To:Rawlins.T.M.
Subject: Re:Obscuration
Dear Professor,
Is it just me, or is there now something deliciously and terribly charged about me calling you “Professor”? It was nice to come home and see your email, but I confess you hadn’t left my brain in the intervening time at all. I’ve half convinced myself that I’m misremembering, that it couldn’t have feltthatgood, and then I read a few sentences of yours and I’m positive my memory is actually underplaying just how perfect your skin felt on mine.
What was I supposed to be talking about again? Oh. Yes. Obscuration. I’m aware that my certainty makes me sound a little naïve, but I genuinelydothink it’s possible for the basic principles of writ magic to be applied to human psychology and the brain cells that convince us we’re in charge when we’re making a decision. I’ve been reading a lot of Apogodric’s work—his theories on whether writ magic could be applied to the self seem like they could be a helpful jumping-off point, because the purpose of his research was bypassing the decision-making portion of the brain, but I keep running into brick walls. Is it possible this is the wrong approach entirely? What do you think, Professor?
Professor. God. Now I’m distracted again, imagining you asking me to stay after class. Telling me to lift my skirt and spanking me with a ruler as punishment for going down this utterly useless Apogodric rabbit hole. Am I a bad feminist, do you think, for how much this co-ed cliché turns me on? The power dynamic of you being my adviser, of telling me what to do? Because…it does. I admit that when we were in the Practicum testing my writ magic ritual, there was a moment when my breath caught because I imagined all of the terrible things I wanted you to do to me while my wrists were bound. It feels like I might need to test a more powerful version of that ritual ifmy thesis is going to be as excellent as I want it to be. Maybe, just for the intellectual challenge, I’ll write a ritual that binds one’s wrists and ankles. I think it should probably last longer than two minutes, don’t you?
x
Ellsbeth
From:Rawlins.T.M.
To:Storer.Ellsbeth
Subject: Re: Re:Obscuration
Ellsbeth,
I suspect that the rest of your thesis committee might wonder at the academic purpose of a ritual that binds your wrists and ankles to the four posts of a bed, splaying your body open for a time duration that would definitely exceed two minutes. So perhaps we ought not include it in your dissertation. But purely for the purposes of intellectual exploration, it sounds like a very good idea.
Your take on Apogodric is not entirely misguided, but it is not sufficient, either. His writing presupposes a straightforward cause-and-effect relationship between rational thought and human behavior. There is no singular decision-making portion of the brain to bypass; every choice is informed by a complex web of competing impulses. Whatever has passed between us demonstrates this; emotion and desire do not obey simplistic rules.
Successful obscuration will require changing someone’sfeelingsso that the action you induce feels like their idea (otherwise you risk creating cognitive dissonance that can be damaging, or reveal your manipulation). Consider looking into the 14th-century writings of proto-arcane scholars of the Mandressi school. Setting aside the quasi-mysticism, their approach will be valuable for its embrace of the fullness and mystery of human behavior.
In other words, Apogodric is an avenue of inquiry for which you need not be reprimanded, only guided to go further—but should a bit of corporal punishment be required to motivate you, I am certainly up to the task. And if you are a terrible feminist for delighting in that prospect, consider how embarrassingly un-progressive it is for a middle-aged man to not only want a younger woman, but want to dominate her. How do I reconcile politics that incline me toward equality of the sexes with the base ways in which I crave you? How do I square my own clearmoral opposition to ever taking advantage of a student with the way my mind races through depraved thoughts of my star pupil?
At least we are not alone in the retrograde “wrongness” of our desires. And I can assure you that whatever craven places your mind goes, mine will gladly follow, if it hasn’t been there already.
Your Professor,
Rawlins
From:Storer.Ellsbeth
To:Rawlins.T.M.
Subject:(no subject)
I’m sorry, I have to know. Have you ever done this with a student before?
From:Rawlins.T.M.
To:Storer.Ellsbeth
Subject: Re:(no subject)
I’m sorry you have to ask, and given the hour of your email, I’m sorry it’s troubled you. I understand. I promise.
No, I have not done this before. As a matter of principle, I have assiduously avoided entanglements with students, even former ones. In part, this is just professionally prudent. But the more important reason is that I have been in a relationship with an unbalanced power dynamic before. In the position of lower power. And I could not live with myself if I ever made someone else feel the way I was made to feel.
So I understand anything you need to do or think to protect yourself. But I assure you, the exception I’ve made is not out of any indifference to the whole range of potential consequences. It is for one reason only:
You are exceptional.
