He pulled back, eyes questioning. In the half-light his face was so familiar, the curve of his mouth, the stubble and freckles and clear brown eyes. I cupped his jaw with my hand for a moment. This man, my first and only love.
“Just feeling a little tired tonight,” I hedged, backing away, putting a few inches of air between us. “That margarita was strong.” I didn’t meet his eyes. He slid his hand along the small of my back, drew me to him and pressed a quick kiss on my lips.
“Okay, you head up to bed then. I’m going to do a few more laps.”He sounded disappointed. So was I. I nodded, unable even to look at him. If I did, I would change my mind and throw caution to the wind, but I’d regret it tomorrow. I didn’t want our last night together to be tarnished in any way. When I woke tomorrow, I would have only this memory for the rest of my life, and I wanted to be able to hold it close, a beautiful, treasured thing.
I turned away.
32
I woke early,alone in my own bed, as I knew I would, in a tangle of twin sheets with the taste of Rory still on my lips. Leadenly, I rose and sought out Aunt Gert, not even bothering to change out of my pajamas. The world felt leached of color. Her cottage was dark, but I found her posed on a patch of grass next to the herb bed, arms outstretched and hands floating through the air softly. It was Thursday. Her tai chi morning.
It was raining as I approached her, a fine mist that filtered down through the fog, soft as a sigh. She was wearing her tai chi outfit—a voluminous satin top, the deep yellow hue of egg yolks, with a mandarin collar and frog buttons, and matching satin pants. Beside her on the damp grass sat an ancient cassette player with the volume turned down low.
“And now the Cloud Hands Pose,” the soothing voice from the cassette player intoned, accompanied by tinkly Eastern-sounding instrumental music
“Good morning.” Aunt Gert continued her movements but took inventory of my disheveled appearance. I bit my lip, trying to tasteRory, desperate for the last vestige of him on my skin. Already the memory of falling asleep last night chastely curled against him in our big bed in Florida seemed like a lifetime ago.
“You used your last lemon drop,” she observed conversationally, stepping backward a few paces and almost treading on a bedraggled rosebush. She stuck one leg out and swept her arms in a wide arc.
I nodded, wrapping my hands around my bare arms and shivering a little in the wet chill.
“And how was it?” Her voice sounded oddly compassionate.
“It was...” I stopped, unable to categorize it.
I still loved Rory Shaw, had never stopped loving him, not even for a minute. But the girls. They were the unexpected treasure of the day. I closed my eyes, feeling the sticky warmth of a little hand in mine, pudgy arms around my neck, their sweet, sweaty smell after they’d been running around pretending to be unicorn princesses. I had not expected to fall for two headstrong, funny, ornery little people so fast and so hard.
“Yesterday I woke up with two beautiful little girls and a whole life with the man I’ve loved for twenty years,” I said slowly. “And today I woke up and they’re all gone. I don’t know how to live with that. I mean, it was so real. It felt so real. I don’t know how it all works, the lemon drops and waking up in a different life, but I know it wasn’t a dream. I didn’t dream them. They’re real and they’re out there somewhere, somehow. And I don’t know how to think about never seeing them again. It feels impossible. I can’t bear it.”
“Now move to Hold the Ball Pose,” the voice instructed. Aunt Gert bent her knees slightly and held her arms out in a circle, as though clasping a giant invisible beach ball.
“Would you go back to them if you could?” she asked calmly, conversationally.
I stilled instantly, my heart leaping with a sudden hope. “Can I?”
The thought of snuggling those two little wiggly warm bodies,reading stories, and smelling the strawberry bubble bath wafting from their skin. Drifting off to sleep curled against Rory even for one more night, so close I could feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Ecstasy and agony. I wanted nothing in the world as much as I wanted one more day with them.
“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “Yes. Absolutely. How can I do it?” I held my breath, as though afraid that even a tiny exhalation would shatter the fragile possibility.
“Now Snake Creeps through the Grass,” the voice intoned. Aunt Gert extended her left leg and bent low, stretching her arms along her leg. She was surprisingly flexible for an octogenarian.
“There is a way, but there’s a catch.”
“What is it?”
Aunt Gert frowned, wiping a wisp of white hair from her forehead and pausing in a half crouch. “If you use a lemon drop to go back a second time to a place you’ve already been, you can’t come back to your normal life again. You will stay there permanently. That will be your life for good.” She looked up at me intently.
“Oh,” I took an involuntary step back. I could go back, but I could not return to this life. I would stay there permanently. I thought of the places those lemon drops had taken me. Toast. Brighton. My mother. Hawaii. The box on her side table with my father’s face on it. Rory and the girls in Florida. I could choose one of those, but it would be my only choice. I felt the weight of the decision, but the possibilities it opened up left me breathless.
“I can choose?” I hardly dared to hope.
Aunt Gert swooped her hands gracefully like swallows, following the movements from the tape, then dipped into the pocket of her satin pants.
“Here.” She held out her hand. I obediently put out my palm and she placed a single lemon drop into it. “Take care. This is the last one.”
My fingers wrapped involuntarily around it, holding it tight, safe. That one little candy held all my hopes and dreams now.
“It’s up to you if you will use it,” Aunt Gert said. “Only take it if you’re certain you are following your bliss.”
