Chapter 35
Lacey
Iwatch as the Peterson brothers file back into the room. They look happy and relaxed. Cole is the last to come through; his eyes find mine. Somehow, I never noticed before, but ever since we were kids, his eyes have always locked with mine when he walks into a room.
He smiles at me and mouths ‘I love you’, and I do the same back.
Emmy laughs just off to my side. “Lacey? Earth to Lacey.” I snap out of my daze, my cheeks flushing.
“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t listening.”
“I said we’re going to leave you and Peanut to rest now. We love you, girl, and we’re so proud of you.” She smiles softly at me before linking arms with Cas and leaving the room. One by one, the rest follow suit, until it's just me, Cole, and Peanut.
“She’s so beautiful, Lacey, you did so well.”
“I wish you didn’t have to leave. What if…what if I do something wrong? I’ve never done this before.” I worry about my bottom lip.What if I’m not good enough?
“You’re her mummy, you already know what she needs, and if you’re stuck, you ask for help, and tomorrow we figure this out together, okay?”
“Tomorrow.” I nod, and a yawn slips from me; suddenly, I’m worn down.
The midwife bustles in. “Right, now that Picadilly Circus has left, let’s get you on that ward. I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and some toast. Would you like jam?”
I nod, too tired to form words. I close my eyes for a moment and drift between awake and sleep until finally, lips kiss my forehead, and I drift away.
**********
A baby is crying in my dreams. I think it’s Peanut, but where is she? Panic claws its way to my heart, piercing it with ice-cold talons. The cold seeps through my body, paralysing me. I try to open my mouth to scream, to let her know that Mummy is here and I won’t let anyone take her from me, but that isn’t true, is it? Because I wasn’t strong enough to stop him from coming into the house. I was weak, and now he’s going to take her. Oh my god, he has her…
“Lacey, wake up, love. It’s just a dream, that’s all.” My eyes fly open to find a kind, round-faced woman smiling down at me. She cups my cheek. “I promise, you’re okay, and your little one is okay too. But she does seem to be hungry. Would you like to try feeding her by the breast or would you prefer a bottle?”
I look at her with wide eyes. “I, uhm, fed her with a bottle before because I d-don’t know what I’m doing with breastfeeding.” I lower my eyes as shame courses through me.
“No one knows at first. That’s why we’re here, to give you that gentle nudge and help you.” Her smile is kind, and so I nod. She picks little Peanut up, and I sit up and fluff the pillows. Then she places her in my arms and looks at me questioningly. I nod, and she helps manoeuvre my breast and my baby’s head till she latches on.
I suck in a breath at the sharp sting, but then I grow accustomed to it, and I stare down in wonder that my body has grown this little bundle in my arms and now it’s feeding her, keeping her healthy.
“I’ll be back in a moment. You never got to have your tea and toast.” I watch as she retreats, and for the first time, I don’t feel so scared.
The midwife comes back in just as Peanut finishes. “Oh, what lovely timing. Would you like me to take her and burp and change her while you have your tea and toast?”
“Oh, uhm, that would be amazing, is that okay?” I hand my baby over to Jules, as her badge states, and she smiles, taking her from me with ease.
I moan at the first bite of toast and marmalade. When did toast ever taste this good? I wash it down with a mouthful of tea, Tetley’s –my favourite. I greedily eat the rest of the toast, feeling a surge of energy.
Watching Jules expertly burp my baby, then change her nappy, has me asking, “How do I learn all of that?” She looks at me questioningly. “You know, how to be a mum, how to change her and feed her. What if I do it wrong or I do something that accidentally hurts her?” She opens her mouth to speak, but I interrupt again. “OH MY GOD, what if I drop her?”
Jules chuckles. “Lacey love, you’re going to drive yourself mad with all those questions. There isn’t a rule book, and every parent and child is different; you have to find your groove.” She hands me Peanut and clears away my cup and plate.
I snuggle with her for a moment, marvelling in her beautiful eyes. I know they’re going to change as she gets older, but for now, they remind me of Cole's eyes, as silly as it sounds. I place her gently back into her crib and settle back into bed.A couple more hours of sleep - yes, please.
**********
Yawning and stretching awake, I see Jules wander back into the ward, and I notice the light seeping in from under the blinds. She catches me looking. “Would you like them open?”
I nod as she lifts them and the sun shines through, casting a warm glow around my part of the ward and over Peanut, who sleeps peacefully.
I feel the rays on my face and close my eyes, smiling. “I love the sunshine so much. It’s such a shame we don’t get much of it here.”
