“Perhaps, rip your head off and shove it up your arse,” Hal says mildly.
We all look at him.
“Too much?” he says.
You know what, he might not be exactly real, but he is really adorable.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Pulling up to Castle Beaumont in the Uber feels about as close as I will ever get to being a fairy-tale princess. Floodlights beneath the great old trees that line the long, sweeping drive cast dramatic shadow, the castle itself lit up so that it glows in the night like an ornate lantern.
My romance-reading heart would love to be dropped off at the grand front entrance, but we are taken round to the back of the castle, where the private residence entrance is, creeping in like four teenagers who might get caught out by their parents at any moment. Okay, well three teenagers and one almost human grown-up. Seeing as he is technically only about eighteen months old, Hal is definitely the only responsible adult left in the group. He drank as much wine as the rest of us—I watched him do it, marvelling at how his throat moved with every swallow and that you couldn’t tell him apart from any other man drinking wine—but he is completely sober. He smiles benignly at Rani, Alex, and me as we weave down shadowy back corridors of the castle, to the foot of a dark narrow staircase that seems to lead into nothing but shadows.
“Sometimes you meet a ghost on these stairs,” Alex says with a grin. “Someone pushed someone down them or something sometime. Anyway, want to come up for a nightcap?”
“What if we wake your mum up?” Rani asks, her arm around his neck to steady herself.
“Oh, I have my own apartment up there, Rani, it’s completely separate,” Alex says. “I mean I know I live at home, but I do live in a castle and all that.”
“Ohhhhhhhh.” Rani hiccups. “Shall we go for a nightcap, Ava?”
I think about it for a second, then shake my head.
“Not tonight,” I say, taking Rani’s hand and leading her tottering to my side. “A few years ago Rani and I agreed that we would not take important steps in relationships with men whilst under the influence of alcohol as it can often lead to rash decision-making and situations that might need... annulling.”
“That was one time!” Rani says. “And it didn’t need annulling. Turns out you can’t be legally married by a ghost tour guide in the first place.”
“One time was enough, Rani,” I remind her. “You made me promise. And I take my vows very seriously.”
“Yeah, but I was only joking,” Rani says.
“You said you’d say that,” I remind her.
“Yeah, but I didn’t mean it,” Rani adds.
“And that.”
“Anyway,” she protests, “I am a grown woman with my own autonomy! I can make my own decisions!”
“Yes, you can, but when you are a bit drunk, sometimes you regret them.”
“I think Ava is right, Rani babe,” Alex says. “I don’t want to end up being something you regret. We’ve had a lovely night tonight. We have all the time in the world to get to know each other. Let’s meet for breakfast instead, yeah? A very late breakfast...”
“Fine, but before I go...” Rani launches herself into Alex’s arms and they kiss. When I say kiss, I mean really kiss. Kiss in such a way that Hal and I stand side by side looking in opposite directions, trying not to notice when Rani gives a long moan of desire, and when Alex breaks the kiss, drawing a ragged breath.
“Right,” he says, holding Rani at arm’s length. “Please go to bed, you beautiful woman, before I forget I’m a gentleman.”
“Night, babe,” Rani says. “Love you! I mean... you know what I mean.”
Alex kisses her on the cheek. “I do. Love you too.”
“Oh, Alex mate,” I hear him say to himself as he goes up the stairs. “You’re in trouble this time.”
Rani is singing show tunes fromMy Fair Ladyas Hal escorts us to our rooms. We pause outside Rani’s door.
“Well, I better put her to bed,” I say to Hal. “Put a big glass of water next to the bed and hang up her dress, standard less-drunk-best-friend stuff.”
“Your friendship is a lovely thing,” Hal says. “When you look at the raw data you could draw the conclusion that humans are always trying to kill each other, but actually you are mostly really nice to each other. Good night, Ava.”
