“I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to lose you,” Eliza said.
“You don’t want to lose me as the kids’ nanny?”
Rowyn asked the question that got to the crux of it all. Carefully planned steps be damned, they had to jump right in instead.
“You’re an amazing nanny, and my kids deserve the best,” Eliza said.
Rowyn nodded, as if she were expecting the words. Shelooked down at her hands where they played with the remote in her lap.
“But that’s not the reason why I don’t want to lose you.”
Rowyn’s head shot back up and her eyes searched Eliza’s. They widened as she seemed to find whatever it was she had been looking for.
“Then what is the reason? I need you to be clear,” Rowyn said, hesitantly hopeful.
Eliza crossed the space between them and sat on the coffee table right in front of Rowyn. She took the remote and placed it beside her before taking both of Rowyn’s hands in hers.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been clear enough before.Idon’t want to lose you. Not for the kids, not as our nanny, because you are and have always been so much more than that. I don’t want to lose the person who reminded me about all of the things I forgot I was missing. The woman who showed me that I am more than a mother, or a boss, or all the things I’ve prided myself on being without considering what I actually wanted to be.”
“What do you want to be?” Rowyn said as her eyes continued to search Eliza’s.
“Happy. Wanted. Cared for. Loved. Everything you’ve made me feel since the first terrible joke you made to cheer me up that night in the bar.”
Rowyn’s lips raised in a smile as she turned her hands palm up to link them with Eliza’s.
“You love my terrible jokes,” Rowyn said.
“I love the person who makes them. I love you, Wyn. I had a whole speech prepared about how we can make this work, and detailed notes about the issues that may arise and how we can tackle them together, and I can show you all of that if you want, but the CliffsNotes version is this: I love you, and I want to keep loving you if you’ll let me. Please stay.”
Rowyn’s smile broke through before she leaned in andkissed Eliza deeply. With Rowyn’s lips on hers, Eliza couldn’t comprehend how she ever believed that she could live without this.
“Is that a yes?” Eliza said as she reluctantly separated their lips.
“No,” Rowyn said.
Eliza stilled and she searched Rowyn’s eyes. Had she misheard, or had Rowyn said no?
“Is this another one of your terrible jokes? Because kissing me after I profess my love for you if you don’t actually feel the same is kind of cruel,” Eliza said.
“I do feel the same, which I have never hidden so you can’t really doubt it. I love you, Elle, and I want you to keep loving me too. That’s why I can’t stay.”
Eliza’s confusion must have been written all over her face because Rowyn traced the creases on her forehead with a gentle touch.
“This won’t work if I stay. You weren’t wrong about needing boundaries, and they aren’t easy to maintain when our whole lives are basically entwined. Avery’s friend needs a roommate, so she has a place available immediately. Don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you in the lurch with the kids. I’ll stay midweek when you’re working and they’re not at Henry’s, but I think for us to have a real chance, that needs to be a short-term solution. I will help you find childcare that works for the kids and doesn’t set them back. That’s important to me too. Obviously, I’d rather keep doing it myself, because as you stated, Iamthe best.”
“And modest too,” Eliza interjected.
“But we both know the exchange of money and being my boss thing isn’t going to magically stop worrying you. Plus, I get to be their mom’s cool girlfriend instead, when you’re ready to share that with them,” Rowyn said.
“I’m going to have no choice but to share that with themto soften the blow of you leaving. I’m pretty sure they’ll take it worse than I am, and I’m not happy about it. I know what you’re saying makes sense, but the thought of you not being here every day seems like the opposite of what I was wishing for.”
Rowyn leaned in and kissed Eliza again. It was quick and soft but held the promise of much more.
“If you play your cards right, your wishes will come true eventually. When we’re all ready for that. I want to slow it down and know we’re taking each step forward because it’s what we both consciously decide we want, not because it’s where we landed.”
Eliza wanted that, she was certain of it. But what Rowyn proposed made sense, and it was hard to argue with the logic, even if her heart wanted to throw logic to the wind, skip to the inevitable, and unpack all of those bags right now.
“What about work for you, though? If you need to take a new nanny job halfway across the country, that’s not going to work well for us either,” Eliza asked.
