CHAPTER ONE
NOMI
It’s eleven p.m. the night before our Memorial Day beach trip, so you know whatthatmeans.
Pube chores.
Grimacing, I wrestle the electric razor free from its packaging. As a natural brunette, I have no choice. When I purchased the red, bandana-printed bikini, I didn’t realize it’d look like a bearded bandit robbing the county bank down there. I’ve gotta take care of business.
Regrettably, business isbooming.
I plug in the razor and hike a foot onto the bathroom counter. I saw this tip on a male makeover show, and if men can buzz their body hair away, why can’t I? It’s satisfying, removing whole stripes of hair at a time, and way less painful than waxing.Genius, I huff.
I traverse nooks and crannies with ease and pause for a quick tug of weed from my vape. It’s a new strain I’m trying for work, and my head feels thick and syrupy. The body high’s spreading, too, and a pleasant, giddy rush tingles in my lower belly.
Ahh. I make a mental note.This is horny pot.
I take another hit, admiring the line of my leg in the mirror’s reflection, then release the vapor seductively in an exaggerated pucker.
Behold your Valedictorian, Sparrow Nook, New Jersey, for she has comefar.
The clipper guard yanks a thick patch and I hiss, nearly losing my balance. I toss the offending plastic away. I need a closer shave, anyway, which will be good enough as long as nobody gets too close down there.
Fortunately/unfortunately, nobody ever does. Contrary to what my best friends Eve and Graham think, I don’ttrynot to date. It comes very naturally. When I was younger, I was too sick to care. Now that my Crohn’s disease is technically in remission, which means I only get sick once or twice a month instead of constant misery, Istilldon’t care. Dating is hard, stressful, and involves too many restaurants and public bathrooms. It’s easier to just… not, and focus on my health, friendships, and opening my dream business—a cannabis dispensary with lounge à la Amsterdam “coffeehouse.” Great lighting, excellent vibes, and a place you can buy, partake,andsocialize.
I sigh dreamily as I raze my bikini line down to the skin.
Once New Jersey legalized cannabis, it was like a spotlight clicked on and an aggressive stage manager whisper-yelled“Showtime!”before shoving me onstage. I’d been lost for so long, unsure of what to do with my life when illness consumed so much of it. But as soon as the legislation passed, I started researching how to open my own dispensary. I got a job at the first one in the area, worked up to manager, and I’ve been planning and saving ever since.
See? No time for love.
When the right hemisphere of my mons pubis is suitably bald, I eye the narrow strip of hair lining the inner sanctum.
You could leave it, Spinster Nomi whispers in my head.Nobody will ever see it.
I take another tug of weed.
She’s right, of course. Nobody has ventured this far since… when was that party where I made out with Lil Dom, Sparrow Nook’s goofiest cop?
Ugh, she fake retches in my head.I still can’t believe you made out with Lil Dom!
“I was lonely,” I mutter aloud. “I liked his mustache.”
See? You can’t be trusted, she says.Leave the inner bush as deterrent.
I sigh. As much as I’d like to, it looks ridiculous. How can I respectmyselfwith the Swedish Chef lurking in my panties? It’s like a soul patch with too much soul. A metaphoricalno trespasserssign surrounded by weeds. I take another hit, lean into the one-legged lunge on my counter, and spread myself carefully—
My front door slams against the wall. I shriek as the bulky razor slips, colliding horrifically with flesh, then falls. My foot careens off the counter.
“Nomi!” Eve calls. “You’ve gotta try these! Nomi?”
I look down at the warm, slick coating of blood on my fingers and the shrieks graduate to screams. Eve throws the bathroom door open, and now she’s screaming, too. Evangeline Ionides may present as a black cat lesbian, but she’s the human equivalent of the pot-laced cinnamon rolls she makes every Christmas. Eve does notdostrife; she cannot witness suffering. A softie of the highest order.
“Jesus, Nomi!” Eve gapes at my hunched body naked from the waist down. Blood drips between my fingers onto the tile, and she covers her eyes immediately. “Is that your period?! Why’s it so heavy, oh my GOD!”
“No, you dweeb! I cut myself shaving!” I moan at the sharp stinging pain coming from just left of center, in folds town. “Hand me a towel!”
Eve fumbles one-handed around my bathroom, still covering her eyes, chantingoh, Goduntil she finds a towel and throws it at me. It lands over my head. Everything goes dark.
