“I told her she wasn’t a fit mother for you,” Buck interrupted. Even all these years later, his face was darkened with anger at the memory. “You could easily have been killed, Georgia May. She couldn’t keep you safe.”
“He was right,” Star admitted, wincing. “I was trying my best, but it wasn’t enough. As much as I loved you, I couldn’t take care of anyone, not even myself.”
Buck glanced at Star, his expression like flint, and Georgia felt a qualm in her heart. She could see the scene playing out in front of her, the impossible combination of a woman who could not stop her destructive behavior, and a man whose sense of duty and concern for his daughter could not allow him to soften or show mercy.
Georgia swallowed hard. The truth she had wanted for so long was more painful to hear than she had imagined. She didn’t know exactly how she was supposed to feel about Star’s confession. She had thought it would feel like a catharsis or an epiphany, but instead it felt like a tragedy all the way around. She felt sick with the knowledge.
“What happened next?” she asked softly.
“I gave her a choice,” Buck said, shifting in his chair. He looked resigned.
Star winced. “Hannah wanted to have me arrested for child endangerment. With the addition of the heroin possession, I would have gone to prison for a long time.”
“But I said no,” Buck interjected. “Star was still your mother and my wife, the woman I had loved. So I gave her a choice. Leave immediately and don’t ever come back. Leave the ranch and our marriage... and leave you. It broke my heart to do it,but I couldn’t trust Star anymore. It was the only way I could think of to make sure you were safe.”
“And you said yes?” Georgia asked, turning to Star. Here it was, finally, the truth about why Star had left and never returned.
Star hesitated. “It was an impossible choice,” she said, her voice catching on the words. “Buck said I could leave of my own free will, but if I did, I had to swear to disappear and stay away completely. I was giving you up for good. And if I didn’t go, Hannah told me she would turn me in to the sheriff and I’d go to jail for drug possession and child endangerment and I’d lose you anyway.”
“Hannah cared for you, Georgia May,” Buck interrupted. “You were her blood, and she was trying to protect you.”
“She saw me as a threat and was trying to keep you safe,” Star continued. “I was trapped. I knew if I’d fought them I would end up in prison and I’d lose you for sure. At least if I left voluntarily, I thought I would still get to see you through the photos and letters Buck promised to send. I thought if I went willingly, if I got clean and sorted out my life, I might have a chance to connect with you again when you were older.”
“So you chose to leave,” Georgia said bluntly.
Star nodded, looking down, her face twisted in shame. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, Georgia May. I felt like my heart was getting ripped from my body when I drove away. I could see you in the rearview mirror, your forlorn little face, and it hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to live without you even for a day. I thought about trying to steal away with you, to keep you with me, but I knew your daddy would move heaven and earth to find you and then they’d take you away permanently. I’d never have a chanceto see you again. And deep down I knew I was failing you as a mother. You deserved better. I could not keep you safe, not from my own demons. I knew your daddy and Hannah could give you a better life than I could. I knew they could give you everything I couldn’t—stability, respectability, a family name. So I took the best bad option there was and I left. I left because I loved you.”
Georgia made a little sound of protest. “But you didn’t come back,” she exclaimed. “You got clean and built this life for yourself, but you never sought me out. You never contacted me. Why?”
Star gave her a sympathetic look but pressed on. “Your daddy and Hannah and I made a pact before I left. They promised to cover up why I left to protect you and the Jacksons from scandal and me from jail time. And in exchange, I promised to never talk about what happened and why I disappeared. We all took that vow of silence. It was to protect all of us, and you. And I promised them I’d stay away from you until you were old enough to make your own decisions.”
“I’m thirty-three,” Georgia burst out. “Why did you wait all this time?”
Star glanced at Buck, doubt and frustration flickering across her face. “Because they told me you didn’t want to see me.”
“What?” Georgia whirled on Buck. “Tell me that’s not true.”
Buck shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Well now, Georgia May...” Uncharacteristically, he seemed at a loss for words.
Star interrupted. “Buck and Hannah sent regular photos and updates, just like they promised. I could see you were growing so well, so beautiful and confident and strong. Every so often, I’d ask them if you ever asked about me, if you remembered me, and they said no. They told me you were happy, and later, when you were older, they told me that you didn’t want any contact withme. I wrote a letter to you when you turned eighteen, asking if you wanted to meet me. They told me you didn’t even open it.”
Georgia darted a sharp look at her father. “Is she telling the truth?” she demanded. “I never saw a letter. Did you tell her I didn’t want any contact with her?”
“Uh.” Buck scratched his head, looking like he would rather be anywhere but where he currently was. “I think we did tell her something like that,” he admitted, then hastened to explain, “but we thought we were doing the right thing. You have to understand, Georgia. You were doing well in school, you had plans and your entire life in front of you. We didn’t want Star to mess things up for you, especially if she was still struggling with the drugs. We didn’t know if we could trust her, so it seemed safest to just keep her away from you. We were trying to protect you.”
“I’d been clean for years. I told you that,” Star protested angrily.
Georgia was speechless. “You had no right to speak for me,” she cried indignantly. “You lied to both of us.”
Buck looked chagrined. “I can see why you’d be upset,” he agreed. “But we were just trying to keep you safe.”
“By not telling me the truth and keeping my own mother from me for almost thirty years?” Georgia said hotly. She looked at Star. “I didn’t know,” she explained. “They never told me anything about you. After you left, it was as if you didn’t exist. I only had a few memories of you and then... nothing. No photos, no one would even say your name. It was like you vanished into thin air. I grew up thinking you left because you didn’t want me, that you’d left us of your own free will.”
Star flinched and closed her eyes. “Georgia May, my heart has yearned for you every second of every day for the last twenty-eight years. Leaving you was the toughest decision of my life. It about killed me. I left my heart behind, held in yoursweet little hands. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that you were safe and loved and thriving. I did everything I could for you. I got clean for you and built a stable, good life, all in the hopes that one day we might get to be together again. I stayed away all these years because I thought it was what you wanted, Georgia May, but I never gave up hope.” Her jaw trembled and she pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to steady herself. “And then when I got the diagnosis, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. Even if you didn’t want to see me, I had to try. I was out of time. When I got your reply to my email saying yes you were coming, it was the closest thing to a miracle I’ve ever seen.” She looked at Georgia, her gray-green eyes brimming with tears. “When I saw you standing there in front of the cottage that first day, so grown-up, so beautiful and confident, only then did it feel like my heart was back where it belongs. Finally, after all these years, my heart feels whole again.”
Tears sprang to Georgia’s eyes hearing those words. Finally, finally, she knew the answer to her questions. For twenty-eight years, she’d been trying to piece together the reason Star had left her. Now she held the truth. She looked from her father to her mother. It was a heartbreaking story of a family shattered by addiction and dysfunction, marriage troubles and human failings, deception and secrets. She thought she’d feel relief, that finally hearing the reason Star had left would bring her peace, but instead she just felt a deep sense of grief—for all that was broken, for the two flawed humans who had made her and then made such a mess of their lives and hers. They had lost so much time. They could never get it back. The enormity of the loss took her breath away.
She looked from her father to her mother once more. Their failures had cost her so much. They had cost her a mother all her growing-up years. Star’s struggle with addiction had drivenher from Georgia as a child. Buck’s misguided effort to keep Georgia safe had kept Star from her for far longer. She closed her eyes, remembering so many birthdays when she’d blown out the candles and wished for Star to come back. So many days and weeks and lonely years longing for her mother’s advice and love and acceptance... believing somehow she was to blame.
