“Hey, you.” Mira smiled as she swung open the door to reveal Judah standing behind it, then stood on her toes to give him a kiss.He was torn between whether to step back and avoid it or simply lean in and deal with the consequences later, but in the end he did neither, standing like a stone while her lips brushed his.
Mira didn’t miss it, shrinking back as if she’d been waiting for this day. “Everything okay?” she asked, even though he could tell from her wobbly smile that she knew it wasn’t. “How was the party?”
He shook his head. She was such a nice girl. How could he do this to such a nice girl? Over another girl who didn’t even want him? “I’m sorry, Mira. I really wanted to be the right guy for you. But you deserve so much better than me.”
She wrapped her thin arms around her small frame, setting her jaw as if she was trying not to cry. “Did you do something at that party?”
“Of course not,” he said, hating the way it felt like a lie even though it wasn’t. “It just had me thinking, and this—I don’t think there’s a future here. Between us, I mean. I don’t want to waste your time.” It was the best he could offer. He’d wanted to practice a speech, tried on the way over, but what was there really to say?
Mira sucked in a sharp breath. “Let me guess. By any chance, was Arielle Becker there?”
The mention of Ari’s name froze Judah in his tracks. “Why would you even ask that?”
“Well, it was definitely a little suspicious that she was the only person on the planet who seemed to know you weren’t shomer,” she said frostily. “And you think I didn’t notice the way you kept watching the door at Akiva’s, like you were waiting for her to show up? And then again when you walked me down to her apartment?”
He opened his mouth to deny it but stopped. Just because he hadn’t realized he was doing it didn’t mean he hadn’t.
“God, I should’ve known from the minute you asked about her on Pesach, but I couldn’t even imagine a world where you and she…” Mira shook her head sadly. “Is it about—I mean, is thisbecause she’ll do stuff you think I won’t? I know her reputation. I mean, everyone does, in case you couldn’t tell.”
There was no edge to her words, and Judah couldn’t tell whether she was trying to hurt him or if she was just working this all out in her head, like solving a math problem that had no comprehensible answer to the layperson. But he didn’t care about Arielle’s past; he only cared what she wantednowand whether that could include him.
“Mira.”
“Is that it?” Mira yanked up the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head, leaving her in a chaste black bra molded to her small breasts. “Is this what you want? Is it that simple?” She shoved down her skirt without any hesitation, and Judah dug his nails into his palms to avoid wincing. “You can have whatever you want, Judah. All you had to do was ask.”
She reached behind her back to unclasp her bra, and finally, he held up a hand. “Mira, don’t. Please. I really am sorry—you have no idea how sorry. You are such a great girl, and—”
“Don’t.” She snatched up her skirt from the floor and used it to cover herself like a shield. “Don’t give me the ‘great girl’ speech. Just tell me what it is you want. Let me at least try. Don’t you want to at least try? I mean, Judah—” Her voice broke off, and his heart ached as a tear rolled down her cheek. “God, you didn’t even tell me you were unhappy. Shouldn’t I get a chance to make you happy?”
Judah had never felt lower than he did at that moment. “I’m so sorry, Mira,” he said again, his voice a hoarse whisper. “I know ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is a horrendous cliché, but—”
“I can’t even believe you just said that.” Her shining eyes flashed with anger, and to Judah’s relief, she yanked her skirt on. “You pretend to be this ‘Nice Jewish Boy,’ but you’re not. You’re a hypocrite and a liar, and you want a girl with bigger boobs. Just own it.”
Everything she was saying was technically true, but when he’d had this conversation with Ari, it’d felt… different. As if he couldfinally breathe. There, with Mira, he just felt like a sinner, like dirt, like he probably should’ve been feeling the entire time. “You’re right,” he said to Mira. “I’m not the ‘Nice Jewish Boy’ you’re looking for. And I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment. But it really isn’t about you, or your…” He waved a hand in the general direction of her chest. “You’re beautiful, Mira, and you’re going to make the right guy so, so happy someday. I’m just not that guy. I’m not sure I’m the guy for anyone.”
“What does that evenmean?”
Again, his brain flashed back to that first car ride with Ari, the one where he’d spilled his guts about his (usual) lack of sexual attraction and how shockingly easy it had ended up being to talk to her about it. And in that moment, as Mira looked at him, confused and expectant, he knew he’d never find the right words for her. Instead, he forced himself to meet her tearful gaze, apologized one last time, and let himself out.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Lee!” Arielle looked around Aliza’s dining room in awe at how thoroughly the space had been transformed for Liana’s engagement party before descending upon her best friend with a hug. “Wow, Aliza seriously outdid herself.”
“I know, right?” Liana fiddled with one of the diamond studs in her ear and smiled at a group of guests. “I swear, only my sister could go from bed rest to throwing a stunning engagement party three weeks postpartum.” Aliza had ended up giving birth the day after Lag Ba’Omer to a beautiful little preemie named Emilia Jade (Amalia Yocheved in Hebrew). Liana was, predictably, utterly obsessed, and declared that delaying their engagement party by several months had been totally worth it, even though it was now so close to the wedding that it had to double as her bridal shower. Her gaze shifted to the bag in Ari’s hand. “Ooh, is that a gift for me?”
Ari snorted. “First of all, you know exactly what it is because you specifically begged me to get the asparagus steamer from your registry. But as it happens, yes, there is also a shower gift in there for you, and you can tell Gideon I say, ‘You’re welcome.’ Make sure you give a really obnoxious wink when you do it. Or maybe I’ll just do it myself. Whereisyour fiancé, anyway? Isn’t he supposed to be glued to your side at this thing?”
“The idea of being the center of attention was giving him hives, so I sent him on a mission to help Ollie put on a tie. He’s so freaking cute with him, it makes me want to pop out his babies immediately.”
“Everything makes you want to pop out his babies immediately.”
Liana grinned. “So true.” Then her face grew serious. “Speaking of which—and remember that you can’t get mad at me because I’m the bride—I should probably tell you that I invited Judah.”
“Liana! What the hell?”
Liana shrugged helplessly. “He and Gideon have really clicked, he’s Akiva’s brother, he’s singing at my wedding, and my idiot best friend is in love with him, so I figured he might as well eat some Caesar salad and listen to our sappy speeches.”
She whacked Liana on the arm. “Can you not be so loud?” she whispered fiercely, her face filling with heat. “Especially if you’re gonna put words in my mouth? I haveneverused the L-word.”
