As we walked through the stilled machines in his workshop, I breathed in the pungent scent of cut wood and imagined Eddie in here: planing, hammering, gluing, sawing. Making beautiful things out of beautiful materials withthose large brown hands. I thought of those hands on my skin and felt quite foggy.
We passed through two heavy doors – essential, he told me, for sawdust control – and finally up a flight of stairs to a big, open-plan space, full of old lamps and shadowy beams and gentle creaks. Outside, the trees moved slowly, black against black, and a fine twist of cloud wandered across the headlamp moon.
I got a glass of water in his kitchen and heard him behind me. I stood there for a while, eyes closed as I felt his breath on my bare shoulder. Then I turned round and leaned against the sink as he kissed me.
Chapter Seven
Dear You,
Look, I’m married. And I’ve a horrible feeling you already know.
I wasn’t lying when I told you I was single. And I definitely wasn’t lying about how you made me feel.
Reuben and I separated about three months ago. The thing that finished us off was that I couldn’t give him a baby, but I think we’d both known for a very long time that we’d come to the end of the road. It’s a long story – probably beyond the scope of Facebook Messenger – but it was very hard for him.
I was so horribly relieved when he sat me down; I knew what he was going to say. I only wished I’d had the courage to say it myself, years earlier. I sat there opposite him with a phone charger in my hand, weaving the cable round and round my fingers until he took it, and then I cried, because I knew he needed me to.
Is that it, Eddie? Is my marriage why you didn’t call me? If it is, please try to remember how it felt when we were together. I meant it all. Every kiss, every word, every everything.
I read the message three times and then deleted the whole thing.
Dear Eddie,I wrote instead.
I suspect you’ve found that I am married. I would dearly love the opportunity to explain the whole thing to you, face to face –although I want you to know right now that I am not married any longer: the website is out of date. I was – and still am – single. And I want to see you, and apologize, and explain.
Sarah
Tommy, Jo and Rudi were long gone. I had been crouching in the back of Tommy’s car for nearly half an hour.
I was going to have to get out.
Chapter Eight
Tommy was standing on a sad little platform in the middle of our old school field, talking into a PA system. He was pretending to find it funny that the equipment was punctuating his speech with burping noises.
I scanned the assembled crowd. Why were Mandy and Claire here today? Did they not have better things to do? Did they not havejobs? My lungs felt like they’d been bundled into a tiny chamber behind my nose. I couldn’t stand the prospect of seeing them. Not now. Not in this state.
‘Hey.’ Jo appeared from nowhere. ‘How are you doing?’
‘Great.’
‘It’ll be fine,’ she said quietly. ‘Even if Tommy feels he has to hang around, we’ll be done within the hour. And I’ll keep an eye on you.’
We watched in silence as Tommy talked about Matthew Martyn. A real inspiration to his pupils . . . Has worked tirelessly on this programme . . . Makes all the difference to work with people like Matt . . .
‘Look, I . . . Um, are they here?’
Jo slid her hand into the crook of my elbow. ‘I don’t know, Sarah,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what they look like.’
I nodded, trying to breathe deeply.
‘What have you been up to, anyway?’ she asked. ‘Hiding on the car floor?’
‘Mostly. I messaged Eddie. About being married. Then I put on too much make-up. And now I’m here.’
There was a short gust of applause, and we turned to watch as Tommy handed the microphone over to Matthew Martyn. Matthew was one of those men who’d spent so much time working out that he had to carry his enormous arms at an angle, like a penguin. He and Tommy slapped each other on the back as they swapped places.
‘Right,’ Jo said. ‘I think I’d better go and wait for him. After Matthew’s speech it’s mingling time.’ I watched helplessly as she walked away.
