His voice nearly cracked on the last words, and he ducked his head, cheeks filling with heat as he scraped his hand over his jaw. This might’ve been worse than the conversation in the car with Arielle. It was neck and neck, surely. But Gideon just nodded patiently and signaled the waiter for another round.
“That obvious I need another drink, huh?” Judah muttered.
“It’s a lot,” Gideon said, the corner of his mouth quirking up in a grin, “but I get it. I’ve been there. Turning your identity upside down isn’t easy. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. But it’s a lot to think about. And I didn’t have the pressure of my financial future riding on it. But—and I know I’m not exactly an industry expert here—I’m not sure yours is either. I saw your interview inNoted. I’ve seen so many of your old performances against my will. I think you have more power and fame than you realize, and you haven’t quite figured out how to use it. But maybe it isn’t the worst thing to push yourself to try.”
Judah gave a brief smile to the server who placed fresh bottles in front of them, then cringed behind his drink when he saw a glint of recognition spark in her eyes. Thankfully, she walked away without a word, and Gideon smirked, as if evidence of his hypothesis had just been handed to them.
“I cannot confirm or deny whether you have a point there,” Judah said after a long drink, “but it’s not only that.”In for a penny, in for a pound.“When I said dating didn’t work for me, that was kind of… an understatement.” The rest came out in a rushed mumble, fully buried in the din of the bar.
“Sorry, what was that?”
Judah huffed out a breath and took another quick sip, as if it’d help lubricate the words. “I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone else. I don’t know how to be certain if I’ve really fallen ashard for her as I think I have, or if this whole… wild animal magnetism thing is screwing with my head. And part of me is afraid I’m fooling myself and sacrificing my whole life for something I’ve built up in my own imagination.”
“Oh. Wow. Okay, that’s definitely another wrinkle.”
“Don’t I know it.” Judah snorted. “You know, I always assumed guys were just lying to sound cool when they talked about how great fooling around was.”
“You thought literally every single guy you know was lying?”
“Shut up.” Judah threw a peanut at him, and Gideon laughed.
“Judah. First of all, I need you to understand that having ‘a whole wild animal magnetism thing’ with someone is kind of a big deal, even for those of us who are nowhere near the asexual spectrum. Even when Meredith and I were good and the sex was good, I wouldn’t have described it like that.”
The asexual spectrum.It was a familiar phrase from a run of late-night Google searches in the weeks after he’d first talked to Nate, but he’d never dug too much. It was the kind of thing he’d needed to talk about in person, and he hadn’t known how—hadn’t thought he had anyone to do it with. Anyway, he wasn’t sure where on it he could’ve possibly stood now. Was there a word for “There is exactly one person in the world who sets my libido on fire, and if things don’t work out with her, I’m not sure I’ll ever feel that way again”?
“I—”
“Second of all, it’s pretty clear to me you’re fucking crazy about her, and I know that Orthodoxy’s emphasis on being shomer negiah and virginity can be confusing as hell, and that it can be difficult to understand what a physical connection can mean when it’s ‘forbidden’ to have one, but you don’t look at her like a guy who’s just thinking about a good blow job, and you don’t talk about her that way either.”
Judah exhaled sharply. “Of course not.”
“Third of all, have you ever thought about what it means that you feel like youcanbe this completely different person with her? That you feel safe enough with her to be that guy even when everyone else expects or wants you to be somebody else? That it isn’t ‘thinking with your dick’ butnothaving to think nearly as hard as you usually do because being with her allows you to breathe and be yourself?”
Judah screwed up his face and forced himself to look up at Gideon. “You… may be making some good points.”
Gideon rolled his eyes. “No shit.”
“Okay, so I have feelings for her.” The words stuck on his tongue, but it didn’t make them any less true. “But she clearly doesn’t feel the same way.” Gideon opened his mouth, no doubt to call him an idiot again, and Judah amended his statement before he could. “Or she does, but she thinks I’m delusional for thinking it’s worth trying.”
“Yeah, I don’t think you’re the one deluding yourself.” Gideon drained the rest of his bottle, rested it on the table, and looked up at Judah. “Let’s go.”
“Where?”
Gideon snorted. “You know where. Now c’mon. We have to make a pit stop first.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Judah’s fingers gripped the plastic clamshell container so tightly he could hear it threatening to crack, and he forced himself to relax his hold as Gideon knocked on the door.
“She’s going to kill me for showing up, and she’s going to kill you for bringing me,” Judah warned.
“Twenty bucks says she won’t,” Gideon countered just as the door opened, and Liana’s delighted smile filled the frame.
“Hey!” She rose onto her toes to plant a kiss on Gideon’s lips. “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”
“Surprise,” he said with a grin, then whipped out the clamshell from behind his back. “And an even better surprise.”
Her eyes widened as she pulled it from his hands. “Ooh, is that carrot cake? Thatisan even better surprise. If I weren’t already engaged, I would totally marry you.” She was about to kiss Gideon again when she finally noticed Judah lurking behind him. “Well, hello there.”
