I shouldn’t be thinking about anyone right now. Not when Nikki still needs me, not when I’m supposed to be rebuilding myself into someone solid again. But then he smiles, and all my careful scaffolding starts to shake.
So, yeah, I might like someone.
But what I don’t like is that I kind of want to see what happens if I stop fighting it.
Love, Nat
Five
I got up early to run the next morning, hoping I could steady myself with as much normalcy as I could before Brooklyn picked me up for coffee. I gave a friendly nod to the older man with the golden retriever, looped around at the Whale, and tried to keep my thoughts focused on the rhythmic pounding of my sneakers as they hit the wet sand. That was the whole point of exercise, right? To shut your mind off and focus on your body.
But traitorous thoughts trickled through in the silent split seconds between songs switching on my running playlist. What was I supposed to wear? What if he chewed with his mouth open or listened to crappy music like EDM or dubstep? Was this an actualdate?
I gasped for breath as I abruptly stopped, linking my hands together on top of my head to stop my body from feeling like it was going to spontaneously combust. I’d done this run almost every day since I moved back, but I’d never felt my heart so eager to explode out of my chest. Even after I’d walked the rest of the way back home, I couldn’t rein it in. It was like a wild animal that had gotten loose.
While I was out, Mom had texted me that she was going out to run a few errands (which to her probably meant Starbucks and HomeGoods), leaving me an empty house to tear through like a hurricane as I tried to get ready for something that didn’t seem as simple as getting coffee with a guy. After inhaling half a peanut butter and banana sandwich, I dashed upstairs to shower and fired off a quick text to Mom.
NAT:sorry about the dishes in the sink. In a rush to leave
MOM:leave where?
NAT:coffee with a friend :)
Much in the same way Nikki didn’t need to be privy, neither did Mom. For all any of us knew, this could be the first and only time I hung out with him, so there was no point in setting any of us up for disappointment. I’d even kept certain details from Dad, which I never did. Even writing it down felt blasphemous somehow.
After I showered, I turned my closet inside out before forcing myself to settle on a flowy long-sleeved white babydoll blouse and loose jeans. This whole outfit debacle really brought how alone I was to the forefront, because I had nobody to even consult on the five outfit changes I made.
At school, I had classmates and acquaintances, but I’d always been so focused on my writing and my work that actualfriendsseemed like a time constraint. But now, with all the waiting and all the time I seemed to have, an empty space had opened up in me, begging to be felt like a wound.
“Not too plain, and not too formal,” I said as I surveyed myself in the mirror behind my door. I tied my still-wet hair into a braid, and when I checked my phone for the time, a text from him popped up in my notifications.
BROOKLYN KELLER (like the bridge):be there in 10
“Okay.” I spun around to face Gracie. “This will be good. Right?”
Her ears perked up slightly, and drool trickled out of her mouth and pooled under her chin on my comforter. She eased her eyes closed, and I gave her a soft pat on her head before grabbing my bag and going downstairs where I could wait with more diligence.
Sitting on the stairs, I situated myself low enough that I could peer out the front window but high enough that he couldn’t see me and my peering when he arrived.
My heart lifted in my chest when a bright-red Wrangler with the top off pulled up to the curb in front of the house. I watched with fascination as Brooklyn slugged back a can of Red Bull and checked his reflection in the rearview mirror, raking his hands through his mess of hair. Devastatingly, hopelessly endearing.
“He’s just a boy,” I told myself before hoisting myself up and walking to the front door.
When I opened it, there he was, halfway up the steps to the porch.
“Hey, I was about to call you.” He grinned and pocketed his phone. “Were you waiting for me?”
“What? No?” It came out more like a question, and I felt myself stiffen. “I just happened to be coming down the stairs and saw you in the window.”
Which wasn’t technically a full-fledged lie. He seemed to buy it—for now, at least.
He grinned. “What can I say? I have impeccable timing.”
I could tell myself over and over again that he was just a boy until I was blue in the face, but the way my cheeks flushed and my stomach churned in his presence told me it was more than that. He wasn’t just a boy. He was a boy who looked like he was ready to disrupt my whole universe. With his haphazard mess of hair, his unintentionally cool faded T-shirt, and a crooked, white-toothed grin that was ready-made for making girls like me melt into a puddle, I realized how horribly unprepared I was for him, and I couldn’t let it show.
“Besides, who comes to the door nowadays? That’s what text messages are for.” I brushed by him as I walked down the porch steps, catching a whiff of that fresh and clean cologne of his.
“Uh, people with manners.” He chuckled.
