As I made my way through the halls, passing closed doors with all kinds of stories behind them, I couldn’t help but think about the guy in the parking lot. Had he been visiting someone like I was, a family member or a close friend, so they didn’t have to spend all their days here alone? Did he feel guilty, like I did?
The smell of acetone hit me as soon as I walked into Nikki’s room, where she was crouched over on her bed, painting her toenails a vibrant pink. Like everything about my sister’s entire existence, she’d found a way to be as maximalist as she could with her temporary room, from the pink-and-orange-checkered comforter on her bed to the strings of rainbow beads that hung in front of the window. As the sun streamed in, it sent a confetti of colors across the pale wooden floors.
As soon as Nikki looked up at me, she let out a snicker. “Are youwearingmy cold brew?”
“Aren’t you the one who’s always telling me to be more risky with my fashion choices? Consider this a risk that didnotpay off.”
She laughed as I began digging through the college dorm–grade dresser in the corner of her room. The drawer was half empty, and I clocked about six shirts strewn across the itchy armchair in the other corner.
“Are these clean?” I picked up a tie-dyed crop top and folded it into a little square.
“Oh, yeah, I just did my laundry.” She sounded bored, and turned her attention back to painting her toenails.
“Nik.” I picked up another shirt to fold. “You have to put your clothesawayafter they’re washed, otherwise they’re going to be a wrinkled mess when you go to wear them.”
“Well, Idid.” She let out a frustrated groan. “But then I couldn’t decide what to wear to yoga this morning, and didn’t have time to put it all back.”
“You have time now.” I tossed the rest of the shirts at her, and she yelped.
“Um, hello? Wet nail polish!”
There was a faded navy Sky Valley University crewneck in one of the dresser drawers (which upon further inspection was definitelymine), and I quickly changed. Nikki and I didn’t share clothes too often, since we had decidedlymuchdifferent styles, but when I became aware of some of the hallmark signs of certain eating disorders, I realized she’d been hiding her weight loss in oversized T-shirts and hoodies, including mine.
Hindsight was 20/20, but that didn’t make the revelation suck any less.
“What compelled you to make these risky fashionable choices?” Nikki asked, nodding at the stained T-shirt in my hand.
I heaved out another sigh as I lowered myself onto her bed. “I was distracted getting out of my car and I tripped. Spilled everything all over me.”
There wasn’t really a point to telling Nikki the truth, mostly because there was a guy involved. I wasn’t adater, for no reason other than it wasn’t currently worth the time or effort for me, but my overeager little sister didn’t buy that excuse. She’d take one encounter with the latte assassin and escalate it to the point of setting up a wedding board on Pinterest. It was better for all of us to stay grounded and present.
“At least you smell good now.” She shrugged.
I playfully shoved her arm. “Excuse me, are you implying Ididn’tsmell good?”
“You said it, not me.”
Nikki tied her platinum-blond hair up into a bun, her grown-out brunet roots a tangible indicator of the two weeks she’d been here already. But a healthy glow had returned to her cheeks, and her eyes weren’t so glassy and sad.
Then again, she’d never really lookedsickto me, but that was one of the first things I learned after her diagnosis. Sometimes it wasn’t obvious, and that was what made finding out hurt that much more. She would still do her makeup and wear her loud outfits, and she’d go out every weekend with the friends she’d already made here. When I’d come home some weekends we’d bake slutty brownies and eat the whole tray while we binge-watchedLaguna Beach.
But it should have been more obvious tome. I was her older sister, and if I couldn’t see her struggling, then who could have?
“What?” She eyed me suspiciously.
“Nothing.” I shook my head at her and smiled. “You look good, Nik.”
She rolled her eyes and flopped back onto her bed. Even if she didn’t believe me right now, it was still important she heard it from me.
“Can we watchLegally Blonde?” she asked.
“I thought you’d never ask.”
Two
May 16
Hi Dad,
