I nearly smiled. He nearly did, too.
‘Just ... Just tell me Charlie’s OK,’ I said. It was rising up inside me, again; the longing. The deep sea swell of it. ‘Tell me he’s well, and happy.’
‘He is,’ Jeremy said, gently. A bus with steamed windows pulled in behind him. ‘Oh, Emily. He is very well, and very happy. You don’t need to worry about him at all.’
I couldn’t speak. Passengers spilled from the bowels of the bus.
‘We will never tell him what happened,’ he said, and his voice had become the kindest voice in the world. ‘We’ll just say that you were young and very challenged by life, and that you felt you couldn’t keep him. He won’t ever know about that day.’
‘Thank you.’
He nodded. ‘Is your grandmother looking after you?’
I jammed my hands in my pockets. ‘Not really. She’s had some virus, it’s kind of taken her out. I’m not sure how much longer she’s got, to be honest.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘Yeah. Anyway, I apologise. Sincerely. You won’t see me again.’
Without any particular plan, I turned and walked off into the rain.
My baby boy. My sweet tiny Charlie, now a little toddler with wealthy parents and a big house on the park. Kept from me by law.
And if I did one thing right in my life, I thought, walking on down the Holloway Road, if I really cared about him, I would never go near him again.
Chapter Forty-Five
EMILY
Four months later (April)
The playground wasn’t busy.
There were two mothers sharing cookies while one of their toddlers played in a wooden boat. A lone father with a baby. A couple of teenagers in school uniform, eating fried chicken from a box.
On the edge of the sandpit, sitting under some lime saplings, I watched my son. Charlie was playing in a red train, metres from me. If I tried hard enough, I could recall the scent of his downy skin, convince myself it was carrying on the breeze.
‘Yuga yuga yuga,’ he muttered. Chug chug chug?
I love you. So much.
Janice was laughing with the other woman, laughing as if she had the best life anyone could imagine. Charlie’s hair was almost white blonde, his cheeks still fat. I had to get out of here. I should never have got so close.
I didn’t move.
Without warning, Charlie climbed out of the train and looked straight at me. After a moment’s consideration, he smiled. My son smiled at me, as if he knew. As if he had never forgotten.
I got up and backed away, into the trees. ‘Hello!’ I whispered, turning to leave.‘And, bye bye!’ But he followed me, over a little dirt bank, away from the train and the sandpit.
Through the saplings I could see Janice, still talking to her friend. She had no idea.
Quickly, before I had time to stop myself, I ran over to Charlie and held him, closing my arms around his solid little toddler’s body, smelling his hair. ‘I love you,’ I whispered, to an avalanche of joy and pain. ‘I will always love you.’
Then I went. I heard calling, then shouting, as she tried to find him. I skirted around the wooded area towards the east gate. I knew he was safe – this gate was shut, and to get to the main entrance he’d have to walk right past Janice. She’d find him under the trees any moment now.
I heard her voice become fainter, and then louder, and then, just as I slipped out of the gate, I heard her find Charlie where I’d left him. Noisy sobs, wails,where were you, oh God, I was so worried ... Oh God, Charlie, little one ...
I walked slowly, so as not to draw attention to myself. My heart raced.
