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For the first time in my life, I truly understand how Romeo and Juliet felt, not wanting to live without the other. And if I would’ve joined him on that ride, who knows what my own fate would’ve been or if any of this would’ve happened. As I kiss my fingertips and place them on his lips, the lips I’ve kissed for the past two years, I know I’ll never be the same. At least we had that, but whoever said it’s better to have loved and lost is fucking wrong.
“I love you, Brandon. I love you so much. Save a place for me up there, baby,” I whisper, thinking how un-goddamn-fair this all is. I feel as if I’m suffocating as I somehow break away from him, knowing it’s really the last time I’ll ever see him again.
Brandon’s dad gives me a hug, and I don’t even hear the things he says to me. As I walk back to my seat, I realize Hunter isn’t behind me, and when I turn around, I see him still at the casket with tears falling down his cheeks. It’s the first time I’ve seen him break down since we found out, and I realize how much it’s destroying him too. He’s been putting on a brave face, but right now, he’s releasing it all. We’re two broken people who will have to somehow find a new normal, though I’m not sure one exists. Mason and Liam join him, and they stand there together, saying goodbye to their friend.
As I wait, I hear a voice behind me calling my name, and that’s when I see Maddie and Sophie walking toward me. They pull me into their arms, and I’m so grateful my sisters are here. My parents wanted to come, but Dad had to speak at a funeral service for a longtime member of the church, so I told them it was fine and meant it. My sisters tell me how much they love me and are here for me, and I don’t ever want to let them go.
Maddie grabs my hand, and we go to a pew close to the front. They sit on each side of me and hold me tight. Being in this room makes me want to jump out of my skin.
Soon the service starts, and it becomes a blur as the pastor officiates. It’s a beautiful service, but I can barely focus on anything that’s said.
Brandon’s mother allows me to stay with the family to say my last goodbyes, but I hardly remember it because shock takes over. Hunter, Liam, and Mason, along with Brandon’s cousins and childhood friends, were asked to be pallbearers. I watch as they lift the casket and carry it to the hearse. Brandon’s mother asks me to ride in the limo with them to the gravesite, so I do. During the drive over, I stare out the window, trying to process everything. The car eventually slows, and I get out, following behind Brandon’s family. They carry him to the tent set up by the burial site, and I somehow walk toward it.
It’s funny because at this moment, I notice the clouds moving across the bright blue sky and how time keeps ticking, regardless if I feel like my world has stopped. Stepping under the tent, I hear sobs escape from Brandon’s mother, and I feel as if I might faint, so I find an empty chair to sit in instead. The pastor preaches on as I stare at the shiny black box in front of me. Memories of us together flood in, and for a second, I hear his voice in my head, telling me it’s going to be okay. The minutes feel like hours, and then within a blink, it’s all over, and everyone is dismissed.
I take a single rose from the flower arrangement draped over the casket before they lower it into the ground. A scoop of dirt lands on top of the box and then another until my Brandon is fully covered. Then, just like that, it’s over, and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart alone.
Maddie and Sophie say their goodbyes. I hug Brandon’s family and walk to Hunter’s truck. Soon he unlocks it, and we climb inside. We ride back to the apartment in silence, the only sound the engine rumbling down the street. We park, I walk up the stairs, and once inside, I sit on the couch.
As I stare at the blank television, I realize this is what true loneliness feels like. And I think it might be here to stay.
Chapter Twelve
Hunter
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life is bury my best friend. For the past six years, since we were freshmen in college, we’ve been inseparable. From playing football together, then becoming roommates, he’d been one of the only constants in my life. Through hard times, he always had my back and supported all my decisions, even if they were stupid. The only thing that could separate us was death itself; nothing could’ve gotten in the way of our friendship.
