…but maybe it wasn’t about me being enough.
Maybe it was him.
“How canyoulive withyourself, Luis? How can you even sleep at night?”
“I don’t.”
He pulled his glasses from his face and dropped them on his desk. They rattled against an old bloodstain, and we both stared at the spot. Quiet.
“I don’t sleep at night,” he finally said. “And as for living with myself, I don’t think I’ve lived a single day since your brother passed.”
I looked away from him, fighting the tightness in my chest. “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?”
“No,mijo. My actions have said otherwise, but I’ve never wanted you to feel sorry for me.”
“Bullshit.” I burst out, more tears leaking down my face. I wiped them away angrily and then threw a hard look in his direction. “You fucked with my head, day in and day out. I was akid, Dad, and you made me feel like shit.”
“I’m sorry, Marcos.” He placed his hands on his chest. “I’m sorry. Is that what you’ve come here for? Is that why you trashed my office? You were looking for an apology or an excuse?”
“I came because I know who he is now, and I guess I wanted proof about Manny before I walked away for good.”
He paused, and the urgency behind his stillness sparked something eerie to tap at my spine. For a moment, the air wastooheavy, and I saw his throat move with a dry swallow.
“You know who he is?”
“Yes.”
“How?” A vein rose to the surface of his skin, pulsing against his forehead as he waited for an answer. “Did you speak to him? Where’s your scary boyfriend?”
“Ivan? He’s by the front door.”Wait.“Why would I have spoken to Delgado?”
He squeezed his eyes shut and jammed the heels of his palms into them, bending at the waist. A breath burst out of him, and he looked then the same way he had all those years ago.
Afraid.
“Marcos, listen to me. I don’t know how you found it, but if you know his name, then you’re too close.”
“Too close to what, Luis? He knowsmyname, or did you forget he used to call out for me while standing in the spot you’re in right now?”
“I wouldn’t forget that.”
He reached for his glasses and shoved them back on his face. The lenses were smudged, but somehow, they still enhanced the roundness of his eyes and the darkness that lingered beneath him.
“I made an awful choice, one strong enough to create a monster out of that man, and for as much as I tried to condemn him, I found the only way to survive against a man like that is to become exactly like him.”
“You made a monster out of yourself.”
“I did… because it wasn’t about saving the business, Marcos. It was about saving you.”
“What?”
There was a tenacity in his gaze, rich enough to punch all the air out of my lungs.
“The amount I owed him was arbitrary, and what I gave him was never enough. He took my finger because I couldn’t pay the price the day after he’d set it. Delgado takes things because he can, and he loves anything he can call collateral. I was prepared to lose all my fingers, but after that day, the only thing he wanted wasyou.”
“You’re lying,” I accused, butno,I didn’t think he was. Anxiety clawed at my chest. “Papa!”
His footsteps were thunderous but quick, and he moved through the doorway with purpose. Icy eyes found me immediately, logging my stance and every blow to my chest like I was some kind of target.
