With that, Dr. Appa stands and leaves me to spin out wildly into space.
NOMI
“Vibe is very important, Nomi.” Veronica stands in front of my closet while I sit mutely to the side. The hearing is in two hours, and I feel terrible. This is what I get for attempting soup today. Just a bone broth with simple noodles and low sodium, and yet my body is reacting as though I decided to suck down hot lava. How can so little food cause so much pain?
“You can’t roll into the hearing with your hot 1970s aesthetic. These people are conservative. We have to be strategic.” Sheclick-clacksin shiny black Jimmy Choo heels over to the garment bag she brought. The first option is a pale-yellow sundress with an empire waistline and big homesteader energy. She holds it up, then glances at me.
“How is that one strategic?” I hunch over, cradling my stomach. “I’d look like a toxic purity culture maiden who doesn’t vote because an influencer claims it interferes with ovulation.”
“Exactly. Conservatives love innocent maidens. But we could go for a different spin.” She holds up a pristine Lacoste tennis dress as white as Veronica’s bleached teeth. “Country club drug user. A classic.”
“Pass. Nobody’s gonna buy that I sport.”
“Fine. That leaves only one option.” She throws a wad of flouncy, colorful polyester at me, then a pair of pale-pink skinny-legged dress pants. I hold up what appears to be a giant ruffle masquerading as a top.
“Jersey girl?”
“Specifically,Sunday-night family dinner at Mom-Mom’sJersey girl. Now get changed. I’ve got to do your eyebrows.”
When we arrive fully dressed and contoured with cheekbones we were not born with, Vinny’s standing out front of City Hall, wearing a black leather blazer, black shirt, and black tie while Julian paces back and forth. I get the feeling Vinny dressed him, too, or maybe Marco. He’s wearing high-waisted black pleated pants and a thin leather belt, a slim-cut dark purple button down with a synthetic sheen, and somebody’s gelled his curls.
Excessively.
“You picked Jersey boy, too, huh?” I wobble over to him on the pale-pink patent leather heels Veronica capped my feet in, and he grabs my elbow before I teeter over.
“Specifically,First Date at a Four-Star Italian RestaurantJersey boy,” Vinny says for him, eyeing me over. He turns to Veronica. “Nice work. She looks like your mother.”
“Upsetting,” Julian leans over and whispers into my ear. “But still hot.”
I manage a weak smile. “You, too.”
His eyes rove over me. I’m as bronzed as the Liberty Bell, but he still sees through it. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Just anxious.” I squeeze his arm and try to ignore the peals of thunder rumbling through my belly as we make our way inside.
“This meeting shall come to order.” Chief Commissioner Jackie Lombardi claps the gavel down with zero flair. As she leads the introductory hearing procedures, my face heats beneath the uncomfortable mask of foundation, back prickling with sweat against the semi-sheer polyester shirt.I pat my pocket for the over-the-counter antidiarrheal medication, a.k.a. Satan’s Bargain in a foil blister pack. These ruin me. They stop the attack if I take enough of them, but that’s the problem—they stopeverything. I won’t be able to go for a week after taking them, despite the eventual return of the cramps that just crash ineffectually against my shore, the metaphorical tide never coming in. Pressure builds until the medicine wears off, and the attack picks up right where it left off, even worse than before.
I’ve already taken two today, and I hope that’ll be enough. Thanks to Vinny and Veronica, I don’t have much to do. I’ll be called as a witness, Vinny will lead me through a series of planned questions, and then I sit here at the defense counsel’s table and look New Jersey wholesome. Easy. I can do this.
I glance at the half-full chamber behind us, smiling when I see our witnesses sitting in order of their appearance in the front row: Hillary Frankel, Deborah, and even Mr. Gutierrez, sitting in his wheelchair at the end. He gives me an encouraging little wave. I tried to convince him to stay home and rest since he was released just this morning, but Mr. G is as stubborn as I am.
My eyes pore over the chamber, feeling buoyed by every familiar, loving face that I know, until they hit Mike Tonuto like a car lurching over an unexpected speed bump. He’s busy glad-handing the room, walking right up to the Commission and moving down the line.
“Look who’s here.” I nudge Julian, sitting to my left.
Julian’s eyes narrow. “He’s going down.”
“Ladies and gentlemen of the esteemed Sparrow Nook Zoning Commission,” Vinny begins in full strut across the floor, his prominent Jersey accent hammed up to pure Joe Pesci. The wordesteemedsounded more likeesteemt,andboardwith two syllablesbohrandahd.“I am here tonight to make your lives easier. And isn’t that what we all want?” Vinny stops and winks at the stenographer.
A spasm racks my body, making me sweat and shiver in tandem.
“You see, my client Nomi Wyeth is in full compliance with Sparrow Nook’s zoning ordinance already, as is, case closed. She doesn’t require a zoning exception because she isn’t changing the building’s historical use.”Usesounds likeyoose. “My client’s dispensary, which would bring a new and significant source of tax revenue for Sparrow Nook, is in all practical aspects of the word, apharmacy. A literaldrugstore.” Vinny spins on his stacked shoes’ heels. “To speak on the intricacies of Sparrow Nook’s zoning ordinances, I’m calling Veronica D’Angelo-Bork as my expert witness.”
Veronicaclick-clacksto the stand, giving major Marisa Tomei energy, and I have to give it to them both—the zoning commission sits enraptured. “Ms. D’Angelo-Bork, you are a real estate agent by trade, is that correct?”
“Yes, ten years and counting.”
“And in your professional opinion, Ms. D’Angelo-Bork, does Ms. Wyethrequirea zoning exception for her intended use of the historic Strange Drugs Pharmacy building?”
