And so, of course, I followed.
I’ve been over the memory of this moment so many times. How could things have gone so far off the rails? How could we have been right there together, just the two of us, surrounded by all the real facts of the situation—and not managed to clear up even one meaningful thing with each other?
Maybe it was sleep deprivation. Or too many emotions all at once. Or the way time can shift into fast-forward without permission. We hurtled through that moment at warp speed, and I never could get my bearings. It was too much too fast to even start.
Maybe if I hadn’t been wearing yesterday’s clothes, and maybe if Cooper weren’t so shockingly, nothing-like-I’d-ever-imagined angry, and maybe if I hadn’t stayed up half the night desperatelynot thinkingabout what appalling things Cooper might be up to… maybe I could have navigated this moment better.
If I’d been thinking even a tiny bit more clearly, maybe things could’ve sorted themselves out.
But Icouldn’tthink clearly. My brain was wobbling off its axis. Things were all out of order. I hadn’t even sorted outyesterday, much less gotten clear on this morning.
What I should have done was calmly explain to him the most important thing: I hadnotjust slept with Finn. I’d only let him kiss me.
It wouldn’t be news to Cooper, of course, if he’d watched it happen.
But what might be news to Cooper—what might be really vital information right now—was that enduring a kiss that I did not want from Finn only clarified to me what, and who, I did want.
Looking back: It was so obviously crucial to say that—ASAP.
That was just basic triage.
But that’s not what I did in the blur of it all.
I guess I was trying to start at the beginning? Trying to create order by going chronologically? Without considering that I might never make it to the end?
“Look,” I said, “I need you to understand that we should have won that dance contest last night. It was totally unfair for Finn to just strut in at the end and take a prize he hadn’t even competed for.”
Cooper just turned and leaned out over the balcony like he was longing to take flight. “You think I care about winning a fake dance contest?”
“And I never should have let him drag me out of there like that,” I went on, talking to Cooper’s profile. “He just—did it. And, true—I didn’t stop him. I didn’twantto go with him, but I also didn’t fight him. But”—how to explain?—“I have unfinished business with that guy! You have to understand how big that first kiss was in my life. It meant much more to me than it should have, yes—but I can’t change that. I mean, I could replay the whole thing for you second-by-second in slo-mo and include every detail—from the ambulance siren in the distance to the sound of girls jump-roping twenty feet away. That whole three-minute segment of my life is indelibly tattooed on my brain. I remember the exact weight of his hands on my shoulders. The precise rhythm of his breathing. The scent of his grape-flavored bubble gum. Not to mention the tragic spasms of joy that my heart lapsed into as soon as he got close. I could pick that kiss out of a lineup. I’d know that kiss anywhere.”
“Really?” Cooper said, now turning to face me. “You’d know that kissanywhere?”
Why was this making Cooper madder?
His chest rose and fell. His neck pulsed. His shoulders rounded, like an ape or something. And he was, I think any witness would agree, positively glowering.
“What?” I said. “I’m just trying to explain to you that the kiss he gave me was a huge, massive big deal in my life. I know I haven’t been makingthe best decisions, and maybe I’ve been giving Finn more benefits of more doubts than he ever deserved, but I wasn’t just being stubborn—or stupid. I wasn’t just being a pain in the ass for no reason. We’re talking about life-defining stuff here.”
Cooper took a step closer.
I reread his face.Wasit anger? Or just—intensity?
“That,” Cooper said, “is what I wanted to tell you yesterday.”
“What?” I asked.
“That kiss? That life-defining kiss?” he said.
“Yeah?”
“That kiss that you can’t let go of—or forget?”
“Yeah?”
“The kiss that ruined your life? The one that’s had us trailing around after that dumb douchebag this whole week? The one you imprinted on so hard that you’ll never be able to love anybody in your whole life other thanthe one guy who gave it to you?”
This felt like a lot of buildup. I waved my hands, likeHurry up. “Yeah?”
