“Surfside Pier,” I murmur, the glimmer of neon lights painting the scene in my mind. “In Wildwood.”
“Okay, it’s Saturday night, and you’re at Surfside Pier with Nomi. You’re holding hands, licking each other’s ice cream cones, I don’t know. Something romantic. Then you remember that Monday, you’re scheduled for a shift at Dr. Srinivasan’s clinic. How does that feel in your body?”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you feel thinking that your Wildwood trip ends with you reporting back to the clinic. Don’t reach for thoughts. Reach for the feelings.”
I try, but there are no feelings, really. Just the happiness at spending the weekend with Nomi. “I don’t think this is working.”
“Why?”
“I feel nothing. Or calm, maybe? It’s just… a statement you said.”
“Let’s back up. It’s Saturday night in Wildwood, but this time, you remember you’re working a shift at Philly Gen.”
I wince.
Eric leans over with interest. “How do you feel in your body now?”
It doesn’t take long to find the ball of dread bobbing up and down in my middle. “Anxious.”
Eric leans back, gesturing with his fork and knife likebonappétit.
I scoff. “Just because I feel anxious about Philly Gen doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work there. Sometimes life is hard, and we live it anyway. We make the hard decisions because they make us stronger, better—”
“Happier?” Eric asks, one eyebrow raised.
I fork another piece of pancake into my mouth instead of answering.
“See, this is what I mean. When your brain is in charge, you ignore your body’s feelings. But what happens when someone lives their whole life pushing through anxiety and stress because they think it will make them a better person? Do they ever get to stop and choose what makes them feel happy instead?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?”
Eric shakes his head, then cuts into another pancake. A particularly fat blueberry bursts under the pressure of his knife, which, relatable. “In a world full of leisurewear, you choose the hair shirt every time, Julian, because somewhere along the way, you became convincedyoudon’t get to relax.Youdon’t get to be comfortable.Youdon’t get to be happy. Not unless you earn it.”
“Exactly. I’ll do all of that when I earn it, and I haven’t yet.”
“But when will that be? What will it take? It wasn’t when you graduated college summa cum laude or aced medical school. It wasn’t landing that fellowship at Philly Gen, either. I’d venture to say that, for as long as I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you truly happy. Just varying stages of stressed the hell out and miserable.” Eric pauses to chew. “What if you’re not a grouchy asshole at all? What if you’ve just been in a very bad mood your whole life because you keep making bad choices?”
“Bad choices?!” I clutch BonBon in outrage. “I’m incredibly successful—I could hardlybemore successful!” Frowning, I add, “Except for the last four months.”
“So, is it enough?” Eric asks mildly. “Can you let yourself be happy now?”
I gape at him. Eric tilts his head to the side.
“It doesn’t matter what I want.” My head droops. “I’ve ruined Nomi’s chance at opening her dispensary, and now she’ll never forgive me.”
“Has she said that?”
“No,” I bite out, sounding surlier than I mean to. “But then I went and freaked out about her hiding her illness, and now she wants space. How am I supposed to win her back when she doesn’t want to see me?”
“There’s nowinningsomeone, that’s your toxic achiever speaking. Ask yourself why Nomi might not want to share something major with you specifically and see if that gives you insight. And honestly, Julian, this is the perfect time to be your most obnoxiously tenacious self and show her you’ll be there for her, no matter what she’s going through. Give her reason to trust you, and she will. What are you doing?”
I look up from my napkin. “Taking notes. How else am I supposed to remember all this?”
Eric smiles. “A star student, to the end.”
“But what about Tonuto?” I use the pen to scratch BonBon’s chin. “How do I prove he’s up to something?”
