“She does.”
“Then why is she doing this? I thought you wanted to come out.” There’s something accusatory in his gaze, or maybe it’s my own guilt reflected in his eyes. “It’s not that you have to… it’s just, there’s no boyfriend, is there? Your album is all about your favorite stories and characters. Why can’t you say that?”
“It’s complicated. Marissa says if I come out, it will alienate my fanbase.” I turn my back to him to place the teapot on the stove. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain, why I feel so exposed.
“Your manager doesn’t know everything—”
“Except that she does. She really does know everything. Didn’t you read some of the comments people left when they thought I had come out?”
Kai goes quiet, and the only sound left in the room is the boiling water. I’m not ashamed of being who I am, but I don’t want to be hated, either.
“Look, it would be different if I had mentioned my music is made-up from the start, or that I’m aroace,” I say. I should have clarified things when I first went viral. I just never expected people to take my music so literally, and everything happened so fast that I didn’t know how. “But I let this narrative about the boyfriend grow, and now it’s out of my hands. If I tell my fans there’s no guy, they’ll feel like I lied to them.”
They might leave me. And I wouldn’t blame them. Just like I couldn’t blame Kai when he left. But I don’t want to lose them, or my career. And I get why people like the idea of the boyfriend, the same way I love romance in the shows Iwatch. Fiction fills in the gaps of a disappointing reality. But the difference is, I’m not a fictional character.
“Maybe I’m not ready to come out yet.” My hands clench around the mug. I hate myself for admitting it. I thought I was over it, but I still care what people think.
“Okay, then I’m down,” Kai blurts out.
“What?” I stammer. At first, I’m not sure I’ve heard him right.
“Let’s do this. Let’s date. Or fake-date.” His eyes shine with determination. My throat dries. Why is he doing this? “Six months, right? It’s not that long. Sixty K is enough money that my family wouldn’t have to help me pay for tuition, and I could help my grandpa save for retirement. Or I could maybe, I don’t know, go back to drawing and writing. Part-time.”
I know him well enough to know this isn’t about any of those things, at least not completely. He’s doing it for me. I just can’t figure out why. Why he’d willingly throw himself into the centrifuge.
“Kai, I’m not going to fall in love with you—”
His eyes narrow. “Is that why you think I want to do this? Because I want to get back together? I don’t see you that way anymore.”
His words are resolute, and I can tell he means them, but he hesitates, as if there’s something else he wants to say. Despite everything, I believe him. I know Kai, and I know how he used to look at me, like I was oxygen and he needed me to keep breathing. The way he’s looking at me now, those aren’t the eyes of someone who’s in love.
“Then why are you doing this?”
A playful grin dances across his lips. “It’ll be fun.”
“Fun?” I scoff. None of this sounds fun.
“It’s you and me. We make everything fun.”
A pang goes through my heart. I can’t believe I’m considering this. But even if we ignore the rumors, people will still think Kai is the boyfriend, and they’ll continue bothering him. At least this way he can get some money out of it.
I bite the inside of my cheek, retrieve the teapot from the stove, and grab a mug for him. Two mugs, not just one. One for me, and one for him.
Because Kai is here. I’m not alone. And he wants to do this. At least for a while.
The day will come when I’m totally alone forever, but that day isn’t today. Maybe I’m just making excuses because I want to keep him in my life. Why else would he stay? He’s not my family. He’s not my boyfriend anymore. Without the veil of romance, I’m just Sasha. Not somebody’s favorite artist. Not somebody’s girlfriend. I’m just me. Is that enough on its own?
Mia’s words run through my mind.Be careful.
Being aroace doesn’t mean I want to be alone. Is it so wrong not to want to be alone?
“Friends who’re contractually obligated to date?” I say, passing him a mug.
Kai takes it. “Friends who’re contractually obligated to date.”
CHAPTER 6
I don’t know why lying makes me sick, but every time I let myself feel guilty about something, shame seeps into me like poison. It’s like my body is trying to punish me for being a bad person. If I lose my career because I lied about myself, I probably deserve it.
