“What if you stop following other people’s ideas of what your life should look like and let yourself choose for once? What if you show up and get a say in your own life?” Dot spreads her hands wide. “I’m not saying you throw everything away. You’re right, you have responsibilities you can’t just walk away from, like your Mom and Gus, but what about all the other parts of your life? What do you want to fill those with? You have twenty-four hours in a day, same as the rest of us. What do you want to fill those hours with? What gives you life that also allows you to give something good to others? That’s the question you need to ask. And then you need to go find the answers for yourself. Don’t let anyone else answer that question for you. You get to choose.”
I lean my head back on the bench and consider her words. From the time I was tiny, I was trained to wait for my purpose to be revealed through the vision. I was told it was a great gift, and so I waited and waited, but now that I’ve seen the vision, nothing seems to be fitting neatly into place. The chocolate shop, which is one of the things I’ve dreamed of for years, is in real danger of not becoming a reality due to financial straits. My feelings for Jakob have thrown a big wrench in my envisioned happily ever after with Henry. And even my dress the color of sunshine is, if I’m perfectly honest, too tight and pretty darn uncomfortable. The vision I saw of my life seems to be, quite simply, not a good fit.
I say a bad word soft and low, then say it louder, making a mental note to put two quarters in the swear jar. Gus is inching ever closer to having his working model of the solar system.
Dot nods. “Yep, there you go,” she says and hands me the mezcal, slipping her arm around my shoulders and giving me a comforting squeeze. I take a long, burning swallow. My head is starting to swim. I need to stop or I’ll regret this in the morning.
“So what do I do?” I ask Dot.
“First you slow down on the bottle,” Dot says, swiping it back from me. “That’s enough Band-Aids for today. Then you throw every plan and expectation and limitation someone else has made for you overboard and figure out what you really want from your life. You gotta stop trying to live other people’s versions of your best life, Emmie, and figure out what it means for you to live your best life on your own terms. You’ve spent enough time letting other people define you. You gotta learn to take up space in your own life again, girlie.” She taps my chin thoughtfully.
“How?” I’ve had no practice at it. Not for a long time.
Dot squints into the darkness. “Ask yourself, what do you love? What makes you feel alive? What’s worth sacrificing for, working hard for? Who do you love and who loves you back? What do you have to give, no matter how small, that brings you joy and makes this world a better place? Focus on all of that and you’ll come out okay.” Dot pauses, then adds, “And if I were you, I’d think really hard about how to show that tall blond drink of water just how you feel about him, but that’s just my opinion. What do I know? I’m just a part-time mermaid.”
It is excellent advice, but I’m intimidated by the enormity of it. I hate how lost I feel, like I have no agency, no ability to take the helm of my own life. How did I let this happen? And how can I fix it? I clear my throat. “Any idea where I should start?”
Dot stands up and corks the bottle. “I can’t help you there, Emmie girl. Sounds like it’s time to put on your big-girl panties and figure it out,” she says pragmatically. “And now I’ve got a store to rearrange and a series of murders in the redwoods to help solve.” She gives me a little salute and then she’s gone.
After Dot leaves, I stay on the bench, thinking. I need to make space for myself in my own life. I turn the novel concept over in my mind as I wait to sober up before heading home. I’m chilled and exhausted but strangely wired too. I feel the energy of Dot’s questions coursing through my body. What would it look like if I created a purposeful, satisfying life on my own, without ancestral candles and confusing visions and a laundry list of items I am trying to check off to make it all happen?
What do I love? What makes me feel alive? What is worth sacrificing for, working hard for? I pull the napkin list out of my purse and squint at Dani’s writing in the pale silver light of a full moon.
To-Do List
• Henry + Emmie fall in love
• Chocolate shop
• Yellow dress
• Engagement ring + proposal
On impulse, I crumple it and stuff it back into my purse, determining right then and there to stop living my life constrained by this list. When I pull my hand from my purse again, I’m clutching the glass bottle of sprinkles. How did that get in there? I was sure I’d left it in the car. I unscrew the cap and shake a few into my hand, then more and more, a teaspoon of them at least, then a tablespoon. I tip my head back and toss them into my mouth, crunching their floral sweetness.
“I’m going to figure out what I really want my life to be,” I whisper aloud, feeling the sweet zing of courage hit my bloodstream. From tonight on, I’m taking control of my power to decide—how I spend my time, what I give to the world, who I love, who I sacrifice for. For too long I’ve delegated the role of decision-maker to others, letting their voices, their opinions, their needs trump everything else. No more. I am going to figure out what I value, what I believe in, and what or who I truly want. Taking control of my life, starting now.
Chapter 36
The first thing I do the next morning after I drop Gus off at school is return the too-tight, uncomfortable, beautiful dress the color of sunshine.
“Oh, honey, are you sure?” Paula looks surprised when I walk into the shop and tell her I want to make a return. “It’s such a great color on you.”
“I’m sure,” I sigh. “I love it in theory, but it just…doesn’t fit, unfortunately.”
Paula taps her acrylic fingernail against her bold purple lipstick. “Just a second, hon. I got a shipment in this morning. I might have something for you.”
She disappears into the back room and I pull the napkin list out of my purse. I cross off the dress with a feeling of regret. But as Dani reminded me earlier when we met to catch up with Byrdie’s lattes before she went to work, saying no to good things leaves room for the great things.
“I’m saying no to this dress that doesn’t fit so I can leave roomfor something better,” I repeat to myself. Dani encouraged me to practice the phrase over and over so I’d be better at saying no and holding firm. When I told her my plan to ignore the vision and why, she was one hundred percent on board. Now, in her enthusiasm and excitement, I’m having to hold her back from planning my new life. I have to do this on my own. I look at the list and frown. What should I keep and what should I replace? I guess I’ll figure that out as I go along. I’m making a new list one step at a time.
“You’re in luck!” Paula chortles as she bustles back into the room. She’s holding a big cardboard box. “Just came in this morning, and I think it’s the next size up.” She opens the bag and pulls out the exact same yellow dress. I check the tag, feeling momentarily unsure. It’s my size. I had resigned myself to giving up on the dress even though I love it. I hesitate. Is this dress what I really want?
“Feel free to try it on,” Paula tells me. I hesitate, running the fabric through my fingers. It’s a beautiful dress and a great color on me. Even if I hadn’t seen it in the vision, I’d still want it. It’s the prettiest dress I’ve ever seen.
“I’d love to try it on,” I tell Paula. In the dressing room I peel off my yoga pants and bamboo-fiber tee and slip the dress over my head. It’s a perfect fit. The zipper slides up to the top easily and—gloriously—I can breathe!
I twirl in front of the mirror, amazed by how radiant and comfortable I feel in the dress. I love it.
