“I won’t. Stay in there with me no matter what, and I’ll be okay.”
She nods, takes my hand and brings it to her mouth, kissing the back of it. “Don’t say anything you’ll regret.”
“I won’t.”
When I open the door and see my former mentor, I freeze.
He’s just a shell of a man, his face and body nothing but skin and bone. More than fifteen seconds pass before his chest rises with a hard-won breath.
“He’s comfortable,” Ellison says softly from a chair in the corner.
I step inside and Briar follows, closing the door.
“Can he hear us?” I ask.
“I don’t know. But I’ve always believed it’s possible.”
He was never a physically large man, but he was a giant to me. Soft-spoken and wise. A pioneer in genetics. A good listener. A selfish bastard.
I sit down on the stool beside his bed, taking his bony hand in my much larger one. “It’s Marcus. Ellison and Briar are here, too.”
So much time passes before his next breath that I think he’s already gone. Slowed breathing is part of the body’s process of dying, but it’s hard to see on someone you know and care for.
“You’re on the threshold. We talked about the afterlife a few times, and I know you don’t believe in it. I do, though. I don’t know what it’ll be like. Obviously.”
I hang my head, Briar coming up behind me and putting her hands on my shoulders. It’s a fight to get the next words out.
“I ... love you, Randall. I never called you that, even though you told me to.” I swipe my thumb beneath my eyes. “There were times when I hated you, but love ...” I swallow hard. “It was there, too. I know you’d undo all of it if you could. And whatever comes after this, go there at peace. We’ve got it. We’re going to end what we started six years ago. I hope you can watch it all burn from wherever you go next.”
Ellison stands beside me, a steady reminder that I’m not the only one who struggled with what McClain did. We’ve talked about it, and she told me she had to let go of the past in order to move forward.
I want to let go. I just don’t know how.
“He wants us to put his ashes in the volcano,” Ellison says.
“That’s ... a choice.”
“You know him.” There’s a smile in her voice. “He said he wants to go out with a bang.”
“That’s what we’ll do, then.”
Within half an hour, almost a minute is passing between his rattling inhales. We wait for the next one to come, but it doesn’t.
Ellison goes to his other side to check for a pulse, then uses her stethoscope to check for a heartbeat. She shakes her head.
“Will you check?” she asks.
I put my fingers on his wrist to check for a radial pulse and get nothing. When I press my fingertips over his carotid artery, the result is the same.
“He’s gone,” I say.
I stand and push out a long exhale, turning away from him. Briar puts her arms around my back in a hug.
“I’m sorry,” she says, pressing her cheek to my shoulder.
“Yeah. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
