Nevertheless, some of the action scenes are a bit too much for my brain to handle, so I cover my eyes with our joined hands—planting a kiss on hers before setting them back down to continue watching.
Presumably, there’s a joke to be made about a matinee showing where I’ve got a cane and she’s got hearing aids, but for the first time in a long time, I actually feel my age again. I’m eighteen, on a date to the movies, and everything is, well, normal.
I squeeze Ellie’s hand, never wanting this night to end.
After theHidden Spiescredits roll, Ellie drives us over to the Deaf house. I leave my cane in the car and walk slowly to the door, regaining confidence in my stability.
“You seem to be getting the hang of things again,” she says, squeezing my hand.
The pessimistic part of me wants to say something like “for now,” because who knows what could happen down the line, but I don’t let negative thinking interrupt our great night. Iamfeeling sort of like a person again tonight. I know that might not be the most glowing status, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt even somewhatokay.
Shay, Izzy, and Alex are squeezed together on the small couch, watching something on a laptop, in fits of laughter. Kayla is cookingat the stove but rushes between the kitchen and living room so she doesn’t miss what’s happening.
“Hello.” I wave, still eager to make a good impression on her roommates.
Ellie doesn’t miss a beat. “He rented out a whole theater for an open-caption showing!” she says and signs. “I would’ve texted, but it was early, and you all had work or class.”
“We can all go together next time,” I offer. “Again all,” I add in sign. Hanging out here, I’ve been improving my ASL, but admittedly, Ellie and I don’t spend much time chatting when I come over.
Ellie practically squeals, leading me by the hand to her room while her roommates break into laughter behind us. I can only imagine what they’re signing to each other right now, but I’m sure it’s hilarious.
We kick our shoes off, locking the door behind us. Ellie puts her arms around me, drawing me in for a kiss and guiding me toward her bed. When I’m lying against the pillow, she climbs on the mattress and wraps her legs around my waist. We’ve been taking things slow, on account of the symptoms I’d been managing until now, but Ellie changes that with one motion, dipping back to pull her shirt off.
She flings it to the floor.
That bra she’s wearing really looks amazing on her. She quickly puts her hair up and stares me down expectantly. I reach up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, careful to not cause her hearing aid to whistle. She wraps a hand around my arm and plants a soft kiss on my wrist.
Ellie bends forward, reaching a hand up my shirt, feeling my racing heartbeat. I help her tug my tee over my head. This all feels so right.
Then why do I feel like I need tonotbe touched right now?
I reach up to kiss her, trying to fight off whatever this interference is, but I tense up and turn away, ending the moment before it’s really gotten started.
Ellie narrows her eyes, leaning back and giving me space. “Are you okay? If this was too much, I—”
“No, it’s not.” I curse myself. “It’s just…”
I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling right now. It’s like my broken brain isn’t sending any of the right signals. I want to keep kissing her. Ireallywant to. But my legs, my hands, my lips, myeverythingisn’t functioning as I want them to. I’m freezing up and getting too inside my head.
Why won’t my body let me enjoy this?
Ellie mentions carefully, “I did see some articles how guys—”
“Shit.” I don’t even know what she saw, but I’m embarrassed as hell. Depression? Disfunction? Clearly nothing that makes me look great.
I’m filled with adrenaline, but my body has frozen. I don’t recognize my life anymore.
“Jackson, it’s okay, really.” Ellie curls up beside me. Her cat jumps up on the bed. Has he been in the room the whole time? She shoos him away.
I stare down at our shirts together on the floor. I will my body to want to take action, to kiss her again, to keep advancing things, but I’m just stuck here.
My eyes water. That would really be icing on the cake. I’m absolutely falling apart. Too much for anyone to deal with.
“Jackson.” Ellie brings a hand to my cheek. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I just—I don’t want to bother you with all this.”
“What?” she asks. I turn away, but she guides my head back. “I just didn’t hear you,” she explains. “Please.”
