I turn to find my friends staring at me, but I can’t find the words to explain what just happened there. It turns out I don’t have to because they both have enough words for me.
“I don’t trust him; he’s up to something.” Hayleigh stares after him and shakes her head.
Emmy looks at me and rubs my arm. “You have to be careful with him, Lace. I’m getting bad vibes.”
I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t joy or happiness that I feel.
It’s dread.
Chapter 12
Cole
Isit, staring at the message on my phone from Lacey. My heart plummets into my stomach, and my mouth goes dry.
Lacey
I saw Ted outside of Il Vecchio’s restaurant. He says he wants to meet, for the baby’s sake…What do I do? I kind of already agreed but I don’t know if this is a good idea.
I don’t message her back. I can’t, because if I do, then I won’t write what a best friend should be telling her, that it’s her choice, and I’m here no matter what. What I want to say to her is that for the past few weeks, my dad has been taking me to therapy and sitting through the sessions with me to help me overcomethis paralysing fear I have of not being enough. I want to tell her that I can give her the world, if only she would give me the time I need to grow and be who she needs me to be.
Instead, like the coward I am, I don’t message her back. The silent fear that I will lose everything outweighs all logical thought. Pulling out my phone, I ring Cas.
“Hey Cole, what’s up?” I open my mouth to reply, but he beats me to it. “And don’t say the sky!” He laughs at his joke, oblivious that my world is spinning out of control.
“Cas, can you ask Emmy if Lacey has mentioned this date she’s going on with Ted?” I bite the words out, his name tasting like ash in my mouth.
He groans. “Come on, man, I told you last time, I can’t be telling you the things Emmy shares with me.”
I realise it’s time to play dirty. “I never ask you for anything and I will never ask you again, but Cas, please, I am begging you…”
I know I’ve got him when he sighs. “I swear, Cole, donottell anyone I told you this.” He pauses as if unsure if he should share. “Emmy told me that Lacey agreed to go to lunch with Ted tomorrow at 2 pm, but you should absolutely not go to Sandy’s Deli Bar in Brimcrest. I’ve gotta go, Emmy’s shouting for me from upstairs.” With that, he ends the call.
I put my phone aside and walk into the bathroom, switching on the shower. I wait until the steam starts billowing around the room, and then I peel out of my pyjama pants and step into the hot spray, tipping my face up to the water and letting it wash over me. This is the only time I ever truly relax enough to think, so I go over the last session I had with my therapist, when she told me that my need to control everything was because I felt so out of control with the fact that I would never biologically have my own children.
I’ve only had a few sessions with her, but each time I feel like I’m getting a piece of myself back. I’ve been honest with her and told her all the nitty-gritty details, how sometimes I lay awake at night and consider jacking it all in and leaving, how I’d sabotaged every single relationship I ever had because they weren’t Lacey, and how I kept myself away from her romantically because I knew I couldn’t be what she needed.
That was when she asked me,‘What is the worst that could happen if you told her how you felt?’
Honestly, I couldn’t think of the worst thing, because I know that if we give in, we would be fucking amazing together. The one thing stopping me is the crippling fear that she realises I’m not worth the risk of taking our friendship further.
Friendship. Fucking hell, is that what it was when I almost choked on my tongue when Lacey answered the video call? She had no idea that her camera was facing forward and aimed right at that mirror. The red lace cups barely contained her delicious tits, and the bow that tied in between them was begging for my mouth to untie it. The sheer fabric attached to the underside of the bra draped over and around her bump. That bump made her look sexy as hell, but the lace underwear she wore had my mouth watering and my cock fucking rock hard.
Just like it is now. I look down and shake my head. This isn’t what friendship is; I shouldn’t be getting hard at the thought of my best friend barely naked. I absolutely shouldn’t be fisting my cock and tugging as hard as I can.
Maybe that’s what I’m doing, punishing myself.
Her face when she realised that I could see everything…she may think her face was horrified, and it was, but for a moment I saw lust written all over it, what I wouldn’t give to have that look directed at me right now. I’ll have to make do with the memory of it and imagine I am in that changing room with her now.
I would stand behind her. My fingers would skim the outsides of her thighs, travelling slowly up, bunching the fabric as I went along. I’d trace the outline of her breasts and move to the centre to slowly circle her nipples through the fabric. Her breath would hitch, and her breathing would become more shallow as I untied the ribbon holding this whole thing together. I’d kiss the side of her neck and listen to her moan out my name.
I pump myself harder and brace my arm on the wall in front of me. I feel the familiar tingling sensation down my spine, and I lose all sense of reality as I spill myself into the falling water while Lacey’s name falls from my lips.
Guilt crashes over me in waves, and I turn the shower to the coldest setting. When I finish the self-pity party, I get ready for work.
Today’s going to be a long day.
**********
