“I have.” Nikki looked at me with a stony expression. “And I’ve decided I don’t like it.”
“Nikki, I don’t know what you think you know that I don’t.”
She shifted in the chair and her gaze dropped to her pink Adidas sneakers. “Enough.”
Suddenly it all slid into place, and the revelation drenched me like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on my head. “What has Alec told you?”
“Nothing,” Nikki answered curtly. “I told you, we don’t talk anymore.”
“Really?” I asked. “Why is that?”
“Stop making this about me.” Nikki groaned and smacked her hands on the thighs of her leggings.
“No, I want to understand,” I insisted, folding my arms over my chest. “It’s my turn to criticize your decisions.”
“Because of you,” Nikki blurted, jumping out of the chair and glowering down at me. The few people lingering in the emergency room lobby were suddenly very attuned to our conversation, lifting their gazes up at us and waiting to see what would happen next.
After glancing around, Nikki slowly lowered herself back into the chair and pinched her lips together. “I don’t want to commit time to someone when I have you to worry about.”
The worst part about all of this was that I knewexactlyhow she felt, and it made me feel small. I wondered how much I’d deny it if someone had told me that when it came to her.
“That’s—” I exhaled. “That’s ridiculous, andsonot necessary.”
“Itis. You don’t—” Nikki paused and sat forward in the chair, keeping her gaze on the sliding double doors that led back into the emergency room. “You understand way less than you think you do.”
“Then enlighten me.”
Nikki lowered her voice to a harsh whisper. “Do you get what it’s like to be someone like him? How easy it is to fall back into their shit?”
I shifted in my chair to face her, tucking one leg underneath me. “You underestimate what Idoknow. He’s been clean aside from that one incident. He’s going to group therapy. And I know he’strying.”
“Trying doesn’t meanyouwon’t get hurt.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“That’s the problem.” Nikki brought her hands down on the wooden armrests of the chair, wrapping her fingers around them tightly. “You always think you can handle things yourself. But what happens if this goes south? What if he relapses again and doesn’t get better?”
“Then . . .” I paused and swallowed hard. “Then I’ll deal with it.”
And I believed what I said.
“That’s what you’re not getting. You shouldn’t have to deal with it.” Nikki groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You shouldn’t have to be the one picking up pieces of other people.”
“I’ve been doing that my whole life, haven’t I? I was eight years old with a grieving mother and suddenly had to learn how to parent you, then my freshman year at college I had to figure out why Mom’s getting a call from the high-school nurse that you fainted in PE because you haven’t been eating lunch all week. I skipped graduation when you were admitted to the hospital and spent every day I could with you until you came home. But you know what? I’d do it all again exactly the same. So I’m not going to wait around until it’s that bad for Brooklyn. I’m just not. This is it, Nikki, and I can’t just shut it off, no matter how hard you and Mom tell me I should.”
I was on fire, burning down the entire room with us in it. Nikki sat back and nodded slowly, pinching her facial features together to hold in her emotions. I didn’t realize that I’d become this person, constantly teetering on the edge ofsomething, though I couldn’t even figure out exactly what that something was.
“Nikki, I—” I reached for her but she shifted away from me in the chair, keeping her gaze fixed on those emergency room doors. They slid open, and it seemed Nikki recognized the nurse who walked through them, as she stiffened in the chair.
“All right, she is good to go,” the nurse told Nikki. “I’m sorry for the wait, we had a mix-up with her paperwork.”
“Great, thanks.” Nikki forced a smile through tears that glistened in the corners of her eyes. She dabbed at her face with the sleeves of her sweatshirt as another nurse rolled Mom out in a wheelchair.
If there was one thing my sister and I were both good at, it was putting on a face, and if anyone had seen us in passing, they would have thought nothing was wrong.
“Remind me again, how did you manage to bust your ankle up walking into the community center?” I gazed at Mom in the rearview mirror. She had to sit sideways in the back seat so her leg could be properly elevated.
>><<
