“I’m not asking you to.”
Alec paused and pursed his lips. “She really doesn’t know, does she?”
“I mean it,” Brooklyn hissed through clenched teeth. “Don’t go there. Leave her out of it.”
Nikki squeezed my arm again, now silently willing me to intervene, since it seemed it actuallydidinvolve me. I gulped down my heart before speaking.
“Alec, what are you talking about?” It took everything in me to keep my voice steady, since the rest of my body was rattling.
“Ask him.” Alec jerked his head in Brooklyn’s direction.
“Don’t drag her into this,” Brooklyn warned, putting his hand on Alec’s chest and gripping his T-shirt.
Someone else stepped in beside me, pulling Alec away from Brooklyn and standing between them.
“Why are you doing this right now?” Stella hissed at her brother, squaring up to him as if he wasn’t a whole foot taller than her. “It’s my fucking birthday and you can’t even keep it together for one night out.”
I felt like someone had glued me to the spot I was standing in with tar. I glared hard at him, willing him tofeelmy eyes on him so he’d at least look at me, but he didn’t. It was like I was watching from behind a two-way mirror; I could see them, but they couldn’t see me.
“Forget it,” he grumbled, shouldering himself away from our circle, not even so much as glancing in my direction.
My heart slammed against my chest, and through some force of sheer willpower or divine intervention, my body moved on its own, following him to the back.
“Brooklyn?” I called into the back hallway. A group of girls brushed past me, and two of them consoled a third one, who had streaks of tears and mascara running down her cheeks.
I stopped next to one of the bathroom doors, hearing the water run behind it.
I knocked on the door softly. “Brooklyn?”
A few moments went by before he answered. “What do you want?”
“To see if you’re okay,” I called through the door.
The water kept running, and another few moments passed without a response. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, as if I was waiting for lightning to strike me in an open field. Or maybe a deep, recessed part of my body knew that something bad was on the other side of the door, like in a horror movie—the kind you have to go through to get out. So I turned the handle and pushed the door open.
I had never actually seen anyone in the act of doing drugs before. Even in college some of my more adventurous roommates who did cocaine occasionally would do it in the bathroom with the door closed. But here it was, like something out of one of those cautionary films they showed us in health class in middle school. There was a dusting of white powder like freshly fallen snow on an old water-stained copy ofSports Illustrated. I studied Brooklyn carefully, his throat rippling as he swallowed down all of his shame and anger.
Anything I could have thought to say was swallowed by the sick, greasy knot that balled up in my throat. I tasted pennies, like you do when you’re about to vomit. I wanted to stick my face in the sink under the running water to shock my senses awake. Every time I blinked, I hoped that when I opened my eyes I would be dreaming, but I wasn’t.
“I don’t understand,” I managed to croak.
“I’m not asking you to.” He kept his head down when he spoke, echoing what he’d said to Alec before.
I slid into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He stood upright, his hands pressed into the sides of the sink. “Forget it.”
I felt my heart cracking the way his voice did.
I reached for his arm but he jerked away. “Brooklyn, I would have helped you if you needed it.”
“I’m not going to do that to you, Natalie,” he said in a low voice, and the way he threw my full name at me hurt more than it should have.
I shook my head, desperate to keep the tears stinging the corners of my eyes at bay. “Brooklyn, please.” I could hear myself begging. “Let me help you. Let any of us help you.”
“You want to help me?” There was venom in his words now, and it stung as it seeped under my skin. “You can help me by leaving me the fuck alone.”
“Brooklyn, it doesn’t need to be like this,” I pleaded. “I can help you.”
