“He told you a big secret, so you wanted to tell him one. I get it,” she said with a soft smile that immediately relaxed his shoulders. “I’m not the one who cares if people know we hooked up, Judah. You’re the one keeping me your dirty little secret.”
“I’m not—” he protested instinctively, but yes, he was. Of course he was. He couldn’t even imagine what people knowing about their… dalliances would do to his reputation, both personally and professionally. He’d certainly never be set up again; Mrs. Ruziak would blacklist him. Still, just the words “we hooked up” coming from her mouth sent a thrill through him.
“You are. It’s fine. We said we wouldn’t talk about it, so we don’t have to talk about it. But what’d you say? When he came out to you, I mean.”
“I thanked him for telling me and told him I hope I’ll get to sing at his wedding someday. Why?”
That soft smile was back, and for some reason, it was doing funny things to his bones. “He had no idea how you’d take it.Ihad no idea how you’d take it. I’m glad it was good.”
Ouch. “You think because I’m a little frummer, I’m a homophobe? That I’d turn my back on my own brother?”
“You act like you’d be the first person to do that,” she said sharply, all trace of her smile gone. “It’s not like you’ve always been super close. And youdotake great pride in your reputation as a Nice Jewish Boy.”
Her pointedness did not go unnoticed, and he couldn’t exactly argue it, all things considered. Besides, she had a point—this wasn’t about him and how open-minded he thought himself to be. For the rest of his life, every single time Akiva came out to someone, it would always come with the baggage of what it meant to be gay and in the Orthodox community. Hell, their old shul probably wouldn’t call him up to the Torah anymore if they knew. If Judah thought people knowing he’d hooked up with someone would be hard, he knew it was a drop in the bucket compared to what Akiva was facing.
“I wouldn’t put my reputation before my brother,” he said finally, and he meant it.
But they both knew he’d put it beforeherin a heartbeat.
“I don’t know what to do with all this,” he admitted. “You’re both so comfortable in who you are, and I’m older than both of you and still don’t know what the hell I want.” Well, that wasn’t entirely true—he knew one thing hedefinitelywanted—but it didn’t exactly go with everythingelsehe wanted, and he didn’t know how to reconcile that.
“It didn’t come easily,” she said, fixing those ocean-blue eyes on him. “I don’t know how Akiva handles everything, but I can tell you it takes a while to get to the point where you don’t care how many people are talking shit about you or turning you into their quiet shame.”
The words punched him in the gut. “You still hate me a little bit, don’t you?”
“A little. Am I not justified in that?”
“No, you are.” He gave up and joined her on the couch, taking care to stay on the opposite end. “Part of me is always going to hate me too.”
“I know,” she said, pulling her knees up to her chin. “That’s the only reason I don’t eviscerate you on sight. We both know you do it enough yourself.”
He huffed out a laugh, rubbing his hands over his face.
“Do you want a drink?” she asked.
“It’s barely noon.”
“This isn’t a bar, Judah. Water’s a drink.”
“Oh. Yeah. I mean, I should probably go, anyway.”
“You should?” she asked as she padded over to the kitchen to pour a glass of water. “Or you want to?”
“Don’tyouwant me to?”
She shrugged. “No. I’m bored, and Liana’s gonna be gone the entire day. I was just gonna eat chips and watch HGTV, break open a new Lego set, so I don’t have much to offer, but…”
“That… actually sounds like kind of a dream afternoon right now,” he said with a laugh, absolutely meaning it. He’d been taking the week to prepare for the Pesach program, but the idea of hiding out here and getting to take a break from all that—not to mention the emails and other messages that awaited him—just sounded… so good. “You really don’t mind if I hang out?”
“You’re already in perfect couch position,” she pointed out, standing on her toes to reach an upper cabinet. He tried not to watch as the edge of her tank top rode up, revealing a slice of the soft curve of her belly, and failed miserably. “But don’t hog all the chips.”
“Deal. Do you need help reaching something?”
“Nope.” She was obviously lying, because she jumped up, swiped at the air, and came down with nothing. “Okay, maybe.”
He laughed and came around to the kitchen as she tugged down the hem of her top. “They’re up there,” she said, pointing.
Judah wasn’t especially tall—about five ten on a good day—but he had half a foot on Arielle, and it was more than enough to find the bag she was looking for. He reached up and over her, and when he pulled down the neon-green bag of chili-lime chips, they were left standing inches apart.
