Wait, huh?My expression hardens. “I don’t want to lie about my sexuality.”
“You’re not lying. You’re just not sharing it.” Her voice carries a hint of concern. “Sasha, no one’s entitled to an explanation about your private life. You set the terms, not them.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But sooner or later Iwillhave to tell.”
“Why?”
“Because—” My voice quivers with a mix of anxiety and anticipation.Because I want to, I realize. There aren’t that many ace celebrities to begin with, let alone aroace ones. Our identities are often erased, infantilized, or minimized. But maybe I could help change that. Most of all, I want to be seen for who I am. I don’t want to hide.
The last time I did, I lost my best friend.
My thoughts drift back to Kai, the hurt in his eyes during our last conversation.
“Okay, but why does it have to be now?” Marissa’s brow furrows. “I mean, I’d say, wait a couple of years, and if you still feel the same way, once your career is more established, we can—”
“What do you mean, if I still feel the same?” My hand twists around the edge of the table. Where’s this coming from? When I came out to her, she was nothing but supportive.
“I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.” A flash of regret crosses her face. “Shit. That was the wrong thing to say. I apologize. I’m just thinking about you, and what this could mean for your career.” She passes me her phone. “I didn’t want to show you this because people are being aphobic but…”
One of her tabs is open on her socials, another one on a press article: “Sassy might have come out, but her fans are left looking for answers. Wasthe boyfriendfake all along?”
The comments are no better.
sassyisanicondoes it mean that her songs are fake? there’s no boyfriend
untouchedgrassi mean, good for her. but I feel kinda lied to… all these theories for nothing
sassyisaniconyeah, like what’s the point of looking for clues in her songs if their love story was never real? her songs are just songs now. greatest love story of all time… a lie.
sassyspiercingsare y’all idiots? first off, she could be gray- or demiromantic and in love. still aroace. she could be in a relationship. still aroace. but that’s besides the point. who the fuck cares? do you knowhow harmful it is to speculate about someone’s sexuality?
My stomach sours, and I feel like throwing up. I… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be who they want me to be.
Marissa squeezes my shoulder. “You’ve worked so hard for this. If you want to come out, I won’t stop you, but personally, I’d wait. Don’t upset your fandom. And I mean, it’s a victimless crime. You can still be you. We don’t want things to change, right? And there’s the Grammys…”
Honestly, fuck the Grammys. It’s my fans I care about. What if I come out, and people hate me because I gave the impression that my songs were about a guy? Will they be disappointed? Will they stop listening to my music? Are they right? Did I lie? Should I apologize?
I have to choose. My music or my sexuality.
A victimless crime.
My throat closes up with a mixture of nerves and nostalgia as I stand on a makeshift podium in my old high school gym. After I threw up twice, Marissa had to give me an emergency clonazepam so I would be able to attend this event, but it’ll wear off soon, and I’m worried I’ll plunge into the depths of anxiety in front of everyone.
Around me, the stage is decorated with fairy lights that twinkle under the cold lights overhead. It makes me wishI could put on my sunglasses to deal with the brightness. I risk a peek behind me, where a screen readsWELCOME BACK, SASSY!
Back.My heart sinks, and memories come rushing through me. Making theater props forMacbethwith Kai and Mia. Kai was always good at making jewelry with a glue gun, and he made the three of us friendship bracelets. Mine broke long ago, but I still carry it in my overnight bag. Skipping PE and sneaking out through the old fire exit with Kai. Playing chess during math class with Mia, our phones hidden in our pencil cases.
It feels so fresh in my mind, but all that’s left of those moments are the memories. Mia is in college in New York, and Kai is… honestly, I don’t know where he is. He blocked me on everything.
“Although you might know her as Sassy, Sasha was a student here just a few years ago.” Ms. Williams, my former theater teacher, wears a proud smile as she turns to me. “What would you say is the key to success?”
Rows of chairs stretch out before me, filled with eager faces I don’t recognize. I pull at the edge of my ponytail and twist a strand of hair around my finger. The air is electric with anticipation, as if they expect me to reveal some fundamental truth that will change the course of their lives.
“Well, the key to success is to always be yourself.” I gaze out at the crowd, but the words get stuck in my throat. “Don’t be afraid to show the world who you are.”
Ha, isn’t this shit ironic.
I didn’t even write this speech.
