I’ve never been an active participant in family dinners. Ever. Madison was the star of the show, eager to fill any silence with lengthy stories about her own life. The three of them would chatter and speak over each other, always leaving me in the dust. Whenever I was home for holidays or break, it was like I was a guest in their home and not another member of the family. I don’t know what fantasy my mom is making up in her head, but dinner was never an idyllic mealtime situation.
At least, not for me.
“Decent, where you’d speak to us and participate in conversation, not hide behind those hand gestures.” Mom puts her utensils beside her plate and crosses her arms.
“It’s a language,” I correct her. My parents nod along, not contradicting but not fully understanding me. I smirk, signing what I really want to say. “Stop being such an asshole about it—and yeah, I’ll sign that right to your face.”
My mom doubles down on her argument. “I know French, but you don’t see me using a language no one else at the table understands.”
Dad leans back as if subconsciously conveying that he’s not in full agreement with her line of reasoning. I stare straight down across the table at the both of them.
“That sounds like ayouproblem,” I say. “If you bothered to learn—”
“I didn’t get any sort of contract that said that was a requirement of being a mom.”
“No, you just gave birth to a Deaf kid.”
“Eleanor,” Mom says, “we’ve been over this. It’s fine to know sign, but you don’t need all that.”
Dad steps in, trying to bring his rational approach to things, but instead makes it all so much worse. “It’s helpful, of course, but you know, you’re notdeaflike that.”
It all comes down to this. The nagging point that must’ve been lurking in the back of my parents’ brains all these years. The fact that I’m not the kind of child they wanted.
Mom winces at my inscrutable expression and extends a hand down the table toward me. “We don’t mean it like…” She trails off.
Softly I ask, “Like what, exactly?”
My father takes a deep breath and sits up straight. “You know we always wanted what’s best for you. And we never stood in your way.”
“We were happy for all you got to learn at Brandview,” my mom says.
Dad agrees. “We would never stop you from having that experience.”
“I just sometimeswish,” Mom continues, attempting to choose her words carefully now that they’ve dug such a deep hole, “that all of that hadn’t come at the expense of you being away from us for so long.”
“Right.” I roll my eyes.Like that would have changed anything.At least with living away from here, I could sometimes forget my constant resentment. “Well, thanks for another fantastic evening being back home.” I stand and take my plate to the sink. “Really makes me think of all the great nights I must’ve missed while I was gone.”
Dad says something as I walk away, but I don’t bother. I did my part by showing up. It’s not my fault the dinner went that way.
If I were younger, I would’ve stormed off, screaming, stomping up the stairs, and slamming the bedroom door shut. Well, sort of like I did the other night. But instead, I move slowly. To let them know that they can’t get to me anymore.
I close the door to my room softly and slump to the ground against it. I need to plan a way out of here. Soon.
My phone vibrates again.
I finally check it and find a follow-up text from Jackson.
JACKSON:
Sorry, that was kinda dorky. I meant for the video to be funny, but now I’m thinking it was really weird. I’m just really getting into this for some reason.
Above it is another video message like the one he sent earlier today. I was curious when he was missing from study hall, wondering when we were supposed to do a tour. This time, he’s learned the wordspaghetti, demonstrating the curling movements with his pinkies while slurping an actual strand of pasta.
Whyishe suddenly interested in learning ASL? It probably won’t last long. People are always so eager in the beginning, but eventually, if they don’t have any sort of personal connection (or even if they do), they lose the initial interest and dip out.
ELLIE:
Nice, that looks better than my dinner
