“What?That’s not—”
“I saw the documents, Laine!” I jab a finger at the envelope, its contents spilled out across my desk. “You’ve been planning to leave for months! That weekend trip you took to California—that was really to Oregon to see the property, wasn’t it?”
Laine’s jaw flexes, her eyes making quick calculations between doubling down on a lie and finally owning up to the truth. “Well,yes, but—”
“You lied to me—why?So you could use me for a job and sex, then leave me here?”
“No!” Laine’s voice is vehement. “When Cosimo gets back, I won’t have a job. What am I supposed to do then? I’m avintner, Zoe, you helped me believe that again. I want to make myownwine, run myownvineyard. This opportunity opened up, and I thought if I could get everything ready for us there while givingyouenough time to realize we’re meant to be together, that when the time came, you’d come with me. We could run the vineyard as equals, baby, a place that could belong to usboth. Is it so wrong to want to do what I lovewiththe woman I love?” Laine holds her hands out to me, her eyes beseeching me to hang on to the life preserver she’s offering. But what good is a life preserver in the middle of the ocean with no boat waiting to rescue me, no shoreline in sight?
“I can’t leave Bluebell Vineyards.” The statement barrels out, my ever-present reflex that kicks her words away from my heart. “And youknowit!”
“I know that you believe that,” Laine says softly. “You see me, Zoe, but I see you, too. You’ve been unhappy here, and forso long. You’ve chained yourself to this vineyard as though it deserves your life more than you do, but that’s not true. Youcanleave. You can have a different life with me. You can let yourself be happy.”
“I can’t leave my family! I have obligations here, I’m part of somethinghere.Bluebell is the one thing I have, and you’re asking me to turn my back on it!”
“It’s not the one thing you have, Zoe. It’s the one thing you choose.” Laine’s voice crumples at the edges, and it rips my heart in half. “Even over me.”
“Then don’t make me!” I beg. “Whyare you making me choose?!”
“Because I shouldn’t have to give up my dreams to be in this relationship!” Laine finally yells. “I want both!”
I swallow, the painful ache in my throat metastasized throughout my entire chest. “Then that’s that. You won’t stay, and I won’t go.”
“Do notdothat, Zoe! Do not give up on us!” Laine’s eyes burn. “We can make it work, if you justtry—”
“How?!” I demand.
“We’ll do long distance, then!” Laine pulls at her hair. “We’ll keep trying until—”
“How many months do you think we’ll make it once you leave?” My voice trembles in the face of our oncoming reality. “Are we going to talk on the phone every night? Text each other all day long? How many plane tickets can you afford a year? Three? Four? How long before your trips home become little islands of time that grow farther and farther apart, and the visits turn into just sex? Sex I’ll be too weak to say no to because—”
Because I love you.
Because I’ve always loved you.
“Because I’mpathetic!” I hurl the word at her, willing her to see me as I really am. “It’ll be like Harlow all over again,no strings attached! Well, I’m all strings, Laine, a messy, tangled knot of them, and those strings keep me here.”
Keep me trapped here.
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you yet! I knew you’d use Oregon as proof I don’t love you so you can throw us away, because despite everything I’ve done to show you how I feel, it’s still easier for you to believe that I’m lying than believe that someone could love you. Well, I love you, Zoe, and I won’t let you tell me I don’t. When Cosimo returns,thenwe can figure out—”
My dad.I press a hand to my chest, as though I can brace my lungs from the outside in, willing them to expand properly. Laine’s form swims in front of my eyes.
“Zoe, you need to sit down. I think you’re having a panic attack.” Laine takes my arm, and I snatch it out of her hands, then stumble. With a grimace, she grabs me around the waist and hauls me into the tasting room, taking no heed of my flailing arms. I sag against her, struggling to breathe, and let her set me down in a chair. She returns a second later with a glass of water and squats before me.
“Drink this.” Her tone brooks no argument, so I try, but my hand’s shaking so hard that water spills down my chin. Laine steadies the glass before I drop it altogether. “Now tell me what’s going on.”
“It’s my Nonna,” I finally gasp out. “I just got the call that she’s—she’s—passed away, and my dad’s not—handling it well.” My voice breaks, remembering the vacant expression my father wore for years following Mom’s death. Iknewhe wasn’t strong enough to go out there alone, to live alongside another person he loved and watch them die. “He needs me out there, but how can I go? The festival’s only two weeks away—there’s so much to do, how am I going to get it all done, how can I—”
Laine gathers me in her arms and shushes me against her shoulder, and I let all the questions resolve into wordless sobs again. Landing the showcase was a dream come true, our big chance to break free from our suffocating financial position. The one thing, ironically, that could’ve made Laine’s dreams of taking me away possible. But how can I manage the showcase and bring my broken father home, too?
“Here’s what’s going to happen.” Laine’s hand is firm against the back of my head, the pressure there helping to stifle the fear burgeoning in my chest. Fear for my father. Fear of ruining our vineyard’s big chance. Fear of not being enough, of never being enough, to hold up the world around me. How am I going to hold it together now?
How am I going to hold myself togetherwithout Laine?
“I’m going to buy us some plane tickets. We’ll get on the next flight to Italy, and then—”
“We can’t both go to Italy, Laine!” I yank my head back and disengage from her arms. “I’m not even sure I can go!”
