“But she got what you wanted.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Except I don’t want it anymore.”
I took a refreshing breath at how true those words were. The Finn journey was complete. The only man on—or off—this ship who could break my heart now, apparently… was Cooper.
THE GUESTS WENTashore for a relaxing tropical day while our family stayed on the boat, frantically managing final details—including organizing tip envelopes, wrapping gifts for the wedding party (earrings for the ladies, cuff links for the guys), and checking in (again) with the photographer. My mother had also printed off a totally ridiculous Day-of on the Big Day checklist that included both “keep hydrated” and “drink a mimosa to calm your nerves.”
My mother took the list very literally. “I guess I need a mimosa.”
“That’s for the bride, Mom.”
All to say, my mother put us all to work, and I was glad, honestly, to have something to do.
Because yet another of the infinite downsides of Cooper quitting the wedding was that he’d left me to serenade Ashley at the reception alone.
Alone—as inutterly.
I didn’t have any idea how I’d manage to do it—but I had no idea how to get out of it, either. If I’m honest, a tiny, tragic, ridiculous part of me kept hoping that Grandma Dodie was right and Cooper would show up—like magic. I knew it was impossible. I knew I was just manufacturing fantasies to offset my dread.
But that’s how I coped.
As well as by keeping wildly, frantically busy every single minute.
Still, though—nightmare singing scenarios came at me all day like I was being dive-bombed by pelicans. What if I croaked like a frog? What if I burst into tears? What ifAshleyburst into tears? What if somebody filmed it all and put it up on YouTube?Tone-deaf maid of honor destroys family with worst toast ever—and you’ll never believe what happened next!
What happened next?
I so badly wantedneverto know.
But there was no way out. I’d be living through this day, and this wedding, and this reception, and this serenade, whether I wanted to or not.
Alone.
I wished over and over that I’d never agreed to let Cooper help me.
It was bad facing this alone. But thinking for a while that Ididn’t have to—before reverting back, again, to facing it alone?
A hundred thousand times worse.
I comforted myself with the idea that time doesn’t play favorites. It tromps along at its own pace no matter what. Moments you wished could last forever moved at the exact same tempo as moments you wished were already over. All you had to do was just not die.
I pep-talked myself. I could do that, right?Not perishfor the length of one song?
Guess we were about to find out.
Twenty-Nine
THE WEDDING ITSELFwas undeniably lovely, held out on the aft deck on our final night at sea after we set sail for Texas—with a ribbon of wake in the water behind us and an orange-and-purple sunset as a backdrop.
I tried to focus on my sister’s happiness and not my own misery, I swear.
I tried to stand up there in my genuinely lovely pink organza strapless bridesmaid dress and feel insistently grateful that Ashley’s newly altered gown draped perfectly now and made her look like an absolute goddess. I tried to focus on that blazing sunset, and the thrill of the breeze, and how Grandma Dodie had brought her new gentleman friend, Edward, as her plus-one, and how my parents were now sitting side by side in the front row—holding hands.
There really was so much to feel lucky about.
But the dread of the serenade pierced through everything.
And fine. I’ll say it. It wasn’t just dread.
