Then I turn and call for Gus to get in the car. It’s time to head home. I’m bone-deep weary after pulling too many late nights in the kitchen making variation after variation of my chocolates,making tiny adjustments to technique and temperature, ratios and measurements. Now I need to sleep, wash my hair, and find my most professional outfit. I’ve done all I can to showcase my skills and creativity. Now it’s time to rest and get ready. Tomorrow I will find out if all I have done is enough.
Chapter 30
“Are we drinking consolation or celebration wine?” Dani asks when she finds me sitting on the steps of the pavilion at Liberty Bay Waterfront Park at dusk, drinking the rest of the sauvignon blanc picnic wine straight from the bottle. A light, briny breeze snaps the Scandinavian flags behind us in the fading blue light. The air is cool and brisk enough to raise goose bumps on my arms.
“Don’t know yet. Too early to tell.” It’s growing late and I should be getting home, but Gus is in bed, Mom is curled up with Mr. Butters in front of an episode ofWhen Calls the Heart, and I just needed a little space. I drove into town intending to do some work closing out the bookkeeping for the Happy Viking, but after I parked I detoured to the pavilion instead. My mind is jumpy and I can’t concentrate on numbers right now. I keep replaying the conversation with Henry in my head. Him asking me what my dreams are. Me having no answer. How sad is that?
I notice Dani is wearing a super-cute short orange dress and high-heeled sandals, and remember she had plans for the evening.
“How was your date?” I ask as she settles herself beside me on the wide steps looking out over the bay and marina. In the twilight I can just see the swimming platform where we picnicked with Henry earlier. I can smell cheeseburgers cooking from a restaurant somewhere downwind, mixed with the scent of the sea. I offer her the bottle of wine and she takes it.
“Lame,” she says and tips the bottle to take a swig. “I saw your text asking me to meet you here, so I said I had to go help a friend with an emergency. Asshat didn’t even ask what the emergency was or if you were okay, just asked if I wanted to hook up later.” She grimaces and hands the bottle to me. “So obviously I’m free for the rest of the evening since I won’t be taking him up on his generous offer. Remind me, why are we drinking at dusk in a public park?”
I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to be drinking alcohol in the park, but since a member of the Poulsbo police force is currently sharing the bottle with me, I guess we are okay bending the rules a little tonight.
“Henry asked me if we could keep seeing one another after he leaves,” I tell her. I take a swallow of wine and stare out across the bay.
Dani whoops loudly and pumps her fist in the air in victory. “Yes! This is celebration wine then?” she clarifies with a big grin.
I hesitate.
She reads the pause and instantly sobers, pulling back and looking at me. “Whoa, okay. Catch me up. What’s going on?”
I tell her about the picnic conversation on the bay today with Henry, and how confused that conversation made me feel.
“But this is exactly what you want, right?” Dani says,wrinkling her brow. “This is your future. The women in your family live for these visions. You’ve been waiting years, and you finally got yours and it’s amazing. So what’s the problem?”
“I don’t know,” I admit.
“Wait, let me get this straight. A super-cute, hot, famous, and probably rich TV star who also happens to be a really nice guy asks you to be his girlfriend and you’re sitting in an empty pavilion in the dark drinking leftover wine and not celebrating, because why?” Dani looks exasperated. It sounds ridiculous when she says it that way. Why am I not jumping for joy at Henry asking to date me?
“I know, I should be over the moon, right?” I sigh. “I mean, everything is lining up.” I set the bottle aside and take the napkin list from my purse and smooth it over my knee, reading it in the dim light.
Dani cranes her neck and reads it too. “Everything is going great for you, Emmie,” she says quietly, “so what’s the problem?” Her eyes on me are probing. She knows me so well, maybe too well. I can’t hide anything.
“Jakob,” I say shortly.
She mutters a swear word. “I knew it! I knew there was something going on. And you didn’t tell me?” She turns on me indignantly.
I shrug. “There’s not much to tell. We kissed the night I went to Seattle with Henry. When we got back from dinner, Henry dropped me off at my car. I walked to the shop to grab the stuff I’d left. It was late. Jakob came into the kitchen and it just…happened.”
I think of that kiss, the lightheaded feeling of desire, my knees turning to jelly. His frustration and pent-up longing. How safe and good I feel when I’m with him.
“How was the kiss?” Dani asks, peering at me.
I sigh. “It was the best kiss of my life.” Sadly I take a swallow of wine.
“Okaaay.” Dani draws the word out. “But, I mean, you guys have always had a strong connection, even when he looked more like a string bean than hot Thor. It’s natural you guys would still have a spark, right? Just because he’s hot and bakes amazing pastries and gave you the best kiss of your life doesn’t mean he’s what you want in a life partner. You can want to get in someone’s pants and not want to put a ring on it, you know? You’ve got to keep your eye on the prize.” She emphatically taps the list with one fingernail. “You’re this close to getting everything you want. Don’t get cold feet now.”
I squirm uncomfortably. “You’re right, you’re right.” Of course she’s right. What am I even thinking? So I’m attracted to Jakob. Who wouldn’t be? It’s only natural. But what I saw in my vision—that is the best thing for me, right?
I’m trying to convince myself of this until I recall Mom’s words when I asked her about the visions, her advice to follow my heart. That’s the kicker. I can follow a list. I can follow a vision, but I’m out of practice at following my heart. I’ve spent years responding to everyone else’s needs instead. I have to get back in touch with my own desires again, figure out what I really want. The thought is mystifying. How do I go about doing that? What if I mess up?
I think of Henry today on the dock, shyly asking for a chance with me, to see where our relationship might go. He is everything I’ve said I wanted. Sure, a life with him would take sacrifice and look different than I expected, but no partnership is perfect. I don’t need it to be perfect; I just need it to be right for me. If it is right though, why do I feel so conflicted? How can I reconcilewhat is in my heart with what I saw? I worry my lower lip in indecision, then sigh.
“Right now everything feels like such a muddle,” I confess to Dani. “I’m tired and overwhelmed and nervous…”
“And sexually frustrated,” Dani offers cheerfully.
