“This is Dr. Sampson.”
“Eric!” I bellow. “Quick, I need your advice. I’m going to my nephew’s birthday party today, and I’m bringing Nomi. How do Inotfuck this up?”
“Nomi? The special stoner from your past? That’s great!”
“Yeah?” I ask breathlessly. “I feel like it’s not great.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m the worst possible version of myself around family?”
Eric whistles. “That’s… Okay. That’s saying something.”
“Help me, Eric!”
“Alright, have you bought a present yet?”
I blink, then eye the unwrapped box in the back. “Yes. A farm puzzle.”
“That’s not gonna work.”
“Why not? That’s the one thing I’ve accomplished!”
“Because you’re a doctor. They know you make bank. If you show up with a ten-dollar cow puzzle, you’re gonna be the cheap uncle. Don’t be the cheap uncle.”
“Fuck, okay. What else?”
“Can Nomi bring you some weed?”
“E-ric,” I groan.
“Okay, fine. Grab a beer as soon as you go in. You’ve got to alter this intense brain chemistry you’ve got going on.”
“Beer, check. Anything else?”
“If provoked, don’t say anything. Take a deep breath, deflect, pretend you didn’t hear if you have to, but whatever you do,do not engagein family drama in front of a woman you like. That’s major red-flag behavior.”
I blow out a long breath. “That’s gonna be hard.”
“You can do it, Julian. And if you can’t, hide in the bathroom until cake.”
“This is why I call you, Eric. Your advice is incredibly practical.”
“Yeah, yeah, I bet you say that to all the professionals whose boundaries you’ve crossed. Good luck, buddy.”
With that, the call disconnects, and I’m on my own. I hammer out a quick text before I second-guess myself.
JULIAN
Hi Nomi. This is Julian D’Angelo.
NOMI
Hello, Julian D’Angelo. How may I help you?
JULIAN
Can I pick you up an hour early?
