I took a sip gingerly. The soda was sticky-sweet and dark and so fizzy it made me want to sneeze. “A good run?” I said mildly. Her words sounded ominous.
“I got some news today.” Daphne spun her bottle between her fingers.
“Oh?”
“I’ve been accepted to a yoga instructor training course in Costa Rica.”
I stared at her. “What?”
She didn’t meet my eyes. “It’s one of the best yoga training courses in the world. I’ll be certified at the end of it. Damien’s going to come with me and get his scuba diving instructor certification. We’re talking about staying on afterward for a while if we like it.”
I was gobsmacked. “You’re joking. Tell me you’re joking.”
She shook her head. “It starts in May, so I’ve still got a few months before I go.”
“You’re springing this on me now?” My voice was rising with everyword. “Now? We’re drowning here and you’re just going to go away? That’s so... that’s so... what about Dad? He’s still in thehospital. He’s had a major stroke. And what about the diner? You can’t leave. We need you here helping out.”
Daphne was young and could be self-centered, but this took my breath away. She leveled a calm stare across the table at me. “Come on, Lolly. Be realistic. We can’t keep the diner running, not without Dad.”
“It would be a challenge,” I admitted, massaging the back of my neck where there always seemed to be a permanent knot now.Challengewould be an understatement. It felt impossible. And that wasn’t even taking into consideration the enormous tax bill looming closer every day. My mind was racing, trying to fit all the pieces back together. “Maybe if Dad recuperates really quickly?”
“Really? That’s your grand plan?” Daphne looked skeptical. “Lolly.” She spoke gently, as though she were the parent and I were the delusional child. “Dad’s not recuperating quickly. He’s not coming back. Not to cook at the restaurant. Even if he recovers, he can’t handle the stress. Didn’t Dr.Cho say his stroke was probably a result of all the stress he’d been under and that to recover fully he’s got to not be under pressure?”
I nodded. “Well, stress and the Camels he was smoking on his breaks every chance he got.” But I knew she was right. He couldn’t handle the stress of coming back, even if he physically recovered. “But we have to make it work somehow...” I blew a breath out, and it caught on the sob stuck in my throat. “Please don’t go.”
Daphne kept her eyes down, fidgeting with her bottle, peeling away the corner of the paper label with her fingernail. “Lolly, I love you and Dad so much. I’m not trying to abandon you. I’ll help as much as I can before I go. It’s not for two months. But I can’t live someone else’s dream anymore. You’re sinking, this place is sinking, and I can’t sink with you. I have to let go. It’s time. You should let go too.”
Anger flared in my chest, white-hot and instantaneous. “That’s so incredibly selfish, Daphne. To abandon us when we need you the most. After all we’ve sacrificed for you? All the hours and years I’ve set my own life aside so you could have a good life, a stable life? This is what you do?” My tone was harsh with disbelief and outrage.
A mutinous look crossed Daphne’s face, and she slammed her bottle down on the Formica tabletop, meeting my irate gaze with a steely one of her own. “I didn’t ask for you to do any of that. Youchosethat, Lolly. Youchoseto put your own life on hold for Dad and me. Am I grateful? Yeah, I am. It was horrible when Mom died, and you were always there, always available. I know you sacrificed so much for me, and I’ll always be grateful for that. You were like my big sister and my mom all rolled into one. But I’ve watched what you’ve become, this shriveled, beat-down version of who you used to be. All the stress of keeping the diner going, all those unmet life goals written in your diary. I don’t want to live life the way you do. I want to be my own person, live my own life. I love this family. I love you. But I won’t let it swallow me like it has... consumed you.” She faced me, eyes flashing, so young and confident and sure of herself. “What are you holding on to here, Lolly? Why are we working so hard to keep this place running? It’s done. Can’t you see that? This is over.”
I gaped at her, trying to absorb her words. “I’m trying to keep our family together,” I ground out through gritted teeth. “I’m trying to keep everything together.”
Daphne shook her head, her expression sad. “Lolly, look around. You’re not holding anything together; it’s already fallen apart. You’re just holding everything back, most of all yourself.” She pressed her lips together and looked me in the eye. “It’s time to let it go,” she said finally, and then she slid from the booth, grabbed her messenger bag and bike helmet, and walked out the door without a backward glance.
I sat motionless, fuming, gripping my soda bottle so hard myknuckles ached. “She doesn’t understand,” I said aloud, teeth gritted. “She doesn’t know how hard we’ve worked to make it all okay for her.”
I was furious with Daphne, furious at her casual disregard for our family’s history, and deeply hurt that she would abandon us in this way. But at the same time, if I was perfectly honest, I had an uncomfortable, niggling suspicion that she might possibly be speaking the truth. Her words seemed familiar somehow. I paused and thought back. There it was. What Daphne had said was an eerie echo of what my mother had told me during our brief, beautiful day together. I closed my eyes, trying to remember, and heard Mom’s voice again, felt the Hawaiian sun hot on the crown of my head.
Honey, it sounds like whatever you’re holding on to is perhaps already broken and you’re just holding the pieces together and praying for some glue.
I blinked in surprise. Both Daphne and Mom had said the same thing. Was it true? Was I just trying to hold together the shattered pieces of our life and legacy? Was I holding on to something that was already broken? I spun my soda bottle in a lazy circle on the tabletop, trying to sort through the welter of thoughts and emotions churning inside me. I thought of Aunt Gert’s instructions.Be honest. Pay attention. Seek joy.How did I do that at a time like this?
I took a deep breath. Be honest. Okay. What did I know to be true? What was I not admitting to myself? I stilled myself and thought about it. I took a breath and closed my eyes and let everything slip away. And there it was, the truth, rising up in that moment of silence, breaking through my fear and frenzy.
If I was honest with myself, I knew this was broken. I knew it had been broken for a long time now. Our family. The diner. My heart.
“Mom,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do. Everything feels smashed to bits. I don’t know how to fix it.”
And then I heard her voice again, repeating the wisdom she’d givenme that sunny morning on her veranda. I felt her presence so strongly with me, radiating warmth and love.Sometimes things don’t work out the way we hoped, despite our best intentions. And when they go pear-shaped, you have to let them.Sometimes you just have to let go.
Tears sprang to my eyes at the gentle sound of her voice, speaking a hard and freeing truth.
What would it mean to let go?
I looked around, trying to pay attention as Aunt Gert had instructed. As I did so, I saw things in a new light. The diner looked tired, a little shabby as always, but now it seemed empty. So empty. Not just of customers, but empty of our family. There was no one left here now. Dad could not continue his work here. Daphne had her own dreams. And me... well, I was trying hard to follow my bliss, whatever that meant.
With a sudden clarity, I saw the truth at last. The Eatery had outlived its purpose. It had been the central point of gravity for our family for three generations, but the shape of our family had changed so drastically that it was no longer the case. Mom was gone, Dad was disabled, and Daphne was jetting off on an adventure of her own. I was trying to keep something going that was already long past. It was time to move on. The revelation took my breath away. I stared down at the bottle of soda in my hand.
