I settled back against the log, my arm pressed against Rory’s, and we watched dusk fall gently over the water.
“So, Duke,” I said finally.
Rory nodded. “Yeah.” He darted a look at me.
“Do you want to go to Duke?”
Rory didn’t say anything for a while. “Duke is a great program, one of the best,” he said at last, a hint of wistfulness and excitement in his voice. “I’d get a world-class residency. It would have been my top choice if not for...” He didn’t finish his sentence.
“Me being stuck here in Seattle,” I supplied.
He nodded. “Would I like to go to Duke? Yeah, in another life. But this isourlife, our story, so it doesn’t really matter.”
“Why doesn’t it matter?”
He turned to me, lacing his fingers through my cold ones. “Because I’ll move heaven and earth not to lose you again, Lolly.” He sounded so sincere. He was so sincere.
“If you say no to Duke, what will you do?”
He shrugged. “Get a job at a hospital or maybe as a high school coach. I’ll figure something out.” He sounded resigned, no spark of joy as he discussed his options.
I listened to his lackluster ideas and thought of Nancy’s prediction and felt cold to the marrow.If he chooses you, he’ll regret not following his dreams, she’d warned me.All that he could have been, for the rest of his life.
I wanted her to be wrong, willed her to be wrong. But if I was honest, I suspected she was right. He was planning to give it all up for me. I couldn’t let him do that. I could see it now, playing out so clearly. He would give it up for the love of me—his dreams, this golden opportunity, the life he’d been planning since he was twelve years old. He’d do it because the alternative was unthinkable. He was loving and loyal. He’d never choose his own interests over me.
But I knew him, I knew what he was made for, his passion for medicine and athletics, his deep commitment to every team he’d everbeen a part of. I knew that he’d give his dream up for me, but he’d suffer greatly for it. In some part of him he’d carry regret for the rest of his life, and it would be because of me.
“You can’t say no to Duke,” I said firmly. “Rory, you have to go.”
He shot me an incredulous, hopeful glance. “Are you saying you’ll come with me?” I heard the lift in his voice.
And for a minute I hesitated. The temptation was almost unbearable, to leave it all, to walk away. No more trying to mother a teenager who didn’t want me meddling in her life, no more accounts and inventory and ever-diminishing profit margins, no more coming home smelling like Danish meat loaf and red cabbage. No more rising early every morning to make those endless lemon meringue pies. I could just walk away. I could be free.
For a brief tantalizing moment I pictured it. Rory and I could rent a shabby little apartment near the campus. He’d work crazy hours. I’d get a cat for company. I could see the comfy brown couch, a table set for two, a row of potted herbs and flowers on a windowsill. Simple. The life we could have together. But to walk away was... impossible.
If I left, what would become of the diner, my father and my sister, and my family’s legacy? How would my father cope? The diner was what got him up in the morning. It was his way of carrying on without Mom, of holding us all together. I think it was what held him together too. He would be flattened if I left, and we couldn’t afford to hire someone to do all that I did anyway. The diner was our livelihood too. Without it I didn’t know how we would survive financially. And besides, leaving Dad and Daphne to fend for themselves was unthinkable. Daphne hated me trying to mother her, but she needed me more than she even knew. Dad was still mired deep in grief, and he had no idea what to do with a high-spirited teenage girl. Daphne pushed me away at times, but at others she clung to me like the scared child she still was inside. I was the glue holding my fractured little family together. If Ileft, everything would fall apart. My father and Daphne, our home and family and finances. It would be selfish and callous of me to leave. I couldn’t do it. It was impossible.
“No.” Just the one word but it shut the door to a world of possibilities, a life I ached to have as my own. “I can’t leave them. You know that,” I whispered, the words sticking in my throat like a crust of dry bread.
“I know.” He sighed. “So we just keep doing long-distance for, what, another three or four years?” His tone was flat and resigned.
The past three years had been hard enough on us. We’d talked about it often. We couldn’t rely on just a commitment to each other regardless of time and distance. No matter how much we cared for each other, we couldn’t keep living separate lives. It was unraveling us. We both knew it. We couldn’t make it another three or four years, I was positive. There would be nothing between us by then except memories and regrets.
I shook my head, tears prickling hot behind my eye lids. “We’ll never survive that.” I blinked them back and looked at him, the planes of his cheekbones stark in the gathering darkness, the fresh breeze ruffling his copper hair, his eyes on mine, searching, anxious. I loved him too much to let him destroy his life this way. And for the first time, I let myself acknowledge what that meant. I could not leave to go with him. And I couldn’t let him give up everything to stay with me. It would be the end of us one way or the other. I saw it clearly now.
“I think, no matter how much we love each other, our lives are pulling us in separate directions.” I said the words aloud, the truth starkly clear.
Rory pulled back, his expression stricken. “Lolly, what are you saying?”
I started to cry then, hard, ugly sobs. The truth was agonizing. It felt like the same pain as the day my mother died, a grief so huge it swelledup in my chest like an atomic mushroom cloud. My heart was imploding. I had loved Rory since I was thirteen. I felt like I would love him till the day I died.
“I love you more than anyone in this world, but we’re not going in the same direction. I don’t think we’re meant to live the same life.” I choked on the words. “If my mom hadn’t died. If I didn’t have to run the diner and take care of my dad and Daphne...” I couldn’t finish the thought. I doubled over, hugging myself to keep from disintegrating altogether. In another world, Rory and I would have lived happily ever after. In another lifetime, we would have been each other’s forever. But this was not that world. And there was no way to change it.
“No, Lolly. Listen. We can work it out somehow. I’ll figure something out here in Seattle. Not residency, but something.” He sounded desperate.
I shook my head. “If I let you say no to Duke, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You know it’s true. You’ll always wonder ‘What if?’ You were made for athletics and medicine. You live and breathe it. If you give it all up, you’ll be living a smaller life. It will be the wrong shape for you. Don’t you see that? And it will be because of me. And, yes, we’d be together, but in a life neither of us wants. I don’t want you to resent me. You have to go, and I can’t come with you.”
I saw the flicker of understanding cross his face, the truth of my words resonating with him, even as he fought them. He knew I was right. I could see that he did, but he couldn’t acknowledge it to be true.
