Gracie scared us. For a while I thought we weren’t going to bring her home from the vet. Nikki panicked and I froze, and for a few minutes I think we both forgot how to breathe. At some point enough sense of mine turned on to know we needed help (I know you’ve never met Gracie but she is over a hundred pounds). So I called him, and he came without hesitation, in the pouring rain. He didn’t even ask for directions.
I don’t know why that part keeps echoing in my head. He came. Maybe because I don’t expect that from people. It’s the thing I’d DO, but not necessarily receive, mostly because I don’t want to.
When you died, people said Let us know if you need anything, but most people don’t mean that—it’s just the “right” thing to say. So I learned to do things myself. To fix, to carry, to soothe, to fill the spaces no one else wanted to touch. I thought that was strength. But when he showed up, I realized how unbelievably nice being taken care of was, even for only a moment.
He said it was no big deal, because that’s what friends do. I wanted to believe him, but it didn’t feel small. It felt enormous. It felt like air after holding my breath too long.
I might be confusing comfort with closeness. I keep asking myself whether I needed him there for Gracie or if I needed him there for me. I don’t want to need him—or anybody, really.
Is it wrong to let someone hold you up when you’re supposed to be the strong one? Or maybe that’s what being strong actually is, letting someone else carry the weight for a while.
You’d know the difference. I wish you could tell me.
Love, Nat
Twelve
“But like, how much do youreallyknow about him?”
“A lot, actually.”
“Like what?”
I groaned and shot Nikki a stern look as I rolled to a stop at a red light. While Brooklyn and I had casually continued texting throughout the week, the state fair hadn’t come up again, and I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up in case he had changed his mind. I thought if I could pick my sister’s much more boy-experienced brain about it, I’d come to a logical solution. Instead, she’d turned it into an interrogation after I’d picked her up from her weekly group therapy session.
“Is this you actually asking me for my own sake, or are you being nosy?”
“Both.”
I heaved out a sigh and lowered the volume on a boygenius song that was playing on the stereo. “He went to Clayton University. He played baseball. He likes movies. He listens to mostly ’90s grunge. He has a younger sister. Should I continue?”
The light turned green and I fixed my gaze back on the road. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her lips curl downward.
“I’m really not trying to be a bitch or anything. I’ve seen people like him in rehab. They have an illness, Nat. I just want you to know what you’re getting yourself into.”
“I’m notgetting intoanything,” I insisted. “He was upfront and honest with me from the get-go, and I feel like that counts for something. He also didn’t have to help us out with Gracie last week, and he did, so I think he’s proven he’s a pretty decent guy. Just because you interacted with someone who had a similar problem as him does not mean all people with that problem are the same.”
I really didn’t like it when I became aware of the sternness in my voice—as if I was scolding Nikki like she was my child and not my sister. “Look, if you really need more convincing, then come with us this weekend. Actually, you should come anyway because it’ll be fun. I think webothdeserve that.”
“I don’t wanna third wheel you guys,” she grumbled.
“First of all, you can’t third wheel something that’s most definitely not a date,” I scoffed. “And second of all, his sister and a few of their friends are going too. It’s like a whole social hangout thing.”
Nikki snickered. “When was the last time you had asocial hangout thing?”
“Exactly my point.” I hit the steering wheel with the heel of my palm. “That’s why I need you there. To help with mysocial hangout thingskills.”
“You don’t actually need any help, you know.” Nikki’s voice had softened, and when I stole another glance at her, she was pulling at the frayed edges of her bright-pink hoodie. “I know you like being on your own and all, but anyone you meet immediately likes you. You don’t even have to try. It’s kind of annoying, actually.”
She smirked at me, and I reached over the center console to hold her hand. “I must have learned that from you.”
Nikki snickered again. “No way, I’m not nearly as annoying.”
>> <<
As it turned out, Brooklyn had assumed that since I’d said yes to going to the state fair last week, there was absolutely no need to confirm that and instead had simply informed me Saturday afternoon that he’d be picking us up at six. I hated being unprepared, and suddenly that was exactly what I was.
As soon as I yelled across the hall for Nikki, she immediately went into outfit-scheming mode, and despite the situation, it was nice to see her really getting back to being herself.
