“I’m here for the screams, to be honest,” Eve says.
Nomi smiles. “Remember. Deborah.”
After a long, lingering look at her, I turn and follow Dr. Srinivasan into one of the most important appointments of my life. I’mdeterminedto do this right. The door opens, and I suck in a breath.
Oh,Jesus.
“Carl!” I say, loud enough the poor man flinches on the examining table.
“The—the coffee man?” Carl gathers his paper nightgown close around him. “W-what are you doing here?”
“Bet you didn’t know I was a doctor, too, eh?” I give him my winningest smile, tuck my sleeve over the pink shock collar, and open his records.
“Now, what’s brought you in today?”
NOMI
The summer sun lingers late into the evening, as though it can’t bear letting go of today, either. I haven’t laughed like that in,God. Ages. Delivering tiny shocks to Julian was a surprisingly effective therapeutic device for us both. It taught him to think before he speaks, and it helped me forgive him, one zap at a time.
I didn’t stay in the waiting room with Eve and Graham. I wanted to—I’m dying to know how Julian’s appointment went—but the first warning bell of pain twisted through my abdomen, and I knew I needed to retreat.
It always starts with pain. Sometimes it’s sharp and slicing, like I’ve swallowed a bunch of knives determined to make their way out. Other times it’s a burning feeling tunneling through my insides, leaving me raw and tender. But whether it’s cramps or spasms or the racking pain that bullies me to tears, it always ends the same way. The pain mounting until an urgency bottoms me out, sending me running for the bathroom, leaving me rocking and miserable and always, always alone.
I take a long pull from my vaporizer and exhale, watching the thin shimmer of air dissipate. I can’t stop a Crohn’s attack, not without medication that ruins me for the next week, but sometimes with the right cannabis, I can head it off for a while, pluck the sharpest teeth from its bite. This indica hybrid is good for blunting the pain and removing the lengthy, wretched prelude to the main event. It buys me time. It shortens the episode. It, unlike so many other medications I’ve tried, helps.
The dispensary’s door to our brick patio whispers open. I turn on the old picnic table’s top where I’ve perched to see Julian standing there in the mellow, melon light of the waning day.
“Can I join you?”
I release the lungful of cannabis vapor in surprise. “Oh, um. Sure.” I turn back to hide my wince. I hate being around others when a Crohn’s attack is brewing. People don’t know how to coexist with another’s suffering, and I hate seeing them try, and fail, to make me feel better. It underscores the hopelessness I already feel when I’m sick.
At least when I’m alone, I don’t have to carry their discomfort, too.
I close my eyes, drawing in a deep breath of Blackberry Kush, before turning off the vape. The relaxing effects are immediate, and I sigh gratefully as the wringing, needling pain in my middle dampens. The metal picnic table reverberates slightly as Julian’s weight settles next to me. When I open my eyes, his are trained on my face, his pupils flitting systematically across every inch of me, observing.
“You’re not feeling well.” He glances at the vape in my hand, then back to me, studying me still. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine,” I protest. “I’m just… anxious. Still haven’t received the dismissal from the zoning commission.”
He sighs. “I’ve called every day this week. I don’t understand what the holdup is.”
I nudge him with my shoulder. “Well, don’t keep me in suspense. How did the appointment go?”
“Great, actually. Dr. Appa only zapped me once.” A mischievous smile lifts the corners of his mouth. “It was worth it.”
I laugh, and the sound seems to float on the air. “You called him Dr. Appa!”
Julian blinks. “Oh, God. I did, didn’t I? How embarrassing.”
“Don’t be embarrassed. He can be your Doctor Daddy, too.”
Julian groans, and the laughter comes easier to me now. The waves of pain sweeping through me earlier have crawled back out to sea, letting me enjoy this temporary low tide. I can afford to stay here a little while longer. I’ll be gone before they come back, tucked safely out of sight at home.
“You really did do well today.” I lean back onto the table, resting on my propped arms. The moon’s already hanging above, patiently waiting its turn to light up the lavender sky.
Julian snorts. “Judging by the amount of times you zapped me, that’s not true.”
“Itis, though.” I turn to face him, and he leans on his arms, too, facing me back. “I know you believe you’re prickly and defensive as a rule, but I think it’s a learned response. A way you’ve chosen to be.”
