she fought for him through the horrendous public system until autism was identified and he could get the support he needed for both. My mom was always involved with all of us, she would have seen it if I were neurodivergent too. Right?” Eliza said.
The lift at the last word framed it as a question, but Rowyn needed to be careful how she answered. Although it often felt like she had been here with this family forever, in the grand scheme of things, she was very new. These conversations were tricky to navigate, but Eliza had told her on more than one occasion that she preferred straightforward, honest communication, and Rowyn needed to respect that.
“Most of the diagnostic criteria for autism and ADHD, and the majority of everything really, was created with research on boys. Girls are socialised differently, which can make things present differently, something we’re only still uncovering. Little girls are told early on that they need to put others first, sit still, be quiet, and focus on fitting in, far more often than little boys are.”
Eliza hummed.
“Well, that’s true. My mom did a great job raising us all, butmy sisters and I were definitely raised differently, even if she didn’t intend it. It was the norm back then,” Eliza said.
Eliza didn’t look upset about it, but thoughts were so clearly flying around her head.
“It still often is. I’ve seen it repeatedly even now when I go to work with families. Girls playing repetitive games with dolls is seen as typical, but boys doing repetitive play is picked up much quicker. Hyper fixations for girls are often more socially acceptable because that’s what they’re being geared toward, like hearing girls talk obsessively about celebrities or animals, or seeing girls who read multiple books a day intensely. Those don’t raise the same eyebrows as boys who talk nonstop about dinosaurs or trains or only play the same type of game on repeat. All that’s to say, your mom probably wouldn’t have even known what it would look like for you, especially if your brother’s presentation was more overt.”
Eliza nodded.
“It’s a lot to process. I’m forty-five years old, I thought I was done uncovering new things. And something like this could put my whole life in a different perspective. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I need to focus on the kids, and on understanding them better.”
Rowyn was silent for a moment but remembered her vow of honesty and went for it.
