Ellsbeth paced, restless and anxious. “What was she even doing here on campus? In the middle of fucking winter break.” Her cursing was uncharacteristic; he could tell that her anxiety was coming out as anger.
Rawlins took a deep breath, trying to be rational. “I should go talk to her. Maybe I can explain that this was…my fault,at the very least.”
“No, let me,” she replied, grabbing her coat. “I can try talking to her, sort of…woman-to-woman. Maybe she won’t feel the need to tell anyone. If I beg.”
“Ellsbeth, no, I’m the one who’s been irresponsible here.” He reached out to touch her shoulder, hoping to get her to pause, but she shrugged off his hand.
“Please.I can handle this.”
“Ellsbeth…you shouldn’t have to—”
“Do you trust me?” she interrupted him pointedly. It was not merely a question, he saw in her expression; it was a challenge.
“I do…” he said cautiously, and he mostly meant it, though he wasn’t sure if heshould.
“Then let me take care of this,” she said. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and headed out the door.
After she left, Rawlins wasa bundle of nerves. He stayed in his office for a while, trying to pretend everything was normal, and not to think about the fact that he may have just torpedoed the rest of his career, and Ellsbeth’s with it. The romantic ruminations of the last few weeks suddenly felt hopelessly naïve. How had he ever imagined that he and Ellsbeth could have a future? That he would get away with all this, that there would be no consequences?
Once it became clear that he wasn’t going to get anything done in his office, he pulled on his coat and started walking home. The sun set so early these days, most of his walk was in shadow; he slid on the ice, distracted, and bowed his head against the bone-penetrating wind.
He watched his entire downfall unfold as a movie projected in his mind. He could see Mary-Abigail telling the story of what she had seen to Lennox, whom he knew would fire him immediately. He imagined his colleagues, sharing the news in gossipy huddles around the office. He could already picture Gallway’s smug delight, with the rest of the faculty lining up like vultures to poach his classes and be first in line to get his office. He could see Ellsbeth trying to continue, thinking she was immune to the whispers behind her back, but she wouldn’t last more than a semester; maybe she’d try to transfer somewhere far away, in the hope rumors wouldn’t follow her, but this might derail her career permanently.
And Max. Still seething with anger at the revelation that Rawlins was his father, this public humiliation would only confirm the boy’s suspicions that Rawlins was some sort of monster who preyed on hisstudents. Any hope of his son speaking to him again had just been obliterated.
These thoughts and more followed him all the way home, through the first drink he downed hastily before his coat was even off, and the second one that he sipped, allowing the whiskey to burn on his tongue with every drop.
He was just starting to feel its warmth melting the edge of his anxiety when Ellsbeth sent a text:Talked to her…we don’t have anything to worry about. Promise.Rawlins stared at the message, feeling the knot of tension loosen in his chest but uncertain if he could dare believe his good fortune, when she sent another message:I’ll come over later?
In his kitchen that night,Rawlins was eager to hear Ellsbeth recount the incident. “Tell me everything,” he said as he poured her a glass of wine. “I want to know everything.”
“It wasn’t too bad,” Ellsbeth said, taking a sip; there was a peculiar vacancy to her expression, as though she were still in shock. “I just sort of said it was my fault, and that…it wasn’t what she thought it was. And she seemed fine to just forget about it, and not make a big deal.”
“That’s…not entirely reassuring,” Rawlins said. “It sounds like she just wanted to get out of the conversation. But that doesn’t mean she won’t tell anyone.”
Ellsbeth looked away, bit her lip, then let out a dramatic exhale. “Okay, look. The truth is, I told her I’ve had a crush on you for a long time. And that I basicallythrew myselfat you. And you were actually in the middle of rejecting me, and I was practically begging you to hook up with me…”
Rawlins studied her expression, not sure how to react to this. “Really? And…she believed that?”
“She did,” Ellsbeth said. “I’m a terrible liar, normally. But when I was telling her about you rejecting me, I thought about what it would be like if youhadrejected me, and…” Ellsbeth sniffed and looked up at him from beneath her eyelashes. “I cried, okay?”
He pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry…I’m sure that wasn’t easy.” He stroked her hair. “I know you hate the thought of being pitied.”
She sniffled against his chest and laughed at herself. “I promise, it’s taken care of. I won’t let anything…” She didn’t finish the thought.
Rawlins kissed the top of her head, then pulled away. “It was a smart idea, but…Maybe I should still have a word with her, too. Just to…you know, shore up any uncertainty.”
Ellsbeth stared at him intently. “Don’t you trust me?” It was the second time that day she had asked him, and while the intended effect of the question was undoubtedly reassurance, this time it felt defensive.
“I do,” he said hollowly, and gave her a thin smile. “You’re right, I’m sure it’s fine…we’ll just have to be extra careful for a while.”
“Of course,” she said. “Back off a little. No more office fucking…for a while, at least.” She gave him a wounded smile, and he nodded. Then disappointment entered her expression. “Sorry, are you asking me…to leave?”
Part of himdidwant her to go; getting caught had made him feel prickly and paranoid. But the hurt already coloring her face was plain, despite her effort to hide it, and he told himself to man up and not make this any worse on her. He shook his head. “No, of course not. Just…once the semester resumes, we’ll have to be…”
“Very careful,” she said. “Of course.”
The rest of the night was more strained than any they’d had since before the winter break began. Rawlins tried to relax during dinner, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how adamant she had been that he not follow up with Mary-Abigail. It bothered him. But maybe that was just Ellsbeth’s independent streak—the girl who hated the prospect of being taken care of, insisting on being the one to clean up their mess.
