“I mean, what if I saw some part of the vision but maybe I’m starting to suspect it’s not actually what I want? If I choose something else, will it mess everything up? Will I not get to fulfill my true purpose in life?” I glance at her anxiously.
Mom considers for a moment. “I don’t know, honey. I’ve never had to answer that question before,” she says. “I suppose I’d say it this way. The vision is an invitation, not a decree. You are incharge of your own life. The vision is supposed to help us see our purpose; it gives us a glimpse of the life that will give us the most joy and satisfaction. But we have free will. No one can force you to do something you don’t want to do.” She looks at me with concern. “I’d say you should follow your heart and then trust that the vision will come true in its own way. Maybe it will surprise you.”
“Maybe,” I murmur, feeling both relieved and doubtful. The vision seems so clear, but my heart seems to be tugging me in another direction. I’m thoroughly confused.
Mom reaches out and pulls me into a hug. She smells faintly of baby powder and a dab of White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor, her favorite perfume. “Listen to what your heart is telling you, Emmie,” she murmurs in my ear. “Follow your heart and trust that everything will work out as it should.”
Chapter 29
“What a perfect afternoon,” Henry observes. He’s lying propped on one elbow, dripping wet on a beach towel laid out on the wooden swimming platform anchored a little ways from shore in Liberty Bay. He’s wearing red swim trunks and a pair of classic aviator sunglasses, salt water streaming from his hair and lean, nicely toned body, making little puddles on the platform.
It’s late afternoon on the hottest day of the year so far. Tomorrow I leave for Vancouver for the chocolate competition, and I’ve taken a break from preparing my entries to have a picnic dinner and a swim with Henry and Gus. Henry invited us. He is flying to Vancouver on the earliest flight from SeaTac Airport tomorrow. He has to be at the competition before I do, and his travel was already arranged before I decided to enter. I’ll drive the four hours alone after I drop Gus off at school.
Today I’m trying not to think of tomorrow and instead focus on the present. I’m still feeling conflicted about my vision and myfeelings for Jakob, but I want to spend time with Henry, to give our relationship more of a chance. Today is not fancy—no dinner and dancing—just a picnic and a swim in the sunshine. I am curious to see how it feels to do something so normal with him.
We rented a rowboat from Ed, and Henry rowed us out to the floating dock that Ed puts out in the bay every summer for swimmers. It’s unusually hot and sunny today, and the chilly waters of Puget Sound feel deliciously cool as I trail my hand in the ripples and keep an eagle eye on Gus, who is wearing a life vest and swimming around and around the platform.
I am trying to relax, but my mind is spinning with anxiety over the competition tomorrow. There is nothing more for me to do, however. My chocolate entries are all packed up and waiting in the shop kitchen. All that remains is for me to drive to Vancouver tomorrow morning.
I slather on a little more sunscreen and try to enjoy the day. Farther out, the bay is busy with sailboats and speedboats and a few Jet Skis. There are even some folks waterskiing, waving as they go by. I’m wearing a bubblegum-pink swimsuit cover-up, a polka-dotted bikini, and big white cat-eye sunglasses. I don’t get to wear this outfit very often because ten months out of the year it’s too chilly for swimming here. But today is a rare and welcome exception.
We’re sharing a bottle of chilled sauvignon blanc, and Henry brought an assortment of nice cheeses. I bought bread from Kristensen’s Bakery, trying to ignore the fact that Jakob most likely kneaded this bread by hand himself. That feels weirdly intimate as I slice off thick rounds of it and spread it with goat cheese and layer on smoked salmon. I am trying not to think about Jakob at all. I want to give Henry my full attention today.
“Look at me, Mommy! I’m going so fast, like a shark!” Gus calls as he paddles past the ladder, huffing in exertion. He hasn’teaten lunch yet, too excited by the rare prospect of a swim. I wave to him.
“Good job, buddy. Keep swimming fast!” I tip my head back and briefly close my eyes, just for a moment. Follow your heart. Follow your heart and trust that everything will work out as it should.
I’ve been replaying Mom’s words in my head for days. I’m still not sure what exactly they mean, but I’ve decided to try to be honest with myself, to follow my heart and see where it leads me. At this point, I’m not sure where that is. I like and respect Henry. I’m drawn like a magnet to Jakob. Henry is leaving town in a few weeks, so my chance to figure out my feelings is growing short. I’ve decided to lean in with Henry, to be honest but also give us a little more time. It would be so tidy if I fell in love with Henry. Everything would make sense, tied up with a bow. But I can’t contort my feelings or force myself to love someone. Today is about exploring more of what I feel for Henry. I’m eager to see where this goes.
“Thank you for joining me this afternoon, Emmie,” Henry says quietly. My eyes fly open. There’s something in his tone that feels laden with meaning. I glance at him, trying to read his nonverbal.
“It sounds like there’s a ‘but’ there,” I say lightly.
He shakes his head. “Not a ‘but.’ It’s just that summer is coming to an end sooner than I’d like,” he muses, taking a sip of his wine from a stemless wineglass. “I’m going to miss this town. I haven’t stayed in one place this long in…years, I think. This summer has been unexpectedly wonderful.” He rolls the wine around in his glass. “I see now what I’ve been missing, and I’ve had a realization.”
I feel something important is coming. “What’s that?” I pop a grape into my mouth and keep one eye on Gus and one on Henry.
“That I’m going to miss not just this town but you, Emmie.” Henry glances up and takes off his sunglasses, his hazel eyes clear and frank. “I know we haven’t known each other long. It’s early days yet, but I hope you know how special I think you are.” He looks at me with such earnestness that my pulse starts to quicken. He keeps talking.
“You’re lovely, and talented, and a pillar of your community. Everyone adores you, and I quickly came to understand why. You’re an intelligent, kind, creative woman. And beautiful. It’s rare to find those qualities in a person, and rarer still to find you can laugh with them and feel at ease with them. I feel all these things with you, Emmie.” Henry pauses and gazes out at the bay, a small, thoughtful smile quirking up the corner of his mouth.
“You’ve made me realize how lonely my life has become. As I’ve seen you here in your community, seen you being such a good daughter to your mum and a great mother to Gus, I’ve become aware of…a hole in my life…a lack. I didn’t know it was there until I saw what I didn’t have, what your life is full of—love, community, taking care of others and them taking care of you.” He shifts and his face falls into a pensive look. “I want that, Emmie. I want to belong somewhere, to come back to someone. I’m tired of being alone, of not having a place to come home to. And if I’m perfectly honest, I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I like you very much. I respect you. Dare I say I want you. And I hope we can continue our time together. So I was wondering…” Henry pauses, choosing his words carefully, glancing at me a little shyly. “If perhaps you would consider still seeing me even after summer’s end? Even when I’m on the road? I’d like to see where this could go.”
Where this could go? Henry is asking to explore a relationship with me? Wow. This is big. I take a moment to consider myanswer. I should feel elated, but instead I feel unexpectedly cautious. I glance at Gus, who is paddling a few feet away from the platform, on his back and looking at the sky.
“I’m honored, Henry, really,” I say. I see his look slide toward disappointment and hasten to assure him. “I’m not saying no. I like you too, a lot. I mean, I’ve watchedSavorfor years and of course thought you were cute and sweet and kind. But then I met you and you’re all those things, but so much more. You’re intelligent and thoughtful and a genuinely caring person. It’s been such a wonderful surprise to get to know you for real these past weeks. So I’m not saying no. I’m just curious. How could this work? What would it look like?”
Henry looks relieved and twists a few green grapes from a cluster. He sits up, arm slung over his bent leg. He looks like a model for a 1950s swimwear commercial. “Well, my life will still involve a fair bit of travel. I’m contracted for four more years of the show, so the reality is that I’d be away a lot.” He frowns regretfully. “You could come meet me now and then though, on location, if you wanted to. You could see a bit of my world. I’d love to take you home to Cornwall and introduce you to my mum someday if all goes well. But when I’m not traveling, I imagine I’d base myself here. I could rent a place when I’m back, just so we could take things as slow as you like. I’ve grown very fond of this town. I’d like a chance to spend more time with you here, to give us an opportunity to see what we could become, if you’re willing.” He darts me a quick glance.
“I need to think about it,” I tell him slowly. “And I’m honored you would ask.”
It is not how I imagined life with a partner. Could it work between us if he’s gone so much? I take a bite of Jakob’s delicious bread, trying not to think about him kneading this dough, thegolden hairs on his bare forearms dusted with flour, those big fingers twisting and kneading the loaf.Concentrate on Henry, I tell myself.
“Take all the time you need to think it over. Answer when you’re ready,” Henry says reasonably. “I’m not asking for any sort of commitment. I’m asking you to consider giving us a chance to explore what this could be between us. But you have to decide if this is right for you and for Gus, of course.”
We both look at Gus, who is climbing up the metal ladder to the platform, breathing heavily.
“Here, sweetie.” I hand him his insulated water bottle and a towel, and he collapses next to me and drinks thirstily.
