“I dreamed of this,” he says.
I swallow. His use of past tense hangs between us.
“Freja left me, of course. And I was very low for a while. I missed her. I missed Matteo so much; she wouldn’t let me see him for several months—she was too hurt. But she was right to be hurt. You were always there. Even before you came back into my life.”
“And now?”
“And now I’m…I’m thinking, Carrie! I wasn’t expecting this. I thought you were going to want to talk about Robin, or Thailand, or…I don’t know. This is a shock.”
“Of course.”
We look out into the solid black of the Baltic Sea. Johan leans forward and blows into the fire. Brave new flames creep upward, slender offerings to the deep purple bowl of sky.
I’m keenly aware that this may be a terrible misfire, that we may not be able to find our way back to each other. That I will drive back to the city with little more than his sympathy and well wishes. But if that happens, I believe I can handle it now.
Johan offers me the blanket. I tell him I’m OK and he laughs at me, because this is patently nonsense, but he doesn’t force the issue.
“So many things to say,” he says, after another long silence.
“Feel free to say them.”
He gives me a look.
“OK. Feel free to say one of them.” I give in and take part of the blanket to cover my legs.
Johan takes a breath. “For starters, Carrie, there are many things about me that have changed. Things your doctor side may not love.”
“I’m a very modern sort of doctor.”
“I meditate every day, for starters,” he replies.
“Oh, so do I.”
“Really?”
“I…well, it’s an ambition of mine. A very real one.”
“I also practice Reiki, and I use crystals for—”
“OK, stop there.”
He’s laughing now.
I try to backtrack. “Although, of course, if you feel some benefit then it doesn’t matter if there’s an evidence base or not.”
Johan glances at me, smiling, before looking back out to sea. “I also wonder if when you prepared your speech, you—”
“I didn’t prepare it!”
“Carrie.”
“I’m serious!”
“There’s no accompanying PowerPoint?”
“There’s not even bullet points in my phone.”
After another long silence, Johan says, “Anyway, look. What I wanted to know was, were you assuming I’d be single, when you decided to come down here? That I’d still be waiting for you?”
