She opens her mouth to respond, but Philomena replies instead, “Is there a medical reason you can’t?” Lacey shakes her head, and Philomena turns to me. “Stop your fussing, youngman! Such a mother hen!” She turns away, tutting to herself, and I sit there dumbfounded as Lacey giggles at me being told off.
More couples start to filter through, and some expectant mums who are alone. Before we know it, the circle is complete, and Philomena is introducing herself to the group.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, so I take it out to check who it is.
Ethan
Look through the window
I look around and, sure enough, my stupid brothers are crowding the small circular window in the door. I give them my best death stare, but they stand there, laughing at me.
Me
None of you are getting any trifle when we next go to Mum’s!
Rafe
I’m telling Mum!!! *crying kid meme*
Me
Piss off the lot of you!
“Cole! Stop texting and pay attention!” Lacey whisper-shouts at me. I turn away from my laughing brothers and focus instead on Philomena, but I miss completely what she says.
“Cole! Come on, get over here!” She hooks a thumb over her shoulder in a come here motion, and I look around wildly. The rest of the dads in the room sit there with their smug fucking faces, and Lacey is barely able to contain her laughter.
I dare not look towards where my brothers are and instead shuffle awkwardly into the centre of the circle with Philomena.
“Okay, class. Since Cole here has a little trouble following instructions, we’re going to test some out on him.” She smiles at me with that wicked smile, and my stomach churns. “On all fours, please, Cole.”
My jaw goes slack. “I’m sorry, I thought you said for me to get on all fours.”
“Did I stutter? Yes, all fours. Now, please.”
I look up to the ceiling, knowing I am going to regret this, and move to all fours. I chance a look up at Lacey. She is really struggling now to hold it together. My lips twitch at her, trying not to laugh.
“Now, we’ve talked about this position, and I am sure you have all read the books. This is a prime position for labour as it opens up the pelvis. It also eases back pain and allows your little ones to get in a better position for the birth. Now, not everyone is going to be able to do it, and it is very important to listen to your midwife.” She pauses and moves behind me. “Okay, now, Cole, move those legs out a bit more.” She whacks the inside of my legs out, so I move them. “Now we’re going to practice our moans.”
My cheeks fucking flame, and I chance a look at my brothers. Ethan, the fucking dick, has his phone out, recording.
“Now, when in labour, an expectant mother will use her low-toned voice to help move her baby down the birth canal. This is done through controlled breathing and moans – or as others like to say, ’mooing’.”
There goes that maniac smile again. As long as she doesn’t make me moo–
“Okay, Cole, moo for me.”
“I don’t…uh…I-I’m not sure what you mean?” I give Lacey a look that clearly says ‘What the fuck’.
“Here, move over.” Philomena gets down on all four. “Moooooooooooooooo! Moooooooooooo! Mooooooooooo!” Shelooks back at me expectantly. I look at Lacey, and she cocks an eyebrow.
Fuck it.
I take a big breath in and, “Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Lacey completely loses control and guffaws, the rest of the group following her. I can hear my brothers outside and know they caught everything on film, but I have a hard time being mad because of the look of pure happiness and adoration on Lacey’s face.
Chapter 29
