“You’re not broken.” I take a tentative step toward her and sit on the other end of the bed.
“I thought having a boyfriend would make me feel less lonely. Jason made me feel like I had someone who cared about me, and I got lost in it. It felt really nice to be wanted. Like I had checked off an invisible box and I could finally relax.”
A tinge of understanding courses through me. I’ve always thought it was stupid, the way people rush into relationships because they can’t be alone, but isn’t that what I did with the contract, in a way? It was a way to conform, to escape the pressure. I guess we’re all lonely in the end. It’s just… romantic relationships can’t be the only way to have someone deeply care about you.
“I understand,” I say. Surprise flickers through Mia’s eyes. “And I shouldn’t have said that you were desperate to be in a relationship. You were right. I was being judgy. It’s okayto want one, and to want to be crazy in love and spend time with that person. Or persons,” I add, thinking of Shirley.
She shakes her head. “Not if it means fighting with your best friend.”
“Then why didn’t you just talk to me?” I ask. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were lonely?”
I thought we told each other everything.
“You’re always so busy. When I call, you hardly have time to pick up. I didn’t want to burden you with it.” Mia cradles the plushie in her hands, staring at it blankly. “You have your own life now. A life I’m barely a part of.”
“You’re never a burden to me.”
“But you were right,” she says. “When you said that we can’t connect in the way that we used to. Hearing you say it out loud made me feel like I had already lost you. Like I was grasping at the straws of our old friendship.”
I gulp. There it is—the elephant in the room. Mia and I are growing into different people. I don’t know how to fix that. But I know I want to work on it. Maybe the love we have for each other needs to be remolded into something else. Relationships take work, but friendships do, too.
“You will never lose me.” My voice wavers, but I speak on. Even if we’re upset, even if an apology doesn’t make things okay right away, she needs to hear it. “Sorry to say, but you’re stuck with me. I mean that. We’re going to rock the retirement home together.”
That earns me a snicker. “Okay.”
“Even if we’re apart right now, I still want you in my life,Mimi. I want to find ways for us to reconnect. And I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I want that, too,” she whispers, reaching out and giving my hand an uncertain squeeze. “You know I’d choose you before any guy, right? I shouldn’t have invited Jason to hang out with us without asking you. I’m sorry.” She lets out a quiet laugh. “I broke up with him, by the way.”
“Are you okay?” My stomach clenches a little. Even if I didn’t like him, I don’t want her to hurt.
“I will be.” She wipes at her cheeks with a sniffle. “I should have broken up with him after that night. I don’t know why I didn’t. I hated the person I became around him, but I was stuck in it. It’s like I became small.”
My heart lurches. I feel stuck, too. In Sassy’s skin, the expectations that go with her. I should be doing something to protect Kai and Asher, and yet, here I am, feeling too small to do anything.
“Wait, then what happened?” I ask. “How did you break up?”
“Nothing, really. One night we were playing with this baby simulator to see what our kids would look like, and he said something about how I’d be a great mom—that he could already see me staying home with the kids. And I was like… Uh, no. Maybe I want to be a mom one day, but I love microbiology. I’m not giving it up. It spun into a fight, and then, I don’t know. Remember theBarbiemovie, when the Barbies suddenly wake up? It felt like that. Fuck him, honestly.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He can burn in hell for all I care.” She flops down on the bed, staring at the ceiling with a mix of anger and resignation. “You were right. Love sucks.”
“I never said love sucks.” I let myself fall next to her until our heads touch. “Have I ever told you who Jason reminded me of? The rat fromRatatouille.”
She gives me a look. “Don’t disrespect Remy like that.”
We both start laughing so hard that we have to sit up. I want to say it’s like old times, but that’s not true. I shouldn’t cling to the past, because it doesn’t allow room for change. This is new, but our bond can take it. It’s steady, even if it evolves. Even if it changes. It’s ours to shape.
“Can I hug you?” Mia asks. I tackle her in an embrace before she can finish her sentence. “I love you, you know that?”
Her hair tickles my nose. It smells like strawberries. “I love you too, Mimi.”
“So does Kai. He visited me,” she tells me. She pulls away and holds my hands. “He came to New York with Asher to get us to talk. He said I shouldn’t make the same mistakes he did. That spending two years away from you was torture.”
A pang of pain spears through my chest. Kai’s ready to burn down the world for me. And I’m not even doing anything to shield him from a storm of my own making.
I reach for my phone and navigate to my private account and look for Kai’s profile. I don’t even know what I’m going to do—message him? And say what?
