We can always travel together some other time.
It’s not a big deal.
Really, it’s not. It comes with the job.
Doesn’t mean I’m not sad, though.
“Are we cooking or are we ordering?” Marissa plops down on the couch and turns on the TV.
“I could go for some pizza.” The tightness in my chest eases a little. At least she’s here.
I muster the will to take a shower while Marissa ordersfood, allowing the water to wash the exhaustion off my body. I’m halfway through putting on some lotion and moisturizing when I see three missed calls from Mia, and I remember that I promised her we’d FaceTime today. But I’m so tired from doing press that I don’t think I can manage more than monosyllabic responses, so I collapse onto my bed like a corpse in a murder scene and shoot her a text.
ME
i’m officially deceased. a zombie. raincheck?
MIA
oh, okay. don’t worry! was gonna text you to reschedule anyway.
Oh. I guess I don’t need to feel guilty then. We’re both busy these days.
MIA
you’ll never guess what happened today
ME
did you trip while carrying poop samples at the lab again?
MIA
AHHH. Sash. don’t remind me. it was an accident.
I wait for Mia to send another message and tell me about her day, but she’s a caller, not a texter, and after five minutes I realize she must have gone away and forgotten.
A breeze slips through the window, brushing against my skin, and jolts me back to reality. I should dry my hair and do my skin care, but it’s too late. I made the mistake of grabbing my phone, and now I’m melting into the bed, sucked into a black hole where I’m unable to do anything but scroll.
I hate this. I just have to get up and meet Marissa in the living room, but I’m too exhausted. I think about calling my moms, but they’re probably still asleep.
Instead, I search the veneer question (they have pores, so I guess your teeth don’t decay) before inevitably going to my social media. My new music video comes out in a few weeks and people are counting down the minutes until its release. They think it’ll contain clues aboutthe boyfriend’s identity, and my current relationship status. I don’t like reading these, but I always cave. Even though I know it’s not good for me, I just have to know what they’re saying.
@sassysnailpolishshe must be the one who broke up with him. in midnight moonlight, sassy mentions she made a difficult choice and left someone behind. that means she initiated the breakup.
Yeah, no, “Midnight Moonlight” was inspired by the journey of a character I like.
@sassyseyelashand they didn’t get along at all at some point… like, the lyrics “tell me, was this fate or war? I go to sleep and I’m still chasing dreams through bloodstained streets.” HELLO? Enemies to lovers.
Yeah… that one’s about a fantasy book.
Sometimes I feel like my fans are treasure hunting, although I’m not sure what the prize is if they figure it out.
If they figure me out.
It’s like we’re friends, in some weird, parasocial way. Whenever I feel alone, I remind myself that there are thousands of people who like me, just a click away. Their love echoes so loudly it reaches me through the screen… even when it feels a little smothering.
I used to reply to every comment under my videos, until it became impossible. Now my label has to approve what I post, so I try to connect with my fans in other ways. I go live as often as I can, and when I see someone saying something nice about my music, I scroll through their posts to catch a glimpse of who they are. I hate being a lurker, but at least it doesn’t feel so one-way. Some of them create amazing art and covers, so I try to support them by making anonymous donations if they have a link in their bio.
